Left Behind

And so, now we have this song.

But first, something I haven't done in a while: mention new music which has caught my ears and captured my heart.  (Okay, so that was lame and cheesy.  Getting away from the point.)  First, I would like to mention Tegan and Sara.  AMAZING.  They're an indie-rock duo from Canada (identical twin sisters, too), and their music (particularly the most recent album, Heartthrob) is just brilliant.  I got the CD barely two weeks ago, and it has gotten to the point with me that I can't remember what my life was like before I heard their songs.  Of course, "Closer" is the pair's biggest hit, but I don't think it's the best song.  My favourites are "Now I'm All Messed Up" and "How Come You Don't Want Me," although honourable mentions go to "I Was a Fool," "Drove Me Wild," and "I'm Not Your Hero."  Or you could just listen to the album and see (as it were) for yourself.

The other bit of new music is just a single song, "I Hope That I Don't Fall in Love With You."  It's Tom Waits, I think, originally, but I'm particularly fond of the Marc Cohn cover which was in a film I watched recently.  The music is wonderful, but the lyrics just get me.  They radiate such delicate, extraordinary beauty-laced-with-pain.  I hope that I don't fall in love with you / 'cause falling in love just makes me blue / the music plays, and you display your heart for me to see...  Oh, it's just beautiful.  I could go on, but I promise I won't.  Just check it out, please.

And now here I go with my own song.  As promised.

Now, I really ought to try and explain its origins, and its conception, and perhaps even its meaning, but at the same time I feel as though it sort of defies explanation.  What more is there to say about it that isn't in the song already?  Plenty, probably, just none of it seems to want to come out right now.  You'll see pretty quickly (right from the "chorus," which begins the song, or at least from the last line of the first verse) that it has something to do with a soldier.  But, it's not in the way that you might think.

Because I get it - I write country music (or what I think is country music), and country music is ostensibly America's genre, right?  So it depends heavily on military stories for song inspiration, and on patriotic themes, and if even as a joke between songs in a set you say, for example, that you are ashamed that the President is from Texas, you get black-listed (I am a fan of the Dixie Chicks, by the way).  Right?  But you see, I am a pacifist, and have always been a little too selfish to be able to identify with a military story enough to want to write a song about it.  Up until the moment I found myself far too close to one to keep myself away from writing this song, that is.  (And a few others.)  Although there are so many reasons why the inspiration for the song will never actually read it (but don't worry, his not coming home is not one of them, mostly because he did, in fact, come home), but that doesn't mean I didn't borrow things he has said, and insert them into it.  He'd know, for instance, if he were to stumble upon it somehow, that he's the man in the song.  But it's not a military song in the way that country usually does it (which is in a very patriotic, sympathetic way).  And that's addressed right off the bat, I think.  When I made the decision to have the "chorus" begin the song, I did so because I knew I wouldn't have to go into a long, drawn-out explanation as to the song's subject in the first verse, because it would introduce it from the beginning instead, in a more subtle, nuanced way, which thrilled me.  And then as the song develops throughout the verses, more and more of the backstory comes out - and it's really just the story of a girl lying awake and missing someone, as one would miss a recent ex, only that it is in the context of them not only having broken up but him having gone off to war, so she's both heartbroken and worried for him, both sad/lonely and trying to get over him at the same time.  This is such an emotional song, to the point where writing it was exhausting and had to be done in small doses (over a long period of time - I came up with the concept in January or so, and finished it for good only in April), but it's not too in-your-face about it.  There's a stoicism behind her emotion, as well as a yearning behind her rationalism.  And part of it is that it's written to suggest it's a letter, so there's the connotation of that distance, but also a sort of omnipresent intimacy (in that you know she's talking to him but also she knows she won't be sending it so that allows it to be just a bit more honest than if she were actually going to send it).  If any of this makes any sense.

Sorry for the long paragraph.

I've just realised how much I like to analyse my own songs.  Oh, well.  Here's one more thing to look out for: see if you can catch the subtle - or perhaps, not-so-subtle - words and phrases that have double meanings, both civilian and military (hint: "conquer"; "occupied"; "martyr"; and even "fight" in the second verse can be seen as the war, which was the original context, or the "fight we had before you went overseas" mentioned in the first verse, which occurred to me after I had written the song and the realisation nearly knocked my off my seat).  Just some fun stuff.

And I think by now you may have had enough of an exposition to the song.  So, finally, here's:

Left Behind

this is a letter I won't ever send
it's not so much a "Dear John," as an "I wish you were here tonight"
and so much for thinking that writing it would help,
'cause now I'm not only missing you, but I'm feeling left behind

these words that I'm writing I wouldn't ever dare say, but I know you can't hear me tonight
maybe I should start with something like "how are you," maybe I should say I'm alright
but I remember well the fight we had before you went overseas
so I don't want to waste your time, if you've been getting over me
and I'm guessing you've forgotten what such pleasantries are for
since there it's "take a life to save a life, " but I know nothing of war
all I know is loneliness has settled in, and I can't fall asleep
because I gave my heart to a milit'ry man to keep

this is a letter I won't ever send
it's not so much a "Dear John," as an "I wish you were here tonight"
and so much for thinking that writing it would help,
'cause now I'm not only missing you, but I'm feeling left behind

I wonder just how much this fight will change you, and if you will ever be the same
these months without you might just make me understand exactly why you had to go away
but now I can't even call your phone, whenever I would like
and I'm not convinced that I would answer, if you were to call mine
because sometimes love doesn't conquer all, whatever I believed
but this distance and our silence say more than could any words like these
I've heard "absence makes the heart grow fonder," but mine's only more confused
about our once-sweet meant-to-be we made a mess of, and misused

this is a letter I won't ever send
it's not so much a "Dear John," as an "I wish you were here tonight"
and so much for thinking that writing it would help,
'cause now I'm not only missing you, but I'm feeling left behind

lately my days feel more like a string of bad daydreams, but it's better than facing the truth
'cause it scares me that if we die you're the one who wins, and if you come back, I lose
you've always found this life exciting, but I feel like a martyr
with you travelling and moving on, this isn't our adventure
I've signed every letter "love, my name," since I first held a pen
but here that wouldn't be right, because we broke up before you went
maybe in my heart I always knew I couldn't keep you occupied
not when you spent your time being too much army, not enough mine

And there's no "chorus" to end the song, because I think that last line is just powerful enough to drive the point home without having to fall back into the "chorus" one last time.  It is, so to speak, killer.

Anyway, there it is.  Thanks, as always, for reading.

Next two songs coming up: "Charming" and "Loved You Best."  In that order.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

So what happened to bulletproof weeks in your arms?...What happened to thinking the world was flat? / What happened, yeah, what happened to that?

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much / but maybe this thing was a masterpiece, 'til you tore it all up...