Closed Doors

Tonight, I can't fall asleep to save my life.  Not a wink.  I don't know why.

So I'm here, with you.

I have this one friend who reads this blog, and after reading the last few posts he asked me why I didn't write more "happy songs."  That apparently the last ones were sad.  Which, I will concede, they were.  I guess.

But I don't do happy.  I suppose that's why I'm on anti-depressants.  (They don't work, obviously.  But I dutifully still take them because I never met a rule I didn't follow.)

So I told him to brace himself - if he thought those were sad, that I can't even think what he'll see in these next few coming up.

Shout out to Alex.  Brace yourself, my dear friend.

This is the song I mentioned in the previous post, the one speaking to me shutting down my heart for good.  It's because I can't do this, anymore or again.  I can't.  I need to figure out how to get over this first, which I never will.  So this is the easier way to go about it.

When that part about him laughing at something someone else said happened I was so angry I went home and cried for hours.  She had been incredibly unpleasant to me, and he was so sweet to her after that, that it dawned on me that he'll never be on my side.  And that broke me all over again.

This song was born that night.

It's one verse too long, but it's what had to be said, so please forgive this particular display of verbosity.

Closed Doors

if anyone had asked me I would have said I'm over him
and that it's been a few weeks since his eyes set me on fire
but today I heard him laughing at something someone else said
and the million pieces I broke into would've made me a liar

then somehow it happened that I found myself crying
but we'd been doing so well pretending that we're friends lately
that I didn't have the heart to say I was anything but fine
and I smiled when he looked my way so that he couldn't see through me

CHORUS:
and from now on, I'm locking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors

if one more person tells me that I'll find someone someday
I'll escape from this place and never look back
but I'm trying to be someone better than I was yesterday
and I'll never get anywhere running away like that

CHORUS:
so from now on, I'm looking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors

BRIDGE:
today he said, "oh, there you are,"
and lent me a book of short stories about love
I don't know what it means
but he still won't take me seriously
so at least I'm done trying to figure it out

I have no right to be jealous since he was never even mine
and it's not so much that I want a piece of his heart
but for once I'd like to feel like someone would take my side
maybe if I didn't always jump right it it wouldn't be this hard

CHORUS:
so from now on, I'm locking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors

behind closed doors... (repeat until fade out)

No longer will my heart be too soft.

The next song that's coming is called "Enough," which I finished tonight at work.  And I am so proud of it.

Much love, and thank you for the musik.

No more "you're the only one," 'cause that's all done with now - this is the last love song I'll ever write for you, this is the last love song I'll ever write for you...