Enough

I want to start today by thanking a very mysterious reader, QuiteTheFanofYou.  It's been such a long time since I've received a comment on one of my posts that I'd all but forgotten the butterflies in my stomach that I get when I receive the notification.  Your words are kind and sweet, and I'm thrilled and honoured that you decide not only to visit but also to stay every so often.  Please continue to come.  Maybe I'll bring scones and tea next time.

Truly, thank you.  Please continue to be yourself.

Now.

I had been meaning to post this song last week, but it was absolutely nuts and I couldn't.  I had, to put it mildly, a very intense week.  I got very little sleep, and spent most of my time either working at home on my computer, or at one of my three(!) jobs.  It all happened so fast that I didn't know if I'd come up out of the madness in one piece.

But it was also fantastic in a beautiful way.  Last night I found myself, several hours after midnight, in a parking lot under a streetlight talking to the kindest friend I've ever had, about fear and love and time and family and life.  When it started getting cold, he held me in his arms for a little while before we drove away, and he smelled so good and I rested my head on his shoulder as he said, "Thank you," like in the movies.  And I nearly missed when I went to kiss his cheek.  "For what?" I asked, because he was the one who had listened to my inane drivel, and I had done nothing, I thought, to warrant gratitude on his part.  And, using a line from one of my songs (not that he knew that, of course), he said, "For being you."

I drove all the way home in silence because no song that I could have wanted to play would have been able to precisely match the beating of my heart then.

This song has nothing to do with that.  I just wanted to share that experience because if I hadn't been there I wouldn't have thought it could happen to me.

And that's all that will happen, because - so many barriers.

Especially around my heart.  They've been recently constructed, but I'm going to allow them to cement themselves in there, shutting out anyone who could possibly hurt me again.  I refuse to do this again, ever.

Ever.

I've been broken too irreparably this time.

No, this song came about when I was watching an episode of Glee, which has devolved into something really unwatchable - at least, in my opinion.  But there was this one episode where the "kids" were at a dog shelter, and they were singing a song that I can't remember anymore.  Despite that, I do remember that there was a line that I totally misheard, and then I ran with the way I had heard it because I just knew in that moment it would be amazing.  And that line is, "close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?"  So I wrote that down, not knowing where it would lead me but knowing that I wanted to use it. And then it hit me: I'll just write about everything I pretend is love, so that the song will take on its own bittersweet quality.  The little moments that you can read into, or the little things that make your heart flutter, even if they weren't meant in any way but friendliness.  I wrote about that stuff, and you'll see what I did.

I let the title be a direct answer to the incessant questions of "is it enough."  Because I thought "Yes" might be too obvious and obnoxious, I went with "Enough" instead.  It's just pathetic enough to be profound, I feel.

Enough

is it enough, to see him when he looks at you?
his eyes so honest you might almost read his mind
is it enough, the way he holds himself as he moves?
one foot after the other, in almost too straight a line
and when he catches you staring and smiles back, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?

is it enough, to hear his voice when he speaks?
to be so close you can hear everything he says
is it enough, that he knows you know what he means?
his words like water washing over you then slipping away
trading jokes and getting him to laugh at one, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?

BRIDGE:
is it enough to miss him every day,
to be holding each other and be still so far away?
not to want him but to want him, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?

is it enough, to pretend this is how it really is?
to expect nothing else than what you've never had
is it enough, to be afraid of anything more than this?
drawing an ever-thicker line between what's good and bad
to be lost in a daydream before you fall asleep, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?

to give your heart and get nothing in return, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
doesn't it, doesn't it, doesn't it almost feel like love?

(repeat until fade out)

I don't know what you're going to think but I love this song.  It's a triumph, and I think it's trumped "And Her Name is Lonely" as what I consider my best.  But you tell me, because I am wrong about just about everything, so this could be just another misconception on my part.

Much love, and thank you for the musik.

In an ordinary fairy tale end, there's a promise of a perfect happy end / and I imagine having just short of that is better than nothing...

Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart.

Closed Doors

Tonight, I can't fall asleep to save my life.  Not a wink.  I don't know why.

So I'm here, with you.

I have this one friend who reads this blog, and after reading the last few posts he asked me why I didn't write more "happy songs."  That apparently the last ones were sad.  Which, I will concede, they were.  I guess.

But I don't do happy.  I suppose that's why I'm on anti-depressants.  (They don't work, obviously.  But I dutifully still take them because I never met a rule I didn't follow.)

So I told him to brace himself - if he thought those were sad, that I can't even think what he'll see in these next few coming up.

Shout out to Alex.  Brace yourself, my dear friend.

This is the song I mentioned in the previous post, the one speaking to me shutting down my heart for good.  It's because I can't do this, anymore or again.  I can't.  I need to figure out how to get over this first, which I never will.  So this is the easier way to go about it.

When that part about him laughing at something someone else said happened I was so angry I went home and cried for hours.  She had been incredibly unpleasant to me, and he was so sweet to her after that, that it dawned on me that he'll never be on my side.  And that broke me all over again.

This song was born that night.

It's one verse too long, but it's what had to be said, so please forgive this particular display of verbosity.

Closed Doors

if anyone had asked me I would have said I'm over him
and that it's been a few weeks since his eyes set me on fire
but today I heard him laughing at something someone else said
and the million pieces I broke into would've made me a liar

then somehow it happened that I found myself crying
but we'd been doing so well pretending that we're friends lately
that I didn't have the heart to say I was anything but fine
and I smiled when he looked my way so that he couldn't see through me

CHORUS:
and from now on, I'm locking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors

if one more person tells me that I'll find someone someday
I'll escape from this place and never look back
but I'm trying to be someone better than I was yesterday
and I'll never get anywhere running away like that

CHORUS:
so from now on, I'm looking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors

BRIDGE:
today he said, "oh, there you are,"
and lent me a book of short stories about love
I don't know what it means
but he still won't take me seriously
so at least I'm done trying to figure it out

I have no right to be jealous since he was never even mine
and it's not so much that I want a piece of his heart
but for once I'd like to feel like someone would take my side
maybe if I didn't always jump right it it wouldn't be this hard

CHORUS:
so from now on, I'm locking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors

behind closed doors... (repeat until fade out)

No longer will my heart be too soft.

The next song that's coming is called "Enough," which I finished tonight at work.  And I am so proud of it.

Much love, and thank you for the musik.

No more "you're the only one," 'cause that's all done with now - this is the last love song I'll ever write for you, this is the last love song I'll ever write for you...