How It Feels

Okay, I know I said I would be back with this post during the weekend (not this past weekend, of course, but the previous one), but please excuse my delay.  Sometimes I give myself a deadline for something, and then willfully surpass it.  It's a horrible habit, I know.  But there it is.

And here is this.  As I mentioned before, this is another song that is not my favourite that I've ever written.  I came up with it last winter, finishing it around 6 December, but something about it has always continued to feel unfinished for me.  I think it's the chorus.

But I'll get to that in a little bit.  First, as usual, I'd like to explain the song itself.  It's not, as I've said, my favourite.  There are parts that kind of make me cringe (as the writer, of course - they probably won't have the same effect on you as the reader, I hope), but at the same time, it also features one of my favourite lines that I've ever written.  So there's that.

I'm posting it now, because it is the first song (chronologically and emotionally), the first piece in which I address the story which prompted tens of other songs (I'm not even exaggerating with that number; I have about thirteen songs lined up to post here that deal with the same exact thing, all in different ways), and as it is not the best one of that group I'd like to get it over with as soon and as quickly as possible.

Not that it's a bad song, of course.  Let me be clear with that.  It's just that there are so many better ones coming up that the difference is very perceptible.

There's a song I will be putting up on here in a few posts that I named, "And Her Name Is Lonely," and I liken this one to a poor man's "And Her Name Is Lonely."  There was a lot of loneliness preempting both songs (as you shall see shortly).  I was extremely lonely last fall, and all during the winter, and very miserable, so my songs verily reflected that.

Excuse me, I've been reading Jane Austen.

So yes, it reflects that greatly.  And that pertains to the favourite line I mentioned above.  I've always loved that line I wrote in "Holding Out For You," in the beginning of the second verse: "but no one ever had a cookie cutter for the rest of your life."  I liked that so much I changed my Twitter handle (is that what usernames are called on there?) to accommodate it.  But the one from this song, the last line of the chorus, definitely rivals that: "but I go off in my car, just to park somewhere and cry."

'Cause that's so where I was last fall.  And I'm good at it, by now.  (Also at driving through tears.  Oh, and with bare feet.  Which apparently is frowned upon?)

So that was the first line, and once I came up with that I had to try and figure out a way to write a song around it.  In the song's early iterations, it was actually known as, "How It Feels (A Stone, Personified)," but then that kind of started to feel pretentious.  I don't think people really expect the word, "personified," to come into their songs.

Anyway, I like that it's more of an abstract thing, in the verses, and then it progresses and comes to an explication, really, of what preceded it, by the time it comes to the chorus.  But all the same, as I've mentioned before, it's almost felt unfinished to me, as though there were something missing in the chorus (and don't even get me started on the bridge, which is kind of lacking in subtlety and originality, I feel).  But there's a pervasive sense of pain and sadness that there's no mistaking.

The verses are definitely my favourite part, aside from the last line of the chorus.  There's just so much there, that exhibits feeling yet transcends the moment.  But I don't know, maybe it's just me.  I went through a lot of edits of the chorus, but sometimes you have to stick with what you already have, even if it's not entirely satisfying, because it might be as good as it'll get.

So here it is.  I'll stop now.

How It Feels

loneliness comes creeping in when you're giving up a fight
the sunrise comes awful early when you've stayed up all night
lately staring out the window takes up so much of my time
and it gets easier to lie each time I tell myself I'm fine

CHORUS:
so this is how it feels, without you in my life
caution and slow motion, second-guessing all the time
I wish I could be cold: a stone, personified,
but I go off in my car, just to park somewhere and cry

the cold and dark come soon after blowing out a flame
and who you were the day before won't ever be the same
now I'm getting used to falling, after we flew too high
because sometimes you walk away, without saying goodbye*

CHORUS:
so this how it feels, without you in my life
caution and slow motion, second-guessing all the time
I wish I could be cold: a stone, personified,
but I go off in my car, just to park somewhere and cry

BRIDGE:
sometimes I wonder if you feel it, too
how cold the world has gotten,
still I can't forget a single thing about you,
even though I'm probably forgotten

CHORUS 2:
I guess this is how it feels, without you in my life
caution and slow motion, second-guessing all the time
I wish I were indifferent: a stone, personified,
then I wouldn't even care that you cheated and lied,
and I could be cold and unbroken, not just pushed aside
instead I go off in my car, just to park somewhere and cry

now I'm here in my car, 'cause I've parked somewhere to cry...

*Anyone catch the brief Crazy Heart tribute in the previous line?  It's meant to be subtle, but noticeable if you've fallen in love with the soundtrack, as I have.  Additionally, in the actual line with the asterisk, I had an issue figuring out if the line should be "without saying goodbye," or "instead of saying goodbye."  Thoughts?  I finally settled on the first, after many scribbles in my notebook, vacillating between one and the other.  I guess I thought it was sadder, but so is the latter one.  Let me know what you think!

Next song I'll post: "Weren't We."  I adore this one.  (From here on out, that's basically how I feel about all of the songs.)  It has a good story behind it, too.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

Baby, I was naive, got lost in your eyes, never even had a chance.