From Across the Room

Over the past few days, I can honestly say that I have truly learned the meaning of "surreal."  And not in a good way.  In a few of the most awful, awful ways possible - and I think I'm still reeling from shock and disbelief.  But nevertheless, one must carry on.

And so we do.

This is almost a song written from stray lines that I've collected for a time and inspiration that would find them somehow fitting with something, woven together with rhymes and commonality.  The first line, I think, I had had written down for a month and a half, as with the first few lines of the chorus, before it even occurred to me to put them together (during class, of course).  I know what the song is about, though.  It's a story about which I've written a lot - and this may be the first of the songs about that story which I am posting on here.  But, really, the story's all there, in the song.  I don't have to  - and I would prefer not to - go too deep into it to explain it beforehand.

But, just a pithy explanation: on the surface, it's about everything being great in a relationship until something happens (for an "arbitrary" example, he cheats in a big way), and then what follows between the two - the fight they have, the things said - serves to destroy even the remembrances of things being great, which makes the whole enterprise seem almost a waste, something to regret.  And something that was golden for a while, or seemed to be, is, in the end, reduced to fodder for bitterness.

From Across the Room

I think that maybe we were perfect for a tiny little while

but now I can't remember when that might have been

we had a way of pretending that everything was fine

up until the night the walls started caving in,

the night I learned what the end is all about:

that's when the ugly truth comes out

CHORUS:

you were like a painting that looks so good from across the room

but up close and over time, is not beautiful at all

soon enough, the colours change and the cracks begin to show

and although I tried to be the one, to catch you when you fall,

I wish that I had stayed looking at you,

from across the room

you once promised a girl that you would always love her

then you turned around and proved those empty words

nothing was so wrong you couldn't break it even further

nothing was so broken you couldn't make it even worse

then the words you said instead of goodbye

just ruin the good mem'ries I can find

CHORUS:

you were like a painting that looks so good from across the room

but up close and over time, is not beautiful at all

soon enough, the colours change, and the cracks begin to show

and although I tried to be the one, to catch you when you fall,

I wish that I had stayed looking at you,

from across the room

BRIDGE:

if you hadn't moved more than one step in my direction,

I might still be wishing I were in that gallery with you

but now I'm glad not to be in anyone's collection

because I've learned that I'm not shatterproof

you were like a painting that looks so good from across the room

but up close and over time, you were not beautiful at all

soon enough, your colours changed and the cracks began to show

and even though I wanted to be the one to hold you after all

CHORUS:

you were like a painting that looks so good from across the room

but up close and over time, is not beautiful at all

soon enough, the colours change and the cracks begin to show

and although I tried to be the one to catch you when you fall

I wish that I had stayed looking at you,

from across the room

I wish that I had stayed looking at you,

from across the room

I think that maybe we were perfect for a tiny little while,

but now I can't remember when that could have been...

Just now, as I was typing it, I got a distinctly Dorian Gray vibe from it, which I don't really think I had before.  But I still like it.  I finished it around 28 February, so that's a positive sign, that I still like it.  Usually I go back and crinkle my nose at some of the bizarre crap stuff I've written (mostly when I go back and re-read early early posts from this blog - which, I confess, is not something I do all that often).  And it doesn't have to be lyrical; some of the prose I've written over the years has been equally cringe-worthy.  But we grow, right?

The bridge took me the longest to come up with (I think I had about seven different drafts before I picked one to refine).  I like how it continues the theme of the painting/gallery, especially in that part of the song.  Unless you think it's too much?  And part of the chorus is an homage to my favourite musical, Chess.  Oh, and I recently (as in, today) learned that the lyricist of the show actually also wrote my favourite Bond song!  So I picked it well.

Much love,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

And I know, I know, sticklers out there might be maligning the fact that I altered my usual signature ("much love, and thank you for the musik") - actually, I don't think people read this blog to actually notice stuff like that, but anyway - and might be wondering why.  It's because I wanted to thank someone specific for the musik this time around.  I came thisclose to fainting when I heard the news, at about half-past midnight central time, that Cory Monteith had died.  (I went on Twitter one last time before going to bed, to check whether Baby Cambridge had been born yet, and got an entirely different news flash.  After which I could not fall asleep.)  And I've spent much time since then bawling my eyes out.  I'm not entirely sure why, but it's completely surreal (see above) and I will never forget the almost-passing-out feeling that accompanied my knowledge of the loss (and, yes, I am writing a song about this).  So tonight, I want to thank him for the musik, for playing Finn Hudson - the only character I consistently liked, even during the godawful season 4 - on Glee.  Cory, thank you for the musik, the joy, the beauty you brought to life just with your presence.  You are so missed.

The sun will still shine tomorrow, so it's time for movin' on / there's not a second for sorrow, even though the moment's gone...

I will not be entertaining any comments on the irrationality of my grief, or on the hypocrisy of admiring a man who ended up dying of a heroin/alcohol overdose.  Something about the whole thing still keeps making my head spin.

Longest Goodbye

Thank you to Yalina for her comment!  It made me smile, so thank you for the words of encouragement.

This song is kind of the flipside of "Touch You (Electricity)."  It's the moment you realise you can't just have a relationship based on physical attraction, and it's hard to stay but it's equally hard to say it's over.   And so you keep wanting to drag it out, because you don't ever want to get where you know you have to.

And I guess this song is sort of an homage to that bittersweet moment, the one where it dawns on you that the time for goodbye is now, and not tomorrow - even though you knew it was coming, it still manages to sneak up on you in a sad, sudden, unexpected way.  Maybe you'll read it, and see it in a sort of "friends with benefits" situation - where both parties happen to develop feelings beyond that deal, and for that reason have to part ways, and to end that situation.  But I feel like only seeing that in the song is selling it very, very short (but that, of course, is just me, because I see a great depth in that, and because I wrote it, obviously!).

It's also kind of a study on time, and on that moment in As You Like It, where Orlando and Rosalind are talking about how time, although technically the same pace for everyone all the time, varies in speed for different people at different times (like Einstein's Theory of Relativity, only way before that and written so much more eloquently).  And because both parties - back to the song again, sorry for any whiplash - are unwilling to reach that final moment, it feels like the longest farewell ever.  Of course, I wasn't thinking about Shakespeare or Einstein when I was writing it, but it seemed a good addition to my introduction to the song.

I don't know if you'll see all of that in the song, but it's there if you look (maybe).

Longest Goodbye

awakened by the rising sun, we were twisted in the sheets
the last morning was dawning, for you and me
we swore to each other early on that we wouldn't fall in love
then we both learned that running is never enough
and though I've kept that promise from the very first day
I realised that I've memorised every curve of your face

CHORUS:
this has to be the longest two people have ever said goodbye
it might take all day, or we might need another night
I know we can't stay, but I really hate to leave your side
as we both try to pretend that we still have some pride
neither of us wants to be the first to say the words tonight,
so we're just dragging our feet through this longest goodbye

I watch you stare at the ceiling, breathing out and in
both of us just tasting the final moments
in a few days, I'll be pretending that I didn't really know you
and you won't even be jealous if you see me with someone knew
maybe knowing you was always going to be bad,
but please forgive me now if I'm feeling just a little sad

CHORUS:
this has to be the longest two people have ever said goodbye
it might take all day, or we might need another night
you know we can't stay, but I really hate to leave your side
as we both try to pretend that we still have some pride
neither of us wants to be the first to say the words tonight
so we're just dragging our feet through this longest goodbye

(instrumental)

neither of us wants to be the first to say the words tonight
so we're just dragging our hearts through this longest goodbye

so I touch your face, one last time
this was real, this is goodbye...

There's no bridge here, just the instrumental, because I feel like there's no let-up in this kind of a situation: you can't change what you know has to come, so why change the flow of the song, when you have to reach the end anyway?

Much love, and thank you for the musik!

Just Another Ordinary Girl

I wanna be the only weakness that you want / so light me up, and burn me down / I wanna be your bad habit, a bad habit that's too hard to break...

Touch You (Electricity)

So I've been having a really great week.  And I very much want you to read that sentence in an inner voice that is dripping with sarcasm.  The end result of a difficult few days is hands riddled with paper cuts, palms scraped and knees skinned to the bone, and a spirit severely bruised by the loss of a dream.  (And all that on top of a pulled groin I suffered last week, while running interference between my cat and the really evil one next door.)  No, I'm not five years old, but the large band-aids on my knees almost make me feel that way.

Hopefully this song will prove I'm not.

But first, I want to say that I'm being helped during this new return to my blog by the fact that I have a very dear friend who seemed sad to see me leave it in the first place, so I ended up emailing songs as I was finishing them to my friend.  And now I have a wonderful collection of emails and songs and explanations of those songs from which to feed these posts.  I'm very grateful for that, because cutting and pasting saves some time.

In the email which included this song I called it one of the most unusual songs I've ever written - in the sense that maybe I shouldn't have written it.  I don't really know what I'm talking about here, but sometimes my imagination is bulletproof and that helps me to write.  If I didn't have such an imagination, I wouldn't be half of who I actually am.

And I have mentioned this song to you before, describing it as "that insane, overwhelming, inexplicable physical attraction to someone."  And that's what it is: it's not cerebral, it's not deep, or profound, or anything.  My focus was about it being sensual, almost visceral.  It's physical attraction, not mental or anything more significant than that.  And I think there's something to be said about having written this as a duet; it makes it just a touch more sexy.

One of the songs I think maybe informed this one was "Run," a collaboration between Matt Nathanson and Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland.  I love love love this song.  It is stunning.  So what if he's kind of creepy?  The song is exquisite, and I really am all but completely obsessed with it: the "(oh, oh, oh) I'm amazing, (oh, oh, oh) when you're beside me, (oh, oh, oh) I'm so much more" bridge part always gives me chills, no matter how many times I've heard it.  Chills.

Let me explain a little bit of my writing process with this one.  I don't know why, but I feel like I have to defend it (because I'm always really nervous about this one), so please bear with me.  (Or, if not, please feel free to skip this next passage and go straight to the song.)

My tendency, when I write, is to overthink things.  Like, way overthink things.  I've been known to write pages about how exactly this phrase should sound, which word would sound better, and why it's not this other word (especially with "Lament for Lokomotiv"), and/or about exactly the way I want the song to progress.  With this, I really had to control myself, and consciously stop myself when it got way too mental, and started straying from the original point of the song.  I crossed out lines that reflected, as I wrote, "too much thought - this is a FEEL song, not a PENSIVE one!"

And the way I got to writing this song in the first place is bizarre, really, if I'm being honest.  In my notebook, where I transcribe all of the final versions, ideally, of my songs, I have written that I began writing this song 5 November 2012 - a Monday.  This was the Monday after Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy - and my first day going back to classes since the storms and floods and everything, and having had the entire previous week off.  I had to find new creative ways to get to class, since my usual modes of transportation were not working, or running.  And so it was that I found myself on a train, one I had never previously been on, as the sky grew darker around us.  Is this necessarily important?  No, I just remember it.  And it's kind of a stark contrast to the contents of the song, which is amusing.  Anyway, so there I was, sitting next to an older businessman, proper in attire and bearing, with papers strewn about on the pull-down table in front of him.  I'm always afraid of being misrepresented, and as a girl, I'm always afraid that older/male people are going to think I'm flighty and shallow (and I don't think I am).  So, to counter his seriousness, I pulled out my aforementioned school assignment pad/planner/thing, and started writing some words I had been mulling over previously.  Next thing I knew, I had filled up the page, front and back, and the song was basically done.

Anyway.  I think by now you know far too much about this to even want to read the song.  I just always feel like I have to over-explain things, as sort of an unspoken apology.  I don't know why.  But, really, so much of what I say on a daily basis is an apology by any other name.

Oh, well.  Let me just get to the song already.

Touch You (Electricity)

f:
I like being this close to you
and feeling this moment on my lips
a breath away from changing the rules
with your heart at my fingertips
your blue eyes shining in the dark,
and I'm about to drop my guard

CHORUS (both):
'cause I, I wanna touch you
I, I, I wanna touch you
and it feels like electricity
electricity, electricity, washing over me
so I, I wanna touch you

m:
I like when we're alone like this,
nothing else but you and me
and I could swear you're made of magic
because you are exactly what I need
f:
your blue eyes shining through the dark
causing this crazy racing of my heart


CHORUS (both):
'cause I, I wanna touch you
I, I, I wanna touch you
and it feels like electricity
electricity, electricity, washing over me
so I, I wanna touch you

BRIDGE (f):
your blue eyes lighting up the night,
we're burning, smoldering, glowing bright

(beat)

(both):
(I, I, I) electricity
(I, I, I) electricity, electricity
I, I wanna touch you (electricity, electricity)
(I, I, I) electricity
(I, I, I) electricity, electricity
I, I wanna touch you (electricity, electricity)

et cetera until fade out...

My apologies if the word "electricity" has ceased to look like a word by now.  Also, "f/m" should alert you as to which person is singing - it is a duet, after all.  Which I'm sure you know, but I'm just overly making sure, as I do.

Anyway.

Much love, and thank you for the musik!

Just Another Ordinary Girl

So we lie here, in the dark, all the wrong things on fire....to be with you, just to be with you...