From Across the Room

Over the past few days, I can honestly say that I have truly learned the meaning of "surreal."  And not in a good way.  In a few of the most awful, awful ways possible - and I think I'm still reeling from shock and disbelief.  But nevertheless, one must carry on.

And so we do.

This is almost a song written from stray lines that I've collected for a time and inspiration that would find them somehow fitting with something, woven together with rhymes and commonality.  The first line, I think, I had had written down for a month and a half, as with the first few lines of the chorus, before it even occurred to me to put them together (during class, of course).  I know what the song is about, though.  It's a story about which I've written a lot - and this may be the first of the songs about that story which I am posting on here.  But, really, the story's all there, in the song.  I don't have to  - and I would prefer not to - go too deep into it to explain it beforehand.

But, just a pithy explanation: on the surface, it's about everything being great in a relationship until something happens (for an "arbitrary" example, he cheats in a big way), and then what follows between the two - the fight they have, the things said - serves to destroy even the remembrances of things being great, which makes the whole enterprise seem almost a waste, something to regret.  And something that was golden for a while, or seemed to be, is, in the end, reduced to fodder for bitterness.

From Across the Room

I think that maybe we were perfect for a tiny little while

but now I can't remember when that might have been

we had a way of pretending that everything was fine

up until the night the walls started caving in,

the night I learned what the end is all about:

that's when the ugly truth comes out

CHORUS:

you were like a painting that looks so good from across the room

but up close and over time, is not beautiful at all

soon enough, the colours change and the cracks begin to show

and although I tried to be the one, to catch you when you fall,

I wish that I had stayed looking at you,

from across the room

you once promised a girl that you would always love her

then you turned around and proved those empty words

nothing was so wrong you couldn't break it even further

nothing was so broken you couldn't make it even worse

then the words you said instead of goodbye

just ruin the good mem'ries I can find

CHORUS:

you were like a painting that looks so good from across the room

but up close and over time, is not beautiful at all

soon enough, the colours change, and the cracks begin to show

and although I tried to be the one, to catch you when you fall,

I wish that I had stayed looking at you,

from across the room

BRIDGE:

if you hadn't moved more than one step in my direction,

I might still be wishing I were in that gallery with you

but now I'm glad not to be in anyone's collection

because I've learned that I'm not shatterproof

you were like a painting that looks so good from across the room

but up close and over time, you were not beautiful at all

soon enough, your colours changed and the cracks began to show

and even though I wanted to be the one to hold you after all

CHORUS:

you were like a painting that looks so good from across the room

but up close and over time, is not beautiful at all

soon enough, the colours change and the cracks begin to show

and although I tried to be the one to catch you when you fall

I wish that I had stayed looking at you,

from across the room

I wish that I had stayed looking at you,

from across the room

I think that maybe we were perfect for a tiny little while,

but now I can't remember when that could have been...

Just now, as I was typing it, I got a distinctly Dorian Gray vibe from it, which I don't really think I had before.  But I still like it.  I finished it around 28 February, so that's a positive sign, that I still like it.  Usually I go back and crinkle my nose at some of the bizarre crap stuff I've written (mostly when I go back and re-read early early posts from this blog - which, I confess, is not something I do all that often).  And it doesn't have to be lyrical; some of the prose I've written over the years has been equally cringe-worthy.  But we grow, right?

The bridge took me the longest to come up with (I think I had about seven different drafts before I picked one to refine).  I like how it continues the theme of the painting/gallery, especially in that part of the song.  Unless you think it's too much?  And part of the chorus is an homage to my favourite musical, Chess.  Oh, and I recently (as in, today) learned that the lyricist of the show actually also wrote my favourite Bond song!  So I picked it well.

Much love,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

And I know, I know, sticklers out there might be maligning the fact that I altered my usual signature ("much love, and thank you for the musik") - actually, I don't think people read this blog to actually notice stuff like that, but anyway - and might be wondering why.  It's because I wanted to thank someone specific for the musik this time around.  I came thisclose to fainting when I heard the news, at about half-past midnight central time, that Cory Monteith had died.  (I went on Twitter one last time before going to bed, to check whether Baby Cambridge had been born yet, and got an entirely different news flash.  After which I could not fall asleep.)  And I've spent much time since then bawling my eyes out.  I'm not entirely sure why, but it's completely surreal (see above) and I will never forget the almost-passing-out feeling that accompanied my knowledge of the loss (and, yes, I am writing a song about this).  So tonight, I want to thank him for the musik, for playing Finn Hudson - the only character I consistently liked, even during the godawful season 4 - on Glee.  Cory, thank you for the musik, the joy, the beauty you brought to life just with your presence.  You are so missed.

The sun will still shine tomorrow, so it's time for movin' on / there's not a second for sorrow, even though the moment's gone...

I will not be entertaining any comments on the irrationality of my grief, or on the hypocrisy of admiring a man who ended up dying of a heroin/alcohol overdose.  Something about the whole thing still keeps making my head spin.

Longest Goodbye

Thank you to Yalina for her comment!  It made me smile, so thank you for the words of encouragement.

This song is kind of the flipside of "Touch You (Electricity)."  It's the moment you realise you can't just have a relationship based on physical attraction, and it's hard to stay but it's equally hard to say it's over.   And so you keep wanting to drag it out, because you don't ever want to get where you know you have to.

And I guess this song is sort of an homage to that bittersweet moment, the one where it dawns on you that the time for goodbye is now, and not tomorrow - even though you knew it was coming, it still manages to sneak up on you in a sad, sudden, unexpected way.  Maybe you'll read it, and see it in a sort of "friends with benefits" situation - where both parties happen to develop feelings beyond that deal, and for that reason have to part ways, and to end that situation.  But I feel like only seeing that in the song is selling it very, very short (but that, of course, is just me, because I see a great depth in that, and because I wrote it, obviously!).

It's also kind of a study on time, and on that moment in As You Like It, where Orlando and Rosalind are talking about how time, although technically the same pace for everyone all the time, varies in speed for different people at different times (like Einstein's Theory of Relativity, only way before that and written so much more eloquently).  And because both parties - back to the song again, sorry for any whiplash - are unwilling to reach that final moment, it feels like the longest farewell ever.  Of course, I wasn't thinking about Shakespeare or Einstein when I was writing it, but it seemed a good addition to my introduction to the song.

I don't know if you'll see all of that in the song, but it's there if you look (maybe).

Longest Goodbye

awakened by the rising sun, we were twisted in the sheets
the last morning was dawning, for you and me
we swore to each other early on that we wouldn't fall in love
then we both learned that running is never enough
and though I've kept that promise from the very first day
I realised that I've memorised every curve of your face

CHORUS:
this has to be the longest two people have ever said goodbye
it might take all day, or we might need another night
I know we can't stay, but I really hate to leave your side
as we both try to pretend that we still have some pride
neither of us wants to be the first to say the words tonight,
so we're just dragging our feet through this longest goodbye

I watch you stare at the ceiling, breathing out and in
both of us just tasting the final moments
in a few days, I'll be pretending that I didn't really know you
and you won't even be jealous if you see me with someone knew
maybe knowing you was always going to be bad,
but please forgive me now if I'm feeling just a little sad

CHORUS:
this has to be the longest two people have ever said goodbye
it might take all day, or we might need another night
you know we can't stay, but I really hate to leave your side
as we both try to pretend that we still have some pride
neither of us wants to be the first to say the words tonight
so we're just dragging our feet through this longest goodbye

(instrumental)

neither of us wants to be the first to say the words tonight
so we're just dragging our hearts through this longest goodbye

so I touch your face, one last time
this was real, this is goodbye...

There's no bridge here, just the instrumental, because I feel like there's no let-up in this kind of a situation: you can't change what you know has to come, so why change the flow of the song, when you have to reach the end anyway?

Much love, and thank you for the musik!

Just Another Ordinary Girl

I wanna be the only weakness that you want / so light me up, and burn me down / I wanna be your bad habit, a bad habit that's too hard to break...

Touch You (Electricity)

So I've been having a really great week.  And I very much want you to read that sentence in an inner voice that is dripping with sarcasm.  The end result of a difficult few days is hands riddled with paper cuts, palms scraped and knees skinned to the bone, and a spirit severely bruised by the loss of a dream.  (And all that on top of a pulled groin I suffered last week, while running interference between my cat and the really evil one next door.)  No, I'm not five years old, but the large band-aids on my knees almost make me feel that way.

Hopefully this song will prove I'm not.

But first, I want to say that I'm being helped during this new return to my blog by the fact that I have a very dear friend who seemed sad to see me leave it in the first place, so I ended up emailing songs as I was finishing them to my friend.  And now I have a wonderful collection of emails and songs and explanations of those songs from which to feed these posts.  I'm very grateful for that, because cutting and pasting saves some time.

In the email which included this song I called it one of the most unusual songs I've ever written - in the sense that maybe I shouldn't have written it.  I don't really know what I'm talking about here, but sometimes my imagination is bulletproof and that helps me to write.  If I didn't have such an imagination, I wouldn't be half of who I actually am.

And I have mentioned this song to you before, describing it as "that insane, overwhelming, inexplicable physical attraction to someone."  And that's what it is: it's not cerebral, it's not deep, or profound, or anything.  My focus was about it being sensual, almost visceral.  It's physical attraction, not mental or anything more significant than that.  And I think there's something to be said about having written this as a duet; it makes it just a touch more sexy.

One of the songs I think maybe informed this one was "Run," a collaboration between Matt Nathanson and Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland.  I love love love this song.  It is stunning.  So what if he's kind of creepy?  The song is exquisite, and I really am all but completely obsessed with it: the "(oh, oh, oh) I'm amazing, (oh, oh, oh) when you're beside me, (oh, oh, oh) I'm so much more" bridge part always gives me chills, no matter how many times I've heard it.  Chills.

Let me explain a little bit of my writing process with this one.  I don't know why, but I feel like I have to defend it (because I'm always really nervous about this one), so please bear with me.  (Or, if not, please feel free to skip this next passage and go straight to the song.)

My tendency, when I write, is to overthink things.  Like, way overthink things.  I've been known to write pages about how exactly this phrase should sound, which word would sound better, and why it's not this other word (especially with "Lament for Lokomotiv"), and/or about exactly the way I want the song to progress.  With this, I really had to control myself, and consciously stop myself when it got way too mental, and started straying from the original point of the song.  I crossed out lines that reflected, as I wrote, "too much thought - this is a FEEL song, not a PENSIVE one!"

And the way I got to writing this song in the first place is bizarre, really, if I'm being honest.  In my notebook, where I transcribe all of the final versions, ideally, of my songs, I have written that I began writing this song 5 November 2012 - a Monday.  This was the Monday after Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy - and my first day going back to classes since the storms and floods and everything, and having had the entire previous week off.  I had to find new creative ways to get to class, since my usual modes of transportation were not working, or running.  And so it was that I found myself on a train, one I had never previously been on, as the sky grew darker around us.  Is this necessarily important?  No, I just remember it.  And it's kind of a stark contrast to the contents of the song, which is amusing.  Anyway, so there I was, sitting next to an older businessman, proper in attire and bearing, with papers strewn about on the pull-down table in front of him.  I'm always afraid of being misrepresented, and as a girl, I'm always afraid that older/male people are going to think I'm flighty and shallow (and I don't think I am).  So, to counter his seriousness, I pulled out my aforementioned school assignment pad/planner/thing, and started writing some words I had been mulling over previously.  Next thing I knew, I had filled up the page, front and back, and the song was basically done.

Anyway.  I think by now you know far too much about this to even want to read the song.  I just always feel like I have to over-explain things, as sort of an unspoken apology.  I don't know why.  But, really, so much of what I say on a daily basis is an apology by any other name.

Oh, well.  Let me just get to the song already.

Touch You (Electricity)

f:
I like being this close to you
and feeling this moment on my lips
a breath away from changing the rules
with your heart at my fingertips
your blue eyes shining in the dark,
and I'm about to drop my guard

CHORUS (both):
'cause I, I wanna touch you
I, I, I wanna touch you
and it feels like electricity
electricity, electricity, washing over me
so I, I wanna touch you

m:
I like when we're alone like this,
nothing else but you and me
and I could swear you're made of magic
because you are exactly what I need
f:
your blue eyes shining through the dark
causing this crazy racing of my heart


CHORUS (both):
'cause I, I wanna touch you
I, I, I wanna touch you
and it feels like electricity
electricity, electricity, washing over me
so I, I wanna touch you

BRIDGE (f):
your blue eyes lighting up the night,
we're burning, smoldering, glowing bright

(beat)

(both):
(I, I, I) electricity
(I, I, I) electricity, electricity
I, I wanna touch you (electricity, electricity)
(I, I, I) electricity
(I, I, I) electricity, electricity
I, I wanna touch you (electricity, electricity)

et cetera until fade out...

My apologies if the word "electricity" has ceased to look like a word by now.  Also, "f/m" should alert you as to which person is singing - it is a duet, after all.  Which I'm sure you know, but I'm just overly making sure, as I do.

Anyway.

Much love, and thank you for the musik!

Just Another Ordinary Girl

So we lie here, in the dark, all the wrong things on fire....to be with you, just to be with you...

For As Long As I Live

I always love this time of year, because it's Wimbledon - my very favourite tennis Grand Slam.  And this year's tournament certainly seems to be a cracker.

But of course, y'all don't come around here to read about sports (although if you did, I would welcome that, too - I'm willing and able to talk most sports).  So, on to the music.

I am currently nursing a profound affection for the lyricism of Ed Sheeran.  (Let me know if that link works, because I am surreptitiously typing this up at work and YouTube is, of course, blocked - as are, let me gripe a little, all of the best websites, including Goodreads and ESPN 360, so I can't watch the tennis.  Tragic, I know.)  His music is extraordinary, but I think even more than that are his lyrics.  So, so lovely and beautiful and meaningful, yet mostly so simple.  It doesn't take much to take my breath away, I'll admit, but songs like "Wake Me Up" (again, I hope the link works) really get me.  See I could do without a tan / on my left hand / where my fourth finger meets my knuckle...  Of course "Lego House," probably his most famous song, is also wonderful, but it's the other ones that I love most.  And you will never know, just how beautiful you are to me.  And it's not country, by the way, even if he is currently on tour with Taylor Swift (who, of course, is increasingly non-country herself).

If you do nothing else today, watch the video for "Lego House," hopefully hyperlinked above and here.  It is brilliant.  Especially if you're a Harry Potter fan.

Now I'm going to admit something to you.  Ready?  I wrote this song on a legal pad and the night I finished it (before I transcribed it into my song notebook), I slept with the pad under my pillow.  There is so much of me in the song that I hated to be parted from it so soon - but I was always that kid who slept with her notes under the pillow the night before a big test, so I guess that's also where that came from.

I guess it was also symbolic that night that I wrote it on a legal pad (even though I usually do), because it was the night that we celebrated my sister passing the Bar Exam (capitals necessary, for the test is a beast) and becoming, officially, a lawyer - or solicitor, if you will.  We were walking home from having drinks and appetizers from the restaurant where my mother works as a chef and I let my dad and my sister (the two Esquires in the family) go on a little ahead while I lingered behind, just as my thoughts kept lingering upon a few phrases and lines, lines that then morphed into the pre-chorus and the bridge.

I would say it was a song that happened by accident, but I actually think that's the case with everything I write.

Also, there's kind of a sanctity about the song, I feel.  It's a promise, and a whispered bargain that almost takes the shape of vows.

And here it is.

For As Long As I Live

I know that it would take some kind of miracle for you to notice me
because you are one of a kind and I am nobody special
and getting you to somehow fall in love with me
will take nothing short of divine intervention

PRE-CHORUS
I'll be the first to admit it,
I know I'm not the prettiest
but there's one thing I can do
and that is to promise you
oh, I promise you

CHORUS:
that I...I can love you better, than anyone else in the world
and you...you won't ever have to turn to more than one girl
I won't ever upstage you,
I won't try too hard to change you
and I won't ever ask for anything more than you can give
because given the chance I will love you with all of my heart,
for as long as I live

and I know that you might think that with these words I'm just playing pretend
because you have no way of knowing everything I am inside
but I'm certain I can convince you I mean them
if you let me have just a minute of your time

PRE-CHORUS:
I'll be the first to admit it,
I know I'm not the prettiest
but there's one thing I can do
and that is to promise you
oh, I promise you

CHORUS:
that I...I can love you better, than anyone else in the world
and you...you won't ever have to turn to more than one girl
I won't ever upstage you,
I won't try too hard to change you
and I won't ever ask for anything more than you can give
because given the change I will love you with all of my heart,
for as long as I live

BRIDGE:
last night I had a dream that you were dreaming of me
one day that won't anymore be just a fantasy
and I will be ready
I hope you'll see me, standing out from the rest of the pack
of all the girls with the same colour hair as I used to have
before I dyed it black

PRE-CHORUS:
and I'll be the first to admit it,
I know that I'm not the prettiest
but there's one thing I can do
and that is to promise you
oh, I promise you, promise you

CHORUS:
that I...I can love you better, than anyone else in the world
and you...you won't ever have to turn to more than one girl
I won't ever upstage you,
I won't try too hard to change you
and I won't ever ask for anything more than you can give
because given the chance I will love you with all of my heart,
for as long as I live

oh, I will love you as much as your mother did,
for as long as I live...

The last lines of the chorus: "and I won't ever ask for anything more than you can give / because given the chance..." really get me, because it's like asking for nothing more than just a chance.  And beyond that, she won't ever ask for anything more.  It's really kind of poignant, and moving.  At least to me.  Also, the "I will love you..." makes it all so much more concrete, using present tense and not the conditional "I can love you" that did appear in an early draft before I vetoed it.  Like, the whole difference between American vows ("I do") and those in England ("I will").  Which I didn't even realise at the time, but is ever so fitting for this song.

Also, you should know that the "I...I" and "you...you" is indicative of a meandering "I" and "you," musically.  As in, it's not just the word and then quick, move onto the next one.  It ambles, in legato, through various notes before it continues on to the next word in the line.  You know what I mean?

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

Oh, almost forgot:

So dim that spotlight, tell me things like, "I can't take my eyes off of you" / I'm no one special, just another wide-eyed girl, who's desperately in love with you.

And because I did actually forget and posted this earlier, I'll leave you with another one, courtesy of the aforementioned Ed Sheeran:

I've fallen for your eyes, but they don't know me yet.

Soon

Oh, hello.

Still here, are you?  Me, too.

I can't stay away, apparently.  Try as I might.

This is me, sheepishly testing the virtual waters of the blogosphere once more, after having made such a grand to-do about leaving six months ago.  But it seems as though I just can't quit you.  No matter if I'm alone out here.

Tell me, if a blog is posted online, and no one reads it, do the words included therein still matter?

I don't know.  Probably not.  But I think we're all just trying to be heard, to be understood as something more than what we appear to be, and so that's all I'm trying to do here, too. 

And maybe that's ridiculous, and maybe it's foolish.

But come on - this is me we're talking about.  Me, with my life that has been, up to now, an endless string of folly and contradiction.  But I think perhaps it has been these precise mesmerising follies that have prepared me for all of the paradoxes - mysterious and bizarre though they are - that make up the person I am.

I am the daughter of two immigrants to a new country - destined never to belong anywhere but where my heart decides to stay (and, apparently, Hogwarts doesn't count), and even then never quite fitting in or being accepted.  I am the younger sister of a brilliant mind - destined to follow footsteps and court comparison even as I try to forge my own way, both eager and frightened to do so.  I am the single creative product of a family of doctors and lawyers and businessmen - destined never to be wholly understood yet not thoroughly ostracised either, a limbo both necessary and unwelcome.  I am the girl whose dreams have never been deemed to be big enough, but who then isn't quite big enough for them, either.  I am the youngest child of parents who had two daughters - not anything they hadn't seen before, and forever saddled with the inexplicable guilt at not having been born a boy.

I am the girl who dances on the subway, or to the rhythm of a photocopier, and doesn't care who sees - but whose every step has been dogged with insecurity and a crippling self-consciousness.  I am profoundly lonely, but too afraid of being an imposition on someone to reach out to them.  I apologise too much, mostly because I am too shy to say much of anything else, and mostly because I imbue those words with meaning far beyond "I'm sorry."  I love flying in an airplane, but I hate leaving things, or people, behind - and I constantly travel with the idea that I have forgotten something.  I have experienced little, but imagined much - it is because I have been blessed with such an extreme, vivid imagination that I can consider myself to have lived, without ever having gone beyond the bubble wrap of over-protection.  I want little, and I expect even less - but I am always sensitive to the sensibilities of others, most times to the detriment of my own.

I fall in love the way they do in fairy tales (quickly, without reservations, and with "happily ever after" in mind), because I kind of think everyone would like to - and therefore think everyone will.  But I have also fallen in love with a boy who didn't care at all about me - and am still trying to explain why I was hoping he would remember my birthday (of course he didn't).  More recently, I have fallen in love with a man who doesn't really know me, but with whom, I like to imagine, I would make a great team, bringing much good into the world and making him happy, the way he deserves to be.

One of the greater ironies of my life is that I want nothing more than to be a mother, and if I became a wife today and a mother tomorrow I should like nothing better, but I have also (how does the Band Perry put it?) "never known the lovin' of a man" - the only one of my friends (small though that circle may be) to be that way.  Yes, I am naive - but not nearly as much as I let on...

And I've also been fortunate not to be blessed with the desire to be exceptional.  I don't sing (or if I do, it's in the shower and not particularly well), but I write songs.  I'm not really pretty, but I also don't wear make-up to "make up" for that fact (ha, ha, I know).  I like to bake, and to sew, and was probably born in the wrong century - seeing as I don't understand the world I am living in (and my sympathies rest with vestiges of bygone eras).  I am far too much a people-pleaser to ever be considered interesting - whether as party to conversation or as the topic of conversation.  I am quite content to assist others to shine, and rarely do I get jealous.  And if I ever do touch greatness, in any small way, it will decidedly be quite by accident.

So, with all of this in mind, you can see that I am mostly a paradox.

...I figured that, since I'm committing myself to re-entering the blogosphere (I do like that word), I would re-introduce myself as well.  It has been six years since I began posting, and who I am has changed over the course of them.

And I wonder if you've even read this far down in the post.  That must be the most space I've ever taken up in talking about myself on this blog.  I beg your forgiveness - and will now proceed.

To the song.

I will soon try to recreate the songs I've written in the past six months chronologically, as I ended up doing last summer (almost a year ago), but now I want to post one that is one of the newer ones.  It's not the most remarkable, I suppose, but it also does have some interesting moments.  My explanation beforehand will be rather sparse, I'm afraid, because it's all there in the song.  It's kind of about the apprehension and the nerves about seeing someone again, after breaking up, and it's about the butterflies that can be born from the "not knowing" what's going to happen during the meeting - butterflies that can be either nerves, or excitement, or dread.  And you can never exactly tell which.

Soon

when you called to tell me you're in town, and want to meet up, I half-expected you to say "just kidding"
but I've been feeling the same way, and I want to see you too, so I'm sure glad you didn't
still I'm wracking my brain, trying to figure out
how we're gonna find something to talk about
because I keep going back and forth between looking forward to seeing you, and completely dreading it

CHORUS:
if I knew what I wanted to say to you tomorrow,
I'd be asleep by now
if I knew what I wanted to hear from you, too,
I wouldn't still be awake
but I don't,
so I'm here,
tired and hopeless and lonely
and I'm still
thinking 'bout
just one thing only:
I get to see you
soon

now I'm not sure what I should wear, so that you think I'm over you, but that you still think I'm pretty
and I'm practising lines and things that should make you laugh, so that you still think I'm witty
still I don't really know what tomorrow has in store
so I'm trying to mix being me with having once been yours
and I don't have to tell you how strange it feels, because that's the way it never used to be

CHORUS:
if I knew what I wanted to say to you tomorrow,
I'd be asleep by now
if I knew what I wanted to hear from you, too,
I wouldn't still be awake
but I don't,
so I'm here,
tired and hopeless and lonely
and I'm still
thinking 'bout
just one thing only:
I get to see you
soon

(instrumental break)

when you called to tell me you're in town and want to meet up,
I half-expected you to say "just kidding"

(beat)

CHORUS:
if I knew what I wanted to say to you tomorrow,
I'd be asleep by now
if I knew what I wanted to hear from you, too,
I wouldn't still be awake
but I don't,
so I'm here,
tired and hopeless and lonely
and I'm still
thinking 'bout
just one thing only:
I get to see you
soon
I get to see you
soon

soon, soon, soon, soon
soon, soon, soon, soon
(etc. until fade out)

I broke up the chorus that much because of the way it formed in my head: kind of choppy and stream-of-consciousness.  Also, I know the rhyme of "pretty" and "witty" made even Leonard Bernstein cringe once, but hey - I'm no Leonard Bernstein.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

Tonight your memory, it burns like a fire / with every one it grows higher and higher...

I was playing back a thousand memories, baby, thinking 'bout everything we've been through / maybe I've been going back too much lately, to when time stood still and I had you.

One More Time

There's an element of the cleverness of having "Begin Again" be the final track on Red to calling my very last post "One More Time."  At least, that's how it seems to me.

Of course, once I announced that I would be taking my leave from this blog in the postscript to the previous entry, it's been like the floodgates have opened inside my mind, and my pen-wielding hand could barely keep up.  So typical.  In any case, the possible candidates to be featured in this last post were (in no particular order): "Touch You (Electricity)," which is about that insane, overwhelming, inexplicable physical attraction to someone* - written as a duet; "One Moment at a Time," a really cool retrospective look at a relationship, from the beginning through the various stages of development, and then to "coffee, old times' sake / go our separate ways"; "How it Feels (A Stone, Personified)," a really intense breakup song that includes one of my very favourite lines that I've ever written, "but I go off in my car, just to park somewhere and cry"; "Last Minute of My Life," written on Election Day for a boy to whom I gave my heart on that day four years ago, and who last summer said he owed me something and I was a fool for believing him; and "Picking Daisies," in a pseudo-tribute to the victims of the Newtown, CT/Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy.

I think maybe I'm best at eloquence when it comes to sadness.

"Last Minute of My Life" would probably have been a more fitting end to this blog, seeing as it's basically been a chronicle of the farce that was our whole relationship that wasn't, our friendship that couldn't, no matter how either one of us tried.  But I'm over it.  The whole point of that song is that I am not wasting another fraction of my time on dwelling (maybe the things-that-might've-been really are the ones that are the hardest to escape) so that's what I'll do.  I'm rising above, and going out with this song instead.  Which, you know, is really cheerful and all.

Except not.  I was writing it during my Intro to Accounting class (gripping), after having it sort of germinate in my mind night and day for a few weeks, and I actually started crying right there in the middle of it, at my desk.  Had anyone noticed, I'm sure it would have been awkward.  It's not the first time I've cried while writing a song (also, not the first time I've cried during class) - and I don't know if it's the saddest song I've ever written - but it affected me more than any other before.

This post was typed a few weeks ago, but I was waiting to put it up.  But I have to say, even reading the song back now reaffirms to me that it's a good one.  Heart-wrenching, I think, but good.

One More Time

all the places where you once stood
still have a certain magic
I only have to look around a room,
to see you there inside it
because the truth is, I miss you dearly,
with every breath I take
so pretending that you're here with me
is my favourite part of the day

CHORUS:
I close my eyes, and there we are,
together again
I'm breathing you, feeling your heart,
and holding your hand
and you're not just a shadow, floating across my mind
and I get to say, "I love you," one more time

I have a hard time believing
you'd want me to find someone else,
but I find myself not leaving
when he asks me about myself
and as much as he must hate it,
I can't deny it's true
that when I'm lying next to him,
I make believe it's you

CHORUS:
I close my eyes, and there we are,
together again
I'm breathing you, feeling your heart,
and holding your hand
and you're not just a memory, living on in my mind
and I get to say, "I love you," one more time

BRIDGE:
I've wished a million times it had been me,
that day in that car
then you would have lived and the last thing I'd have known
was being in your arms
and it wouldn't be me, missing you this much,
wishing I, wishing I could just give up

2nd CHORUS:
you'd close your eyes, and there we'd be,
together again
you'd breathe me in, feel my heart beat,
and you would hold my hand
I wouldn't be just a memory, living on in your mind
and we'd get to say, "I love you," one more time
you get to say, "I love you," one more time

but I close my eyes, and there we are,
together again
I'm breathing you, feeling your heart,
and holding your hand
and you're not just a memory, living on in my mind
and I get to say, "I love you," one more time, one more time

the truth is, I miss you dearly,
with every breath I take,
and pretending that you're here with me,
is my favourite part of the day,
because you get to hear "I love you," one more time...

Raise your hands: how many thought it was just about a break-up?  That bridge got me.  And continues to get me, every time.  Also, remember when I said that someone had suggested I try shifting choruses, just changing it a little bit, so that by the end it comes to mean something else?  Again, this isn't entirely that, I think, but the second chorus there is also powerful, changing the perspective and pronouns - it seemed to me like a punch in the stomach.  I don't know.  Maybe you won't have that same reaction, and that's okay, too, of course.

And with that, this experiment is over.  The first post, aptly titled "First Post (I know, how original)," was 15 July 2008, and the last is this, on 29 December 2012, travelling from a black-background-pink-text layout - which I much, much preferred - to this blue-and-grey colour scheme.  Thank you for reading, if you have been - whether you're a serial visitor, or just merely stumbled upon it once.  I shake you warmly by the hand.  Bonus points if you know from what book that is.

So.  For the last time:

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

*such as I have to the occupant of the #2 spot on my (very international) list of the most attractive men in the world.  The things I would do to him, things of which I've always been terrified...

We ride, side by side - a cloud of dust, a ray of light.

Oh, why do I reach for the stars, when I don't have wings to carry me that far?

And, finally, I leave you with the inspiring, immortal words of ABBA,

I'm nothing special, in fact, I'm a bit of a bore / if I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before....and I've often wondered how did it all start / who found out that nothing can capture a heart, like a melody can? / well, whoever it was, I'm a fan / so I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing / thanks for all the joy they're bringing / who can live without it, I ask in all honesty / what would life be? / without a song or a dance, what are we? / so I say thank you for the music - for giving it to me...