Apparently, it has been exactly a month since I lasted posted.
And what a month it was. I can't even begin to conceptualise what the hell all happened in the past few weeks, so I won't even try to put it into words.
Instead, I guess I'll just progress to the song, then, to avoid my customary brand of unnecessary verbosity.
I will say this, though: it has a weird structure, this song (as will the next song, "(Goodbye) Never Crossed My Mind"); I'm avoiding choruses, I think, in order to imbue the songs with more imagery. Because I like to think that the way I handle words makes everything a little bit more beautiful. Case in point - the image of standing under a streetlight in a parking lot with a boy, about which I wrote in the previous entry, apparently came out quite romantic, which is nice. It wasn't meant as a romantic moment, and I will try never to admit to the fact that I lived it that way, but I will say that my friendship with this person is the most exciting thing that has happened to me, as I have told him on several occasions.
It's a friendship I trust most openly, as well. (But it's also just a friendship. And will only ever be.) It's one of the truest, least capricious things in my life right now, and I am profoundly grateful for it.
It's also not something I can really explain. Nor, perhaps, do I want to.
As is to be depicted below.
What I'm Doing With You
I wish I knew what the point of knowing you is
'cause that might make you easier to understand
but I don't think anyone could ever explain this
you're such a strange and beautiful man
even though I sometimes wish the world were more like me,
so that I wouldn't always feel so alone,
you're the one I would never change, out of everybody
but why not, I can't pretend to know
still you were there once when I started to cry
and you were my first kiss on the cheek
and even though I have no clue what I'm doing with you
I like to think it's completely unique
I wish I knew better than getting to know you
but then I never did know what was good for me
and who can guess which day will bring something new
things can change so suddenly
sometimes I want to strangle you, sometimes I'd rather kiss you
but I know I'll spend the next thirty years
pretending every day that I don't miss you
even if you never know what I need to hear
but you caught me in your arms in the middle of the room
so suddenly that I rocked back on my heels
and even though I still don't know what I'm doing with you
I've never been held so tightly
and it must not mean anything to you,
that you're my favourite person in the world
'cause sometimes you look right past me
and I'd like to think that when this is over
you'll think of me as more than just forgettable
but of course there's no guarantee
but you caught me in your arms in the middle of the room
so suddenly that I rocked back on my heels
and even though I still don't know what I'm doing with you
I've never been held so tightly
and even though I'll never know what I'm doing with you,
I'll never be held so tightly, again...
I keep re-reading this song, because I love it so much. It probably won't mean anything to you, but for some reason this is something that has provided fodder for songs for me. As I told someone yesterday (shout-out, again, to Alex) some people just passing through your life could inspire a dozen songs, while someone more significant might not inspire any. It's a strange relationship, words and the heart.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
It's a million miles from there to here, and how we got here isn't clear / I wonder if we'd do it all again / I've retraced every step, trying to find the moment when / you and I became more than friends.
