Now this would have been the song to post on Friday, the fourteenth.
Too bad I didn't actually think of it until Sunday. The sixteenth.
And I started writing it en route to a funeral. It was my next-door neighbor's, who had been very sick for many years, for as long as I had known her (about twenty years). And I was standing there, listening to her life's story being told, holding my dad's hand and wishing that there were a way he would never leave me. Of course, not two minutes later, he moved away, to go stand with my mom. Fair enough, I suppose.
On the way home, I was listening to Pure Heroine, Lorde's ridiculously amazing debut album, and composing this song of my own. Which has nothing to do with funerals or anything, just to be clear. But of course, almost as if on purpose, as I was coming up with the first verse (I had finished the chorus and the bridge by then), I got a text from the person who inspired it. And all I wanted was for the song to not even be necessary, but it was because this is reality and not something I can pretend isn't happening. And it goes back to what I was saying at the very end of the last post, about starting to get over him.
Or trying to, at least.
Valentine's Day
today I decided to learn just how to put away my heart
and you're on my list of things not to think about, tonight
I guess some battles are lost before they even start
it's sad, but I missed watching the sun going down, tonight
CHORUS:
now I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day
it feels like ages since I've smiled, going on fourteen hours
and I've been defeated by not even trying, tonight
the taste your name left on my tongue is turning sour
it's sad, but I think the butterflies I used to feel are dying, tonight
CHORUS:
and I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that used to shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day
BRIDGE:
there has to be something between giving up and holding out forever
but it's taking all I have just to hold myself together
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool
CHORUS:
so I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool
here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day...
Maybe it's just me, but I think it's powerfully sad, and I'm quite happy with it (as contradictory as it sounds).
I'm not going to analyse this song to death, but I like that it's mostly written in metaphor - like the turning off the lights part. And my favourite line is, "little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you / and I'm washing away the stars..." I came up with that part sitting in the passenger's seat of a car he was driving, along snow-covered back roads.
Well, that's it from me.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
We're so happy, even when we're smiling out of fear.
19 February 2014
15 February 2014
Because You're Wonderful
I originally intended to post this yesterday, as I was writing up the draft earlier this week. I'm keeping the original text, below, even though it is now another day.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
As it is the fourteenth of February, I feel it would be remiss of me if I were not to wish anyone reading this a very happy Valentine's Day.
At the same time, what the hell do I know about that? I have never had the pleasure(?) of being in love on Valentine's Day. But I do wish it for everyone else. At least I have my songs - some people well and truly have nothing. I cannot, for better or worse, say the same thing about myself.
But because it is that famed day of love, I thought I'd share with you this song. There are many things it's not - but loving is definitely not one of them. (Enjoy figuring out that double negative.) Also, complicated. In fact, it's really quite simple.
And I think part of it is that it's been difficult for me to write songs lately. I'm not sure why. But I would come up with a line here, or a chorus there, while never exactly being able to continue with the idea, even when I was otherwise quite pleased with it. So I have a plethora of little slips of paper all together in a folder that I just never could get around to (or could compel myself to pay attention to). This one, for example, I started 3 December, and finished only about two weeks ago - and only then because I thought it might help me if I concentrated on a single song, and I chose this one.
It's about someone with whom I don't stand a chance, but who still, whenever I see him, makes the thought, "My god, he's beautiful," run through my mind as though I were in a Taylor Swift song. And he knows I think he's wonderful (in fact, that seems to be my word of choice to describe him, as I have yet to use another) - and he enjoys it. A little too much.
So it was this that inspired me to write. And the song itself began as a poem, which I shall reproduce in full here (it's an unbelievably short poem):
Your face.
Two words on my lips:
Wonderful, and ridiculous.
That last, for me, and the other
is yours alone.
And that's it. It accurately presents the state of things. But it also serves as a jumping-off point for the full-length song, which I didn't think would actually manage to grow from something so small.
But it did. And even though falling for him was a mistake - and will never not be - I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. And the reason? Three guesses.
Because You're Wonderful
sometimes when I'm sleeping, you come to me and we dream all night, laughing
and then I'm surprised when I see you the next day and it didn't actually happen
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love the way you walk, with your black jacket on
and I love the way it smells, like cigarettes and gum
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
sometimes during the day, my eyes find your face and my heart skips a beat
and I hope no one notices in that moment how I'm struck by electricity
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
BRIDGE:
I could stand with you forever, you would only have to ask and I'd stay
and I would tell you that you're wonderful every day
'cause I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
more than anything
I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful,
because you're wonderful
oh-whoa, you're wonderful
(fade out)
As I said, it's quite simple. I imagine a very simple guitar line, with an explosive crescendo on the line "because you're wonderful," in each verse. But then again, I have no idea if it's a good one, because, as I've said, I have lost the ability to write songs (at least, it certainly feels that way). But it's everything I'm feeling now - which, true to form, has no easy explanation. But I suppose it's my way of honouring the good I see. I don't know, maybe it's stupid. I'm sure at least he would think I was a fool if he knew this song existed.
But whatever. I gave myself until yesterday (14 February) to pretend that being blissed out on him would have a happy ending - and today starts the getting-over-him process. But just for once - for ONCE - I would love to fall for someone without the exquisite agony of knowing that it's a lost cause. Not that it matters, now, anyway, as I have decided to put my heart away. For how long, I'm not sure. But at least for a substantial period of time, because I can't do this anymore.
If there's anybody out there, let me know any reactions to the song you might have.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
Stay beautiful, every little piece, love.
p.s. I should really find a new moniker. I think I've outgrown the angst of this one.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
As it is the fourteenth of February, I feel it would be remiss of me if I were not to wish anyone reading this a very happy Valentine's Day.
At the same time, what the hell do I know about that? I have never had the pleasure(?) of being in love on Valentine's Day. But I do wish it for everyone else. At least I have my songs - some people well and truly have nothing. I cannot, for better or worse, say the same thing about myself.
But because it is that famed day of love, I thought I'd share with you this song. There are many things it's not - but loving is definitely not one of them. (Enjoy figuring out that double negative.) Also, complicated. In fact, it's really quite simple.
And I think part of it is that it's been difficult for me to write songs lately. I'm not sure why. But I would come up with a line here, or a chorus there, while never exactly being able to continue with the idea, even when I was otherwise quite pleased with it. So I have a plethora of little slips of paper all together in a folder that I just never could get around to (or could compel myself to pay attention to). This one, for example, I started 3 December, and finished only about two weeks ago - and only then because I thought it might help me if I concentrated on a single song, and I chose this one.
It's about someone with whom I don't stand a chance, but who still, whenever I see him, makes the thought, "My god, he's beautiful," run through my mind as though I were in a Taylor Swift song. And he knows I think he's wonderful (in fact, that seems to be my word of choice to describe him, as I have yet to use another) - and he enjoys it. A little too much.
So it was this that inspired me to write. And the song itself began as a poem, which I shall reproduce in full here (it's an unbelievably short poem):
Your face.
Two words on my lips:
Wonderful, and ridiculous.
That last, for me, and the other
is yours alone.
And that's it. It accurately presents the state of things. But it also serves as a jumping-off point for the full-length song, which I didn't think would actually manage to grow from something so small.
But it did. And even though falling for him was a mistake - and will never not be - I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. And the reason? Three guesses.
Because You're Wonderful
sometimes when I'm sleeping, you come to me and we dream all night, laughing
and then I'm surprised when I see you the next day and it didn't actually happen
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love the way you walk, with your black jacket on
and I love the way it smells, like cigarettes and gum
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
sometimes during the day, my eyes find your face and my heart skips a beat
and I hope no one notices in that moment how I'm struck by electricity
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
BRIDGE:
I could stand with you forever, you would only have to ask and I'd stay
and I would tell you that you're wonderful every day
'cause I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
more than anything
I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful,
because you're wonderful
oh-whoa, you're wonderful
(fade out)
As I said, it's quite simple. I imagine a very simple guitar line, with an explosive crescendo on the line "because you're wonderful," in each verse. But then again, I have no idea if it's a good one, because, as I've said, I have lost the ability to write songs (at least, it certainly feels that way). But it's everything I'm feeling now - which, true to form, has no easy explanation. But I suppose it's my way of honouring the good I see. I don't know, maybe it's stupid. I'm sure at least he would think I was a fool if he knew this song existed.
But whatever. I gave myself until yesterday (14 February) to pretend that being blissed out on him would have a happy ending - and today starts the getting-over-him process. But just for once - for ONCE - I would love to fall for someone without the exquisite agony of knowing that it's a lost cause. Not that it matters, now, anyway, as I have decided to put my heart away. For how long, I'm not sure. But at least for a substantial period of time, because I can't do this anymore.
If there's anybody out there, let me know any reactions to the song you might have.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
Stay beautiful, every little piece, love.
p.s. I should really find a new moniker. I think I've outgrown the angst of this one.
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