Hate You

This may be somewhat of a contemplative post, or at least prelude to the rest of it, but please bear with me.  I sit here, pensive and listening to Kenny Chesney's "Sing 'Em Good My Friend" on repeat, having spent much of yesterday in a beautiful, heartfelt, and hopeful daydream, only to come into work today and realise just how foolish and unrealistic and 'never-gonna-happen-at-least-not-with-you-have-you-ever-looked-in-a-mirror-or-in-the-past?-come-on-get-real' it is.  It seems our hearts set us up for failure and disappointment - or, at least, mine does, having gotten much practise over my fruitless and uneventful years.  Uneventful, that is, aside from my vivid imagination painting pictures just as elusive as clouds of smoke hidden in twilight shadow.  Today, my heart hurts.  But why?  Not for anything I had, surely, because there is nothing I've actually lost that's worth feeling this way over.  Perhaps for the snuffing out of the fledgling flame of the promise of a different morning, of a beautiful future in which everything described in songs I love manifested itself in a single person whose arms were open, ready, accommodating, and gentle for someone like me.

Maybe it's the song merely talking through me.  Or maybe I'm tired of being set aside, both by life and by my own mind.  If I say I have so damn much to give, why do I both believe it and undermine it?  I search, unbidden, for flaws within me, to reinforce the emptiness around me.  But I also search for meaning, to imbue my solitary trek from day to day with a feeling of it being not only worthwhile but glorious.  Whatever.  Maybe this stuff is unimportant, and y'all are rolling your eyes.  I'm gonna cry right now, and that's okay....you won't remember a single word I've got to say....

Unimportant, maybe.  But irrelevant to this blog?  Certainly.

And so we're moving on.

I've aquired a ton of new music since I've last written, but somehow nothing beyond "Sing 'Em Good My Friend" seems fitting today.  The lyrics, by themselves, are enough to make one lost in desperate thought.  Add to it the ghostly background vocals, and Kenny Chesney's soft and poignant drawl, and it overshadows anything else I might attempt to bring up here.  Of course, "a ton" is a hyperbole.  Plus music is unquantifiable in a metric sense but, again, please bear with me.  My heart is heavy, and perhaps that increases my eloquence but diminishes my ability to be rational.

This song is one I've had in my mind since 4 July.  It's not born from this strange feeling settling down in my chest, so don't worry.  I've just not had time, nor the inclination, to finish it until today, when the disquiet in my mind searched for something else to ponder.  I remember I came up with the chorus in one fell swoop, while in the shower that day, after something in the hockey world happened, towards which I felt extraordinarily resentful.  If you couldn't understand that from the title.  Of course, after much deliberation and debate, I have grown to not feel so resentful, but you'll excuse me if the song still stands - it can refer to any situation, of course.  I wrote it as a kind of break-up song, steeped in bitterness.

Hate You

one day, I'll look at you and not feel like you betrayed me
one day, I won't have to take what happened so personally
maybe we'll even be friends

one day, it'll be easy to smile at the crazy things we got to do
one day, I'll believe that what you said all along was the truth
maybe this broken heart will mend

CHORUS:
but right now,
I just need to hate you
'cause that's how
I'll ever get through
the mess you made when you left
the silence after every breath
the fact that you are not the man I thought you were
so right now,
I have to hate you so much it hurts

one day, I'll be able to stop pretending that I understand
one day, I'll forget how safe it felt just to be in your hands
maybe my life will still be grand

CHORUS:
but right now,
I just need to hate you
'cause that's how
I'll ever get through
the mess you made when you left
the silence after every breath
the fact that you are not the man I thought you were
so right now,
I have to hate you so much it hurts

BRIDGE:
so go ahead, and don't give me a second thought
try to feel good about yourself
I'll stay behind, with the break that I've caught
and your memory dispelled

CHORUS:
but right now,
I just need to hate you
'cause that's how
I'll ever get through
the mess you made when you left
the silence after every breath
the fact that you are not the man I thought you were
so right now,
I have to hate you so much it hurts
oh, boy, I hate you so much it hurts

one day, I'll look at you and not feel like you betrayed me...

"Thought" is a difficult word for which to come up with a rhyme.  Damn, it's tough, even with the app on my phone which generates rhymes.  Questions/comments/suggestions are, as usual, both appreciated and welcomed.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

p.s.  For example, I received a suggestion from a friend about shifting choruses, and using them.  I'm still trying to figure out what kind of song dealing with what would accommodate that the best, but see?  It was a good suggestion.

When winters come along and summer's dead and gone, is there anything left here to say?  I can put my arms around the emptiness I found and find a way to make you stay.  But I'm standing still, as you leave me now.