Enough

I want to start today by thanking a very mysterious reader, QuiteTheFanofYou.  It's been such a long time since I've received a comment on one of my posts that I'd all but forgotten the butterflies in my stomach that I get when I receive the notification.  Your words are kind and sweet, and I'm thrilled and honoured that you decide not only to visit but also to stay every so often.  Please continue to come.  Maybe I'll bring scones and tea next time.

Truly, thank you.  Please continue to be yourself.

Now.

I had been meaning to post this song last week, but it was absolutely nuts and I couldn't.  I had, to put it mildly, a very intense week.  I got very little sleep, and spent most of my time either working at home on my computer, or at one of my three(!) jobs.  It all happened so fast that I didn't know if I'd come up out of the madness in one piece.

But it was also fantastic in a beautiful way.  Last night I found myself, several hours after midnight, in a parking lot under a streetlight talking to the kindest friend I've ever had, about fear and love and time and family and life.  When it started getting cold, he held me in his arms for a little while before we drove away, and he smelled so good and I rested my head on his shoulder as he said, "Thank you," like in the movies.  And I nearly missed when I went to kiss his cheek.  "For what?" I asked, because he was the one who had listened to my inane drivel, and I had done nothing, I thought, to warrant gratitude on his part.  And, using a line from one of my songs (not that he knew that, of course), he said, "For being you."

I drove all the way home in silence because no song that I could have wanted to play would have been able to precisely match the beating of my heart then.

This song has nothing to do with that.  I just wanted to share that experience because if I hadn't been there I wouldn't have thought it could happen to me.

And that's all that will happen, because - so many barriers.

Especially around my heart.  They've been recently constructed, but I'm going to allow them to cement themselves in there, shutting out anyone who could possibly hurt me again.  I refuse to do this again, ever.

Ever.

I've been broken too irreparably this time.

No, this song came about when I was watching an episode of Glee, which has devolved into something really unwatchable - at least, in my opinion.  But there was this one episode where the "kids" were at a dog shelter, and they were singing a song that I can't remember anymore.  Despite that, I do remember that there was a line that I totally misheard, and then I ran with the way I had heard it because I just knew in that moment it would be amazing.  And that line is, "close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?"  So I wrote that down, not knowing where it would lead me but knowing that I wanted to use it. And then it hit me: I'll just write about everything I pretend is love, so that the song will take on its own bittersweet quality.  The little moments that you can read into, or the little things that make your heart flutter, even if they weren't meant in any way but friendliness.  I wrote about that stuff, and you'll see what I did.

I let the title be a direct answer to the incessant questions of "is it enough."  Because I thought "Yes" might be too obvious and obnoxious, I went with "Enough" instead.  It's just pathetic enough to be profound, I feel.

Enough

is it enough, to see him when he looks at you?
his eyes so honest you might almost read his mind
is it enough, the way he holds himself as he moves?
one foot after the other, in almost too straight a line
and when he catches you staring and smiles back, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?

is it enough, to hear his voice when he speaks?
to be so close you can hear everything he says
is it enough, that he knows you know what he means?
his words like water washing over you then slipping away
trading jokes and getting him to laugh at one, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?

BRIDGE:
is it enough to miss him every day,
to be holding each other and be still so far away?
not to want him but to want him, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?

is it enough, to pretend this is how it really is?
to expect nothing else than what you've never had
is it enough, to be afraid of anything more than this?
drawing an ever-thicker line between what's good and bad
to be lost in a daydream before you fall asleep, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?

to give your heart and get nothing in return, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
doesn't it, doesn't it, doesn't it almost feel like love?

(repeat until fade out)

I don't know what you're going to think but I love this song.  It's a triumph, and I think it's trumped "And Her Name is Lonely" as what I consider my best.  But you tell me, because I am wrong about just about everything, so this could be just another misconception on my part.

Much love, and thank you for the musik.

In an ordinary fairy tale end, there's a promise of a perfect happy end / and I imagine having just short of that is better than nothing...

Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart.