I originally intended to post this yesterday, as I was writing up the draft earlier this week. I'm keeping the original text, below, even though it is now another day.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
As it is the fourteenth of February, I feel it would be remiss of me if I were not to wish anyone reading this a very happy Valentine's Day.
At the same time, what the hell do I know about that? I have never had the pleasure(?) of being in love on Valentine's Day. But I do wish it for everyone else. At least I have my songs - some people well and truly have nothing. I cannot, for better or worse, say the same thing about myself.
But because it is that famed day of love, I thought I'd share with you this song. There are many things it's not - but loving is definitely not one of them. (Enjoy figuring out that double negative.) Also, complicated. In fact, it's really quite simple.
And I think part of it is that it's been difficult for me to write songs lately. I'm not sure why. But I would come up with a line here, or a chorus there, while never exactly being able to continue with the idea, even when I was otherwise quite pleased with it. So I have a plethora of little slips of paper all together in a folder that I just never could get around to (or could compel myself to pay attention to). This one, for example, I started 3 December, and finished only about two weeks ago - and only then because I thought it might help me if I concentrated on a single song, and I chose this one.
It's about someone with whom I don't stand a chance, but who still, whenever I see him, makes the thought, "My god, he's beautiful," run through my mind as though I were in a Taylor Swift song. And he knows I think he's wonderful (in fact, that seems to be my word of choice to describe him, as I have yet to use another) - and he enjoys it. A little too much.
So it was this that inspired me to write. And the song itself began as a poem, which I shall reproduce in full here (it's an unbelievably short poem):
Your face.
Two words on my lips:
Wonderful, and ridiculous.
That last, for me, and the other
is yours alone.
And that's it. It accurately presents the state of things. But it also serves as a jumping-off point for the full-length song, which I didn't think would actually manage to grow from something so small.
But it did. And even though falling for him was a mistake - and will never not be - I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. And the reason? Three guesses.
Because You're Wonderful
sometimes when I'm sleeping, you come to me and we dream all night, laughing
and then I'm surprised when I see you the next day and it didn't actually happen
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love the way you walk, with your black jacket on
and I love the way it smells, like cigarettes and gum
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
sometimes during the day, my eyes find your face and my heart skips a beat
and I hope no one notices in that moment how I'm struck by electricity
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
BRIDGE:
I could stand with you forever, you would only have to ask and I'd stay
and I would tell you that you're wonderful every day
'cause I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
more than anything
I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful,
because you're wonderful
oh-whoa, you're wonderful
(fade out)
As I said, it's quite simple. I imagine a very simple guitar line, with an explosive crescendo on the line "because you're wonderful," in each verse. But then again, I have no idea if it's a good one, because, as I've said, I have lost the ability to write songs (at least, it certainly feels that way). But it's everything I'm feeling now - which, true to form, has no easy explanation. But I suppose it's my way of honouring the good I see. I don't know, maybe it's stupid. I'm sure at least he would think I was a fool if he knew this song existed.
But whatever. I gave myself until yesterday (14 February) to pretend that being blissed out on him would have a happy ending - and today starts the getting-over-him process. But just for once - for ONCE - I would love to fall for someone without the exquisite agony of knowing that it's a lost cause. Not that it matters, now, anyway, as I have decided to put my heart away. For how long, I'm not sure. But at least for a substantial period of time, because I can't do this anymore.
If there's anybody out there, let me know any reactions to the song you might have.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
Stay beautiful, every little piece, love.
p.s. I should really find a new moniker. I think I've outgrown the angst of this one.
15 February 2014
22 January 2014
Good Night for Whiskey
Every January, I have this thing (call it neurosis, call it perfectionism, call it compulsion, call it spring cleaning) where I have to listen to all of the songs in my iTunes library. And every year, of course, it gets a bit more difficult because I obtain so many more new songs over the course of a year that my library gets more and more full. January is, in short, the month I go deaf. This year, I have 4994 songs over which to go deaf, and so far I'm a little over halfway through. I'm hoping to get it done before the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics, which is on 7 February. Fingers crossed!
Something I really like about this whole bizarre enterprise of mine is that, every year, I fall in love (again, or sometimes perhaps for the first time) with a different album, and it's almost as though I'm rediscovering it again. It's a very nice feeling.
But, of course, sometimes it isn't. Because I just...I feel too much, and it gets me into trouble.
And there's a line in this song that's at the heart of everything I've ever felt. Well, there are two lines that are particularly apt, but one is more fact, whereas the one I'm talking about is a poetic observation of a fundamental truth that is at the core of all of my heartache over the years. I'll let you know which one it is...after the song.
Good Night for Whiskey
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I'm betting he don't even miss me
and the makeup on my face feels like I'm trying too hard
to cover up the fact that I've got a forgotten heart
and I don't think I know how to smile anymore
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I've been drowning in a lifetime of lonely
and right now it feels like there ain't nothing else in store
than dying and crying and all the wrong sides of closed doors
and I don't think I want to make another start
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, chill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
but tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I need to forget these old foolish dreams
and hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear
whose worst mistake was taking too much time to stare
still I've never called anyone mine
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause it'll turn today into hist'ry
and I've made a fool of myself enough for a lifetime
just for being myself for a moment in time
and nothing about this is fair
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
BRIDGE:
but somehow I doubt I'll get over him like that
it might be easier to turn my heart cold and black
and my life could be a good life for whiskey
so I might get over how much he don't miss me
and burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I won't remember how much this night stings...
Oh, the irony. Goddamn the irony.
First things first: I realise it's not my best song. And it's not (really) meant to be. It's kind of wordy, and maybe a bit fuzzy, and it's perhaps a little too angst-y. But (a) I don't want to go back and rewrite it, because the melody (the one I hear and you can't, sorry) is really nice and the words fit to it nicely, and (b) the individual lines are what make it what it is, I think, because they're stronger than is the song as a whole.
As such, I won't analyse it too much. There's, actually, not too much to analyse. I threw it together, really, with lines that all made sense to me, because I've felt, and I feel them all.
The one line in this song that just kills me is hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear. And I should qualify that: it's fruitless hope that's the hardest thing, the hope you just know will never turn out to happen, because it only throws into sharper relief the loneliness of that lonely heart, and dashes its hopes of ever getting out of that. And I know the song isn't the perfect carrier for the line, but it settled into my heart like a truth that has been there for years but has never quite been named. Because that's what it is.
And it's a truth that makes me want to drink until I can't feel anything anymore. (But I don't drink, so I just feel, if not weather, the pain and write songs about it.) Hence, this song. It doesn't mean much, other than the song is the me I wish I weren't. The me I wish I didn't have to be.
Also, I think the chorus is addressing the whiskey. Those are all directives for the alcohol.
Something I really like about this whole bizarre enterprise of mine is that, every year, I fall in love (again, or sometimes perhaps for the first time) with a different album, and it's almost as though I'm rediscovering it again. It's a very nice feeling.
But, of course, sometimes it isn't. Because I just...I feel too much, and it gets me into trouble.
And there's a line in this song that's at the heart of everything I've ever felt. Well, there are two lines that are particularly apt, but one is more fact, whereas the one I'm talking about is a poetic observation of a fundamental truth that is at the core of all of my heartache over the years. I'll let you know which one it is...after the song.
Good Night for Whiskey
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I'm betting he don't even miss me
and the makeup on my face feels like I'm trying too hard
to cover up the fact that I've got a forgotten heart
and I don't think I know how to smile anymore
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I've been drowning in a lifetime of lonely
and right now it feels like there ain't nothing else in store
than dying and crying and all the wrong sides of closed doors
and I don't think I want to make another start
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, chill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
but tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I need to forget these old foolish dreams
and hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear
whose worst mistake was taking too much time to stare
still I've never called anyone mine
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause it'll turn today into hist'ry
and I've made a fool of myself enough for a lifetime
just for being myself for a moment in time
and nothing about this is fair
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
BRIDGE:
but somehow I doubt I'll get over him like that
it might be easier to turn my heart cold and black
and my life could be a good life for whiskey
so I might get over how much he don't miss me
and burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I won't remember how much this night stings...
Oh, the irony. Goddamn the irony.
First things first: I realise it's not my best song. And it's not (really) meant to be. It's kind of wordy, and maybe a bit fuzzy, and it's perhaps a little too angst-y. But (a) I don't want to go back and rewrite it, because the melody (the one I hear and you can't, sorry) is really nice and the words fit to it nicely, and (b) the individual lines are what make it what it is, I think, because they're stronger than is the song as a whole.
As such, I won't analyse it too much. There's, actually, not too much to analyse. I threw it together, really, with lines that all made sense to me, because I've felt, and I feel them all.
The one line in this song that just kills me is hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear. And I should qualify that: it's fruitless hope that's the hardest thing, the hope you just know will never turn out to happen, because it only throws into sharper relief the loneliness of that lonely heart, and dashes its hopes of ever getting out of that. And I know the song isn't the perfect carrier for the line, but it settled into my heart like a truth that has been there for years but has never quite been named. Because that's what it is.
And it's a truth that makes me want to drink until I can't feel anything anymore. (But I don't drink, so I just feel, if not weather, the pain and write songs about it.) Hence, this song. It doesn't mean much, other than the song is the me I wish I weren't. The me I wish I didn't have to be.
Also, I think the chorus is addressing the whiskey. Those are all directives for the alcohol.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
Now I'm all messed up, wondering...whose life you're making worthwhile.
07 January 2014
Before My Eyes
Happy January to all of you lovely people.
Would you believe it if I told you that this is the 100th post on this blog? It seems sort of crazy, almost impossible. And yet...
Thank you for being along for the ride.
I thought this was a good song with which to begin a new year. It looks to the future, to the other years ahead, and pins hopes and dreams onto them. Which is kind of nice, and very thematically sensical with the time of year in which we are at this current moment.
The title is something I'm not sure about yet. So that doesn't have to remain the same.
The melody that kept resounding in my head as I wrote this one was some kind of bizarre, mellifluous mashup of "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift, and "Little Things" by One Direction (which is, surprisingly, a completely beautiful song, as it was actually written by the brilliant Ed Sheeran, and also, it's possible that there's a line in there about drinking tea before bed and talking in one's sleep that is completely about me).
Before My Eyes
I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me, and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name, but I know I could love you
I can picture your face as you ask me to dinner
and I will say yes because I've only been waiting my whole life for that
you'll take me somewhere warm 'cause it's getting to be winter
and I'll spend all night trying to make you laugh
and we'll both be surprised when it's suddenly midnight
so you'll drive really slowly when you take me back home
you'll park your car and kiss me under the flick'ring streetlight
and I'll know in that moment that I won't anymore be alone
a few months later you'll take me to meet your family
I'll bring flowers for you mother, and a bottle of wine
your feet will touch mine under the table, and your dad'll love me
you'll come to my place around Christmastime
and my parents will find you as lovely as I do
because you can reach the top of the tree, they'll let you hang the star
my sister might ask some hard questions just to test you
but you'll handle them with grace 'cause that's just how you are
I'll wait for you to say "I love you" first
even though I will have felt that way for many more days
and when we make love, you'll be my only and my first
but we'll pretend to my parents we don't, 'cause I always swore I'd wait
it'll be a secret that makes us smile in public and giggle behind closed doors
and it'll only be a matter of course when you ask my dad for my hand
because he'll know you were made for me, and I was meant to be yours
so you'll take me back to this place, where it all began
where I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name but I know I could love you
I can picture a white dress as day turns to night
and you'll wear a tux for maybe the first time in your life
we'll have his and hers rings after we walk down the aisle
my name will be engraved in yours, and yours will be in mine
you'll be proud when I take your last name for my own
and over the next years, we'll help each other grow into ourselves
we'll turn this old house we bought into our perfect home
and celebrate with champagne the day we pay off our student debts
we'll have a boy who looks like you, and a girl who has my eyes
we'll decide that I will be the one to stay at home with them
and I'll watch you fall asleep as you read to them every night
it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined
some days you'll work too much overtime, and that will annoy me
then we'll really learn just why they say this life is so hard
and you'll hate that I'm like my dad and don't speak when I'm angry
there might be slamming doors but we'll never fall completely apart
we'll drop our babies off at college and I'll cry all the way home
but in the quiet evenings, I'll get the chance to rediscover you
and suddenly we'll be glad for the time we have together alone
everything between us will again be both comfortable and new
you'll be the reason I'm not afraid of things like time, and growing old
because I will get to experience everything with you
and when the end comes, yours will be the hand I get to hold
I will have loved you every day, from that first afternoon,
when I thought I saw my future flash before my eyes
when you walked past me and my life was never the same
these are the daydreams hiding behind my distant smile
in this moment, where I don't even know your last name... (end)
This song brings out so many emotions for me. I cried at least four times while writing it, typing it up just now made me cringe, and reading it over today is making me so sad. So sad, and it's not supposed to (so much has changed since I wrote it, in early November), which just makes it even more sad for me today.
But let's make this much clear: I'm no longer stupid enough to believe that this will actually happen. That's why I dream about it, and put it into songs like this. So, for at least a few minutes, it does become real for me, and I fall into this fantasy that shouldn't be so fantastical. And I guess this song was just me putting down on paper everything I once held in my heart.
But of course, as evidenced, the fantasies I have and create are very much grounded in reality - I really tried to keep this song from getting too fanciful. So I mention paying off student debts (all too real) and arguing (which happens, or so I'm told), because that's all part of the picture.
As much as it made me cringe just now, I did once like the line "it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined," because, of course, the whole thing is an imagined image, so it's a tongue-in-cheek perforation of the constructed image that the entire song is. As are the intro/modified intros peppered throughout. The verses are longe enough (or were supposed to be so) to actually make you forget that it's fake, and then it's a slight reminder of the present reality. And it's a variation on a frame tale narrative, in that way. I don't know if it works, but it was intended to.
Anyway.
Next song to be posted: "Good Night for Whiskey."
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another (very) Ordinary Girl
If ever I could love, I think it could be with you.
What you are is a daydream I'll never get to hold.
Would you believe it if I told you that this is the 100th post on this blog? It seems sort of crazy, almost impossible. And yet...
Thank you for being along for the ride.
I thought this was a good song with which to begin a new year. It looks to the future, to the other years ahead, and pins hopes and dreams onto them. Which is kind of nice, and very thematically sensical with the time of year in which we are at this current moment.
The title is something I'm not sure about yet. So that doesn't have to remain the same.
The melody that kept resounding in my head as I wrote this one was some kind of bizarre, mellifluous mashup of "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift, and "Little Things" by One Direction (which is, surprisingly, a completely beautiful song, as it was actually written by the brilliant Ed Sheeran, and also, it's possible that there's a line in there about drinking tea before bed and talking in one's sleep that is completely about me).
Before My Eyes
I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me, and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name, but I know I could love you
I can picture your face as you ask me to dinner
and I will say yes because I've only been waiting my whole life for that
you'll take me somewhere warm 'cause it's getting to be winter
and I'll spend all night trying to make you laugh
and we'll both be surprised when it's suddenly midnight
so you'll drive really slowly when you take me back home
you'll park your car and kiss me under the flick'ring streetlight
and I'll know in that moment that I won't anymore be alone
a few months later you'll take me to meet your family
I'll bring flowers for you mother, and a bottle of wine
your feet will touch mine under the table, and your dad'll love me
you'll come to my place around Christmastime
and my parents will find you as lovely as I do
because you can reach the top of the tree, they'll let you hang the star
my sister might ask some hard questions just to test you
but you'll handle them with grace 'cause that's just how you are
I'll wait for you to say "I love you" first
even though I will have felt that way for many more days
and when we make love, you'll be my only and my first
but we'll pretend to my parents we don't, 'cause I always swore I'd wait
it'll be a secret that makes us smile in public and giggle behind closed doors
and it'll only be a matter of course when you ask my dad for my hand
because he'll know you were made for me, and I was meant to be yours
so you'll take me back to this place, where it all began
where I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name but I know I could love you
I can picture a white dress as day turns to night
and you'll wear a tux for maybe the first time in your life
we'll have his and hers rings after we walk down the aisle
my name will be engraved in yours, and yours will be in mine
you'll be proud when I take your last name for my own
and over the next years, we'll help each other grow into ourselves
we'll turn this old house we bought into our perfect home
and celebrate with champagne the day we pay off our student debts
we'll have a boy who looks like you, and a girl who has my eyes
we'll decide that I will be the one to stay at home with them
and I'll watch you fall asleep as you read to them every night
it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined
some days you'll work too much overtime, and that will annoy me
then we'll really learn just why they say this life is so hard
and you'll hate that I'm like my dad and don't speak when I'm angry
there might be slamming doors but we'll never fall completely apart
we'll drop our babies off at college and I'll cry all the way home
but in the quiet evenings, I'll get the chance to rediscover you
and suddenly we'll be glad for the time we have together alone
everything between us will again be both comfortable and new
you'll be the reason I'm not afraid of things like time, and growing old
because I will get to experience everything with you
and when the end comes, yours will be the hand I get to hold
I will have loved you every day, from that first afternoon,
when I thought I saw my future flash before my eyes
when you walked past me and my life was never the same
these are the daydreams hiding behind my distant smile
in this moment, where I don't even know your last name... (end)
This song brings out so many emotions for me. I cried at least four times while writing it, typing it up just now made me cringe, and reading it over today is making me so sad. So sad, and it's not supposed to (so much has changed since I wrote it, in early November), which just makes it even more sad for me today.
But let's make this much clear: I'm no longer stupid enough to believe that this will actually happen. That's why I dream about it, and put it into songs like this. So, for at least a few minutes, it does become real for me, and I fall into this fantasy that shouldn't be so fantastical. And I guess this song was just me putting down on paper everything I once held in my heart.
But of course, as evidenced, the fantasies I have and create are very much grounded in reality - I really tried to keep this song from getting too fanciful. So I mention paying off student debts (all too real) and arguing (which happens, or so I'm told), because that's all part of the picture.
As much as it made me cringe just now, I did once like the line "it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined," because, of course, the whole thing is an imagined image, so it's a tongue-in-cheek perforation of the constructed image that the entire song is. As are the intro/modified intros peppered throughout. The verses are longe enough (or were supposed to be so) to actually make you forget that it's fake, and then it's a slight reminder of the present reality. And it's a variation on a frame tale narrative, in that way. I don't know if it works, but it was intended to.
Anyway.
Next song to be posted: "Good Night for Whiskey."
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another (very) Ordinary Girl
If ever I could love, I think it could be with you.
What you are is a daydream I'll never get to hold.
31 December 2013
The Only Thing
Does anyone out there have any New Year's Resolutions? Mine last year was simple - well, at least, simple to verbalise. It was, simply, to be happy for the majority of the 365 days.
Whether or not I was successful I will not say. I will, however, say that I'm aiming lower this year, with my resolution to brush my teeth daily before leaving the house.
But I am grateful for this year. Absolutely. It was one hell of a ride. And before I get too philosophical, let me just continue on.
And now, the song. It was born in Barbados - when we were in Barbados, that is. 14 August. See?
Whether or not I was successful I will not say. I will, however, say that I'm aiming lower this year, with my resolution to brush my teeth daily before leaving the house.
But I am grateful for this year. Absolutely. It was one hell of a ride. And before I get too philosophical, let me just continue on.
And now, the song. It was born in Barbados - when we were in Barbados, that is. 14 August. See?
The melody just popped into my head and I don't even know if the words fit the melody, or the music fit the words; it was just that seamless. The next day, we were riding around Saint Kitts in the back of one of those Caribbean taxis and I could not stop coming up with new rhymes, new images, new things to say in this song. My sister, at one point, was reading over my shoulder a little bit, and asked, "New song?" When I said yes, and told her the name, she riffed with it and made it a Caribbean-themed ditty: "the only thing I need is sunshine and a beach."
But, as you will see shortly, it is not that kind of song.
The Only Thing
there was a time you were my sunrise
my early morning sleepy eyes
my chocolate milk in the kitchen, 'cause I don't drink coffee
you used to be my holiday
my damn, you take my breath away
my that cloud up there looks just like you laughing at me
there was a time you were my fast car
my adventurous beating heart
my I'll go anywhere as long as you'll be there with me
you used to be my applause
my midday phone call just because
my this heart of mine is so full that I can't even speak
CHORUS:
but now, you're just a page in my diary
a bright and burning memory
the mascara running down my cheek
you're the alcohol I pour in my drink
a sleepless night spent remembering
'cause I let you become everything
and I relive it all the time
but the only thing you won't ever be again, is mine
there was a time you were my movie quotes
my just between us inside jokes
my let's stay sitting after dinner, slowly sipping tea
you used to be my slow dance
my inseparable hand-in-hand
my safe midnight arms to hold me 'til I fall back asleep
CHORUS:
but now, you're just a page in my diary
a bright and burning memory
the mascara running down my cheek
you're the alcohol I pour in my drink
a sleepless night spent remembering
'cause I let you become everything
and I relive it all the time
but the only thing you can't ever be again, is mine
BRIDGE:
the realisation comes crashing in, of how much we were
and just how much we lost when we lost each other
and I understand now, why and just how much it hurts
'cause we were always more than friends, never just lovers
so, please remember me as your sunrise
your across-the-table brown eyes
your skipping for no reason as we're walking down the street
remember me as your northern lights
your this is our song taking flight
your everything you are is all I'll ever need
because yours, is the only thing I ever wanted to be... (end)
I had a big huge, profound, in-depth analysis of the song written up, thinking that I needed it, that it needed something to accompany it - but having just re-read it, I think the song stands alone and needs nothing else. It is quite a lovely (albeit melancholy) way to bring the year to a close.
My next post (next year!) will be the 100th on this blog.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
p.s. Fingers crossed that Michael Schumacher, the Formula 1 legend himself, pulls through his skiing injury. I have been unable to think about anything else these past few days, and I am sick with worry about him. All my love and positive thoughts going to his hospital room in Grenoble.
Now I don't know what to be without you around / and we know it's never simple, never easy / never a clean break, no one here to save me / you're the only thing I know like the back of my hand / and I can't breathe without you, but I have to.
No One Else's Heartbreak
Seeing as today is the last day of the year 2013, I would like to wish anyone who is reading (and everyone else who isn't, as well) a very healthy and happy and wonderful new year. And I hope that everyone also celebrated the holidays in a loving, and joyous way.
I forgot to mention that in the previous post.
Here's another unusual song for me - but it's because of the writing style, not so much the structure (see: previous post).
So here's a song that is so fun, mostly because I completely made it up. There's nothing that makes sense with where I am now, really, and it's the first song in a while (or, ever, except for maybe "Zach Is Looking Hot Tonight") that doesn't really have a granule of truth that comes from something I've experienced, emotionally or otherwise, and I think that's what makes it so cool for me. Because that's just it - I don't need to have experienced these things to have come up with the song anyway. I just wrote it without having it pertain to me.
But that's also where the bridge/chorus thing comes into play, as being the most similar to my other songs, because it has the most of me in it. (And I say "bridge/chorus thing" because I originally conceptualised those lines as the bridge, with the song not having a repeating pseudo-chorus, but then I came up with "this ain't no one else's heartbreak, but mine," and I loved it so much and put it as the song title, too, that I couldn't help but want to repeat it.)
Anyway, otherwise, this song came quickly. I really didn't think about it too long, or work on it too hard (I know, I know). The idea came to me on a Monday evening in mid-October, between the first and second periods of a Devils game in Edmonton (against the Oilers); I remember so because I was standing in the kitchen, and as I was thinking up lines (the bridge actually came first, but it was followed closely by the "sages" line) I just knew it was going to be something good. I just didn't know it would come so quickly - by that Wednesday, I was done.
No One Else's Heartbreak
the girl who bagged my groceries gave me an extra chocolate bar
she winked and said, "there, that oughta help with your broken heart,"
and last night I got a phone call from my aunt Giselle
who told me it's high time I got under someone else
the man I sat next to on the bus said, "it's his loss,"
and my best friend who's never been in love thinks I'm better off
I don't remember asking their opinion, or maybe they're trying to be nice
but all the sages come out in a small town, when you don't want their advice
my cousin's boyfriend's roommate offered to beat you up for me
and asked if I need to borrow a bottle from his stash of whiskey
the woman who does my mama's hair's talked on and on and on
about how she always said that one day you'd be gone
the teachers I had all throughout school tell me, "it's his loss,"
and the neighbor who never much liked you thinks I'm better off
I don't remember asking their opinion, or maybe they're trying to be nice
but all the sages come out in a small town, when you don't want their advice
and they all make it sound so simple, just like walking away
but I can still remember the way you used to say my name
so I just smile, bite my lip, and say, "thank you, I'm fine,"
because this ain't no one else's heartbreak, but mine
your first ex came over because she thought I could use the company
she laughed and said, "don't worry, there's plenty other fish in the sea,"
and my great-aunt has already been trying to set me up
so I got a call from her best friend's favourite grandson
everyone I meet keeps telling me this is your loss
and people who never even knew you think I'm better off
I don't remember asking their opinion, or maybe they're trying to be nice
but all the sages come out in a small town, when you don't want their advice
and they all make it sound so simple, just like walking away
but I can still remember the way you used to say my name
so I just smile, bite my lip, and say, "thank you, I'm fine,"
because this ain't no one else's heartbreak, but mine
no, this ain't no one else's heartbreak, but mine...
So, yeah. There's that. I like the idea of the misguided assistance and advice from everyone who knows her (and a few people who don't), and how she just has to deal with it because people are never gonna change. I love the idea of "all the sages" in a small town, because there's such sarcasm in the way she says it. Like she's just humouring them - which, obviously, she is. But then there are those moments beyond that, moments where her actual hurt (and heart) is showing through - like how she can still remember how he used to say her name. And the fact that it's addressing him ("you") is almost conspiratorial, and confiding, and serves as juxtaposition to the lighthearted tone of the rest of it.
And that thing with her being able to remember how he said her name is something I came up with a few years ago. I won't go into detail, but I went to China in the summer of 2007 with People to People (it's a student ambassadors program that I may have already mentioned once upon a time on this blog) and about 35 other kids from the area. The girl with whom I was closest while on the trip, and I got to talking once and I was telling her about this guy I had seriously been crushing on at home who told me he was gay that January (yeah), and how I discovered that I was over him when I couldn't remember how he said my name. (This was a trick she later used to convince herself it was okay to hook up with a guy on the trip, that it wasn't cheating on her boyfriend back home because she couldn't remember how he said her name. ...No comment.)
Much love, happy New Year, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
I heard, from a friend of a friend of a friend, that you finally got rid of that girlfriend...whole town nearly hooped and hollered.
29 December 2013
For Good
I know it's been a while. And I've only just recently realised just how close we are to the end of the year, so I should probably get in my last three posts for the year (to get to 19 posts for 2013) before it ends and I can no longer do so.
And I'll just dive right in, shall I?
You will probably be able to tell immediately that the structure of this song is a little bit different; usually I end on a chorus, or something. But I also think it's cool to get away from the traditional form from time to time, and it doesn't hurt this song to be a little different.
This one is also a departure, thematically, from most of my others. It speaks to that moment when someone whose company you've been enjoying says to you, after a nice evening, "Oh, by the way, I'm deploying to Afghanistan (or wherever) next month." And suddenly you have to decide what your reaction to the situation is going to be. You're stripped of the illusion of a perfect world preoccupied only with simple, trivial, feel-good things, and things just absolutely get real. You have to make the decision of whether or not you're going to make the commitment to him, after only a few months of knowing him - which, I imagine, is a difficult situation. And it's like something dark and scary has creeped in between these two people, because being together got hard and serious and stressful and grown-up right when it should have been at its most carefree and fun and easy. But you don't want to let go of him and of what you've started, and you don't want to get in the middle of what he always wanted to do (and what would give him a sense of purpose and meaning), so you grow up on the spot and make the decision to stick with him, even thought that opens up a series of other fears and worries and what ifs. (I'd very much imagine.)
So the "for good" has a double meaning there.
As does the "leaving you behind," of course. (Or is it a triple meaning?) Slight connections to be made with that one, too.
It's written in the second person, to maintain a sort of bizarre surreality, because nothing about war feels real to the people staying home (and yet, simultaneously, it feels extremely real). There's a disconnect there. And it's especially hard to fathom when it's someone you love (or have begun to love) going away to a place you barely know anything about, to do something you never even wanted to think about. It challenges your whole perception of life, and what you expected from it. (I assume.)
And then there's the circuity, where it ends with a variation on the first little couplet of the opening verse. Which makes it come full circle, somewhat. Like life.
For better or worse. And,
For Good
it happens when you least expect it,
that reality comes knocking on the door
and the safe little world you've constructed
isn't unassailable anymore
it might come as a phone call,
or it might be something you already know
either way, there's nothing that can break the fall
when suddenly he's halfway across the globe
CHORUS:
next thing you're holding on, with everything you have
and he's getting on the plane, and he's not looking back
you won't stop him from doing, what he always said he would
but what if it means he's leaving you behind for good
you find you've aged too much, much too fast
and you forget about forever
because this may be the only chance you'll have
for you to grow old together
BRIDGE:
oh, nothing has changed yet,
but everything feels different already
and the place he carved for you with his own two hands
suddenly feels empty
CHORUS:
next thing you're holding on, with everything you have
and he's getting on the plane, and he's not looking back
you won't stop him from doing, what he always said he would
but what if it means he's leaving you behind for good
so you hold on to what makes you strong
just as you decide to hold back your tears
and things could change once again, before too long
you can't stop these days from passing into years
still you're scared behind your smiles
where your heartbeat was easy before
'cause you didn't expect to be blindsided
when reality came knocking on the door
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
And I'm lonely for the way I was.
Oh, she just couldn't believe it, she heard the trumpets from the military band / and the flowers fell out of her hand / baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go / I was counting on forever, now I'll never know / I can't even breathe / it's like I'm looking from a distance, standing in the background...
And I'll just dive right in, shall I?
You will probably be able to tell immediately that the structure of this song is a little bit different; usually I end on a chorus, or something. But I also think it's cool to get away from the traditional form from time to time, and it doesn't hurt this song to be a little different.
This one is also a departure, thematically, from most of my others. It speaks to that moment when someone whose company you've been enjoying says to you, after a nice evening, "Oh, by the way, I'm deploying to Afghanistan (or wherever) next month." And suddenly you have to decide what your reaction to the situation is going to be. You're stripped of the illusion of a perfect world preoccupied only with simple, trivial, feel-good things, and things just absolutely get real. You have to make the decision of whether or not you're going to make the commitment to him, after only a few months of knowing him - which, I imagine, is a difficult situation. And it's like something dark and scary has creeped in between these two people, because being together got hard and serious and stressful and grown-up right when it should have been at its most carefree and fun and easy. But you don't want to let go of him and of what you've started, and you don't want to get in the middle of what he always wanted to do (and what would give him a sense of purpose and meaning), so you grow up on the spot and make the decision to stick with him, even thought that opens up a series of other fears and worries and what ifs. (I'd very much imagine.)
So the "for good" has a double meaning there.
As does the "leaving you behind," of course. (Or is it a triple meaning?) Slight connections to be made with that one, too.
It's written in the second person, to maintain a sort of bizarre surreality, because nothing about war feels real to the people staying home (and yet, simultaneously, it feels extremely real). There's a disconnect there. And it's especially hard to fathom when it's someone you love (or have begun to love) going away to a place you barely know anything about, to do something you never even wanted to think about. It challenges your whole perception of life, and what you expected from it. (I assume.)
And then there's the circuity, where it ends with a variation on the first little couplet of the opening verse. Which makes it come full circle, somewhat. Like life.
For better or worse. And,
For Good
it happens when you least expect it,
that reality comes knocking on the door
and the safe little world you've constructed
isn't unassailable anymore
it might come as a phone call,
or it might be something you already know
either way, there's nothing that can break the fall
when suddenly he's halfway across the globe
CHORUS:
next thing you're holding on, with everything you have
and he's getting on the plane, and he's not looking back
you won't stop him from doing, what he always said he would
but what if it means he's leaving you behind for good
you find you've aged too much, much too fast
and you forget about forever
because this may be the only chance you'll have
for you to grow old together
BRIDGE:
oh, nothing has changed yet,
but everything feels different already
and the place he carved for you with his own two hands
suddenly feels empty
CHORUS:
next thing you're holding on, with everything you have
and he's getting on the plane, and he's not looking back
you won't stop him from doing, what he always said he would
but what if it means he's leaving you behind for good
so you hold on to what makes you strong
just as you decide to hold back your tears
and things could change once again, before too long
you can't stop these days from passing into years
still you're scared behind your smiles
where your heartbeat was easy before
'cause you didn't expect to be blindsided
when reality came knocking on the door
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
And I'm lonely for the way I was.
Oh, she just couldn't believe it, she heard the trumpets from the military band / and the flowers fell out of her hand / baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go / I was counting on forever, now I'll never know / I can't even breathe / it's like I'm looking from a distance, standing in the background...
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