Somehow, over the first few months of this year (2014), I have discovered that there is less and less that I want to say in introduction to the songs I am posting here.
(And yes, don't worry, I can hear your collective sighs of relief.)
And I'm not entirely sure why - I just know that I have curtailed my verbosity, which may just turn out to be the best thing. But I guess what I can say about this song is that it was born almost two months ago, when my closest friend was going through some difficulty (though he never told me quite what it was), and also when I was in the process of learning that even the most beautiful people have some of the ugliest secrets.
And in those cases, it is so hard to curb the impulse to shut people out.
I'm Not Running
you say that you're no stranger to darkness
you've been brought to your knees so much it's hard now for you to stand
and it might be easy to hide from this
but you say every hardship you've faced has made you into a man
PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now
CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay
you should know I'd go through it all with you
I'm not just another thing you need to be afraid will break
and if you ever don't know what to do
I'll always be here, wanting to help you try to find the right words to say
PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now
CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay
BRIDGE:
here, where no one else can hurt you
because I promise I never will want to
and if you ever do see me running,
I'll only be running, running toward you
PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now
in case you haven't noticed by now
(crescendo)
CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay
here, where no one else can hurt you,
because I promise I never will want to
and if you ever do see me running,
I'll only be running toward you
toward you...
It's been a while, I think, since I've done a song with a pre-chorus. Oh, how things change.
Even if sometimes, you wished they didn't.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
And no one knows that you cry, but you don't tell anyone that you might not be the golden one.
30 March 2014
24 March 2014
Razors
It is extremely difficult to sit all night next to someone who has your heart, and not reach out and touch him. This I learned last night. One day, I might just give up self-control and grab his hand.
But the song is not about that.
It's about as angry (and probably hurt) as I get.
Razors
Maybe it was me, and this is my fault
pretending you were wonderful and dancing right into your hands
but you never broke my fall
so you're the only reason this is how this ends
you've gotten rid of me, swept me aside like a pawn
well congratulations,
isn't that what you wanted all along?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions might speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
like razors
oh, they burn like razors
maybe one day, years from now,
I'll meet someone who is willing to love me somehow
and won't it be funny
when I break him, like you've broken me?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions might speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
like razors
oh, they burn like razors
BRIDGE:
I hope one day you can explain
why I don't have anything left to give away
'cause you cut it all out of me
until scars were all I could see
and I'm done chasing after flashes
(break)
well, congratulations,
isn't that what you wanted all along?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions may speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
oh-whoa, they both burn
they both burn like razors
like razors...
The bridge is intended to tie it all together. And I think it does.
Please let me know what you think, if there's anyone out there.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
Wrote a couple of notes - one in love, one in anger; they're lying there, dying, in the dresser drawer.
Did I plan, doing all of this for the love of a man? / Well, I let it happen anyhow / and what I'm feeling now / has no easy explanation, reason plays no part / heaven help my heart...
But the song is not about that.
It's about as angry (and probably hurt) as I get.
Razors
Maybe it was me, and this is my fault
pretending you were wonderful and dancing right into your hands
but you never broke my fall
so you're the only reason this is how this ends
you've gotten rid of me, swept me aside like a pawn
well congratulations,
isn't that what you wanted all along?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions might speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
like razors
oh, they burn like razors
maybe one day, years from now,
I'll meet someone who is willing to love me somehow
and won't it be funny
when I break him, like you've broken me?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions might speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
like razors
oh, they burn like razors
BRIDGE:
I hope one day you can explain
why I don't have anything left to give away
'cause you cut it all out of me
until scars were all I could see
and I'm done chasing after flashes
(break)
well, congratulations,
isn't that what you wanted all along?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions may speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
oh-whoa, they both burn
they both burn like razors
like razors...
The bridge is intended to tie it all together. And I think it does.
Please let me know what you think, if there's anyone out there.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
Wrote a couple of notes - one in love, one in anger; they're lying there, dying, in the dresser drawer.
Did I plan, doing all of this for the love of a man? / Well, I let it happen anyhow / and what I'm feeling now / has no easy explanation, reason plays no part / heaven help my heart...
19 February 2014
Valentine's Day
Now this would have been the song to post on Friday, the fourteenth.
Too bad I didn't actually think of it until Sunday. The sixteenth.
And I started writing it en route to a funeral. It was my next-door neighbor's, who had been very sick for many years, for as long as I had known her (about twenty years). And I was standing there, listening to her life's story being told, holding my dad's hand and wishing that there were a way he would never leave me. Of course, not two minutes later, he moved away, to go stand with my mom. Fair enough, I suppose.
On the way home, I was listening to Pure Heroine, Lorde's ridiculously amazing debut album, and composing this song of my own. Which has nothing to do with funerals or anything, just to be clear. But of course, almost as if on purpose, as I was coming up with the first verse (I had finished the chorus and the bridge by then), I got a text from the person who inspired it. And all I wanted was for the song to not even be necessary, but it was because this is reality and not something I can pretend isn't happening. And it goes back to what I was saying at the very end of the last post, about starting to get over him.
Or trying to, at least.
Valentine's Day
today I decided to learn just how to put away my heart
and you're on my list of things not to think about, tonight
I guess some battles are lost before they even start
it's sad, but I missed watching the sun going down, tonight
CHORUS:
now I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day
it feels like ages since I've smiled, going on fourteen hours
and I've been defeated by not even trying, tonight
the taste your name left on my tongue is turning sour
it's sad, but I think the butterflies I used to feel are dying, tonight
CHORUS:
and I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that used to shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day
BRIDGE:
there has to be something between giving up and holding out forever
but it's taking all I have just to hold myself together
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool
CHORUS:
so I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool
here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day...
Maybe it's just me, but I think it's powerfully sad, and I'm quite happy with it (as contradictory as it sounds).
I'm not going to analyse this song to death, but I like that it's mostly written in metaphor - like the turning off the lights part. And my favourite line is, "little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you / and I'm washing away the stars..." I came up with that part sitting in the passenger's seat of a car he was driving, along snow-covered back roads.
Well, that's it from me.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
We're so happy, even when we're smiling out of fear.
Too bad I didn't actually think of it until Sunday. The sixteenth.
And I started writing it en route to a funeral. It was my next-door neighbor's, who had been very sick for many years, for as long as I had known her (about twenty years). And I was standing there, listening to her life's story being told, holding my dad's hand and wishing that there were a way he would never leave me. Of course, not two minutes later, he moved away, to go stand with my mom. Fair enough, I suppose.
On the way home, I was listening to Pure Heroine, Lorde's ridiculously amazing debut album, and composing this song of my own. Which has nothing to do with funerals or anything, just to be clear. But of course, almost as if on purpose, as I was coming up with the first verse (I had finished the chorus and the bridge by then), I got a text from the person who inspired it. And all I wanted was for the song to not even be necessary, but it was because this is reality and not something I can pretend isn't happening. And it goes back to what I was saying at the very end of the last post, about starting to get over him.
Or trying to, at least.
Valentine's Day
today I decided to learn just how to put away my heart
and you're on my list of things not to think about, tonight
I guess some battles are lost before they even start
it's sad, but I missed watching the sun going down, tonight
CHORUS:
now I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day
it feels like ages since I've smiled, going on fourteen hours
and I've been defeated by not even trying, tonight
the taste your name left on my tongue is turning sour
it's sad, but I think the butterflies I used to feel are dying, tonight
CHORUS:
and I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that used to shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day
BRIDGE:
there has to be something between giving up and holding out forever
but it's taking all I have just to hold myself together
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool
CHORUS:
so I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool
here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day...
Maybe it's just me, but I think it's powerfully sad, and I'm quite happy with it (as contradictory as it sounds).
I'm not going to analyse this song to death, but I like that it's mostly written in metaphor - like the turning off the lights part. And my favourite line is, "little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you / and I'm washing away the stars..." I came up with that part sitting in the passenger's seat of a car he was driving, along snow-covered back roads.
Well, that's it from me.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
We're so happy, even when we're smiling out of fear.
15 February 2014
Because You're Wonderful
I originally intended to post this yesterday, as I was writing up the draft earlier this week. I'm keeping the original text, below, even though it is now another day.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
As it is the fourteenth of February, I feel it would be remiss of me if I were not to wish anyone reading this a very happy Valentine's Day.
At the same time, what the hell do I know about that? I have never had the pleasure(?) of being in love on Valentine's Day. But I do wish it for everyone else. At least I have my songs - some people well and truly have nothing. I cannot, for better or worse, say the same thing about myself.
But because it is that famed day of love, I thought I'd share with you this song. There are many things it's not - but loving is definitely not one of them. (Enjoy figuring out that double negative.) Also, complicated. In fact, it's really quite simple.
And I think part of it is that it's been difficult for me to write songs lately. I'm not sure why. But I would come up with a line here, or a chorus there, while never exactly being able to continue with the idea, even when I was otherwise quite pleased with it. So I have a plethora of little slips of paper all together in a folder that I just never could get around to (or could compel myself to pay attention to). This one, for example, I started 3 December, and finished only about two weeks ago - and only then because I thought it might help me if I concentrated on a single song, and I chose this one.
It's about someone with whom I don't stand a chance, but who still, whenever I see him, makes the thought, "My god, he's beautiful," run through my mind as though I were in a Taylor Swift song. And he knows I think he's wonderful (in fact, that seems to be my word of choice to describe him, as I have yet to use another) - and he enjoys it. A little too much.
So it was this that inspired me to write. And the song itself began as a poem, which I shall reproduce in full here (it's an unbelievably short poem):
Your face.
Two words on my lips:
Wonderful, and ridiculous.
That last, for me, and the other
is yours alone.
And that's it. It accurately presents the state of things. But it also serves as a jumping-off point for the full-length song, which I didn't think would actually manage to grow from something so small.
But it did. And even though falling for him was a mistake - and will never not be - I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. And the reason? Three guesses.
Because You're Wonderful
sometimes when I'm sleeping, you come to me and we dream all night, laughing
and then I'm surprised when I see you the next day and it didn't actually happen
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love the way you walk, with your black jacket on
and I love the way it smells, like cigarettes and gum
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
sometimes during the day, my eyes find your face and my heart skips a beat
and I hope no one notices in that moment how I'm struck by electricity
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
BRIDGE:
I could stand with you forever, you would only have to ask and I'd stay
and I would tell you that you're wonderful every day
'cause I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
more than anything
I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful,
because you're wonderful
oh-whoa, you're wonderful
(fade out)
As I said, it's quite simple. I imagine a very simple guitar line, with an explosive crescendo on the line "because you're wonderful," in each verse. But then again, I have no idea if it's a good one, because, as I've said, I have lost the ability to write songs (at least, it certainly feels that way). But it's everything I'm feeling now - which, true to form, has no easy explanation. But I suppose it's my way of honouring the good I see. I don't know, maybe it's stupid. I'm sure at least he would think I was a fool if he knew this song existed.
But whatever. I gave myself until yesterday (14 February) to pretend that being blissed out on him would have a happy ending - and today starts the getting-over-him process. But just for once - for ONCE - I would love to fall for someone without the exquisite agony of knowing that it's a lost cause. Not that it matters, now, anyway, as I have decided to put my heart away. For how long, I'm not sure. But at least for a substantial period of time, because I can't do this anymore.
If there's anybody out there, let me know any reactions to the song you might have.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
Stay beautiful, every little piece, love.
p.s. I should really find a new moniker. I think I've outgrown the angst of this one.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
As it is the fourteenth of February, I feel it would be remiss of me if I were not to wish anyone reading this a very happy Valentine's Day.
At the same time, what the hell do I know about that? I have never had the pleasure(?) of being in love on Valentine's Day. But I do wish it for everyone else. At least I have my songs - some people well and truly have nothing. I cannot, for better or worse, say the same thing about myself.
But because it is that famed day of love, I thought I'd share with you this song. There are many things it's not - but loving is definitely not one of them. (Enjoy figuring out that double negative.) Also, complicated. In fact, it's really quite simple.
And I think part of it is that it's been difficult for me to write songs lately. I'm not sure why. But I would come up with a line here, or a chorus there, while never exactly being able to continue with the idea, even when I was otherwise quite pleased with it. So I have a plethora of little slips of paper all together in a folder that I just never could get around to (or could compel myself to pay attention to). This one, for example, I started 3 December, and finished only about two weeks ago - and only then because I thought it might help me if I concentrated on a single song, and I chose this one.
It's about someone with whom I don't stand a chance, but who still, whenever I see him, makes the thought, "My god, he's beautiful," run through my mind as though I were in a Taylor Swift song. And he knows I think he's wonderful (in fact, that seems to be my word of choice to describe him, as I have yet to use another) - and he enjoys it. A little too much.
So it was this that inspired me to write. And the song itself began as a poem, which I shall reproduce in full here (it's an unbelievably short poem):
Your face.
Two words on my lips:
Wonderful, and ridiculous.
That last, for me, and the other
is yours alone.
And that's it. It accurately presents the state of things. But it also serves as a jumping-off point for the full-length song, which I didn't think would actually manage to grow from something so small.
But it did. And even though falling for him was a mistake - and will never not be - I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. And the reason? Three guesses.
Because You're Wonderful
sometimes when I'm sleeping, you come to me and we dream all night, laughing
and then I'm surprised when I see you the next day and it didn't actually happen
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love the way you walk, with your black jacket on
and I love the way it smells, like cigarettes and gum
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
sometimes during the day, my eyes find your face and my heart skips a beat
and I hope no one notices in that moment how I'm struck by electricity
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
BRIDGE:
I could stand with you forever, you would only have to ask and I'd stay
and I would tell you that you're wonderful every day
'cause I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
more than anything
I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful,
because you're wonderful
oh-whoa, you're wonderful
(fade out)
As I said, it's quite simple. I imagine a very simple guitar line, with an explosive crescendo on the line "because you're wonderful," in each verse. But then again, I have no idea if it's a good one, because, as I've said, I have lost the ability to write songs (at least, it certainly feels that way). But it's everything I'm feeling now - which, true to form, has no easy explanation. But I suppose it's my way of honouring the good I see. I don't know, maybe it's stupid. I'm sure at least he would think I was a fool if he knew this song existed.
But whatever. I gave myself until yesterday (14 February) to pretend that being blissed out on him would have a happy ending - and today starts the getting-over-him process. But just for once - for ONCE - I would love to fall for someone without the exquisite agony of knowing that it's a lost cause. Not that it matters, now, anyway, as I have decided to put my heart away. For how long, I'm not sure. But at least for a substantial period of time, because I can't do this anymore.
If there's anybody out there, let me know any reactions to the song you might have.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
Stay beautiful, every little piece, love.
p.s. I should really find a new moniker. I think I've outgrown the angst of this one.
22 January 2014
Good Night for Whiskey
Every January, I have this thing (call it neurosis, call it perfectionism, call it compulsion, call it spring cleaning) where I have to listen to all of the songs in my iTunes library. And every year, of course, it gets a bit more difficult because I obtain so many more new songs over the course of a year that my library gets more and more full. January is, in short, the month I go deaf. This year, I have 4994 songs over which to go deaf, and so far I'm a little over halfway through. I'm hoping to get it done before the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics, which is on 7 February. Fingers crossed!
Something I really like about this whole bizarre enterprise of mine is that, every year, I fall in love (again, or sometimes perhaps for the first time) with a different album, and it's almost as though I'm rediscovering it again. It's a very nice feeling.
But, of course, sometimes it isn't. Because I just...I feel too much, and it gets me into trouble.
And there's a line in this song that's at the heart of everything I've ever felt. Well, there are two lines that are particularly apt, but one is more fact, whereas the one I'm talking about is a poetic observation of a fundamental truth that is at the core of all of my heartache over the years. I'll let you know which one it is...after the song.
Good Night for Whiskey
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I'm betting he don't even miss me
and the makeup on my face feels like I'm trying too hard
to cover up the fact that I've got a forgotten heart
and I don't think I know how to smile anymore
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I've been drowning in a lifetime of lonely
and right now it feels like there ain't nothing else in store
than dying and crying and all the wrong sides of closed doors
and I don't think I want to make another start
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, chill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
but tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I need to forget these old foolish dreams
and hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear
whose worst mistake was taking too much time to stare
still I've never called anyone mine
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause it'll turn today into hist'ry
and I've made a fool of myself enough for a lifetime
just for being myself for a moment in time
and nothing about this is fair
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
BRIDGE:
but somehow I doubt I'll get over him like that
it might be easier to turn my heart cold and black
and my life could be a good life for whiskey
so I might get over how much he don't miss me
and burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I won't remember how much this night stings...
Oh, the irony. Goddamn the irony.
First things first: I realise it's not my best song. And it's not (really) meant to be. It's kind of wordy, and maybe a bit fuzzy, and it's perhaps a little too angst-y. But (a) I don't want to go back and rewrite it, because the melody (the one I hear and you can't, sorry) is really nice and the words fit to it nicely, and (b) the individual lines are what make it what it is, I think, because they're stronger than is the song as a whole.
As such, I won't analyse it too much. There's, actually, not too much to analyse. I threw it together, really, with lines that all made sense to me, because I've felt, and I feel them all.
The one line in this song that just kills me is hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear. And I should qualify that: it's fruitless hope that's the hardest thing, the hope you just know will never turn out to happen, because it only throws into sharper relief the loneliness of that lonely heart, and dashes its hopes of ever getting out of that. And I know the song isn't the perfect carrier for the line, but it settled into my heart like a truth that has been there for years but has never quite been named. Because that's what it is.
And it's a truth that makes me want to drink until I can't feel anything anymore. (But I don't drink, so I just feel, if not weather, the pain and write songs about it.) Hence, this song. It doesn't mean much, other than the song is the me I wish I weren't. The me I wish I didn't have to be.
Also, I think the chorus is addressing the whiskey. Those are all directives for the alcohol.
Something I really like about this whole bizarre enterprise of mine is that, every year, I fall in love (again, or sometimes perhaps for the first time) with a different album, and it's almost as though I'm rediscovering it again. It's a very nice feeling.
But, of course, sometimes it isn't. Because I just...I feel too much, and it gets me into trouble.
And there's a line in this song that's at the heart of everything I've ever felt. Well, there are two lines that are particularly apt, but one is more fact, whereas the one I'm talking about is a poetic observation of a fundamental truth that is at the core of all of my heartache over the years. I'll let you know which one it is...after the song.
Good Night for Whiskey
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I'm betting he don't even miss me
and the makeup on my face feels like I'm trying too hard
to cover up the fact that I've got a forgotten heart
and I don't think I know how to smile anymore
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I've been drowning in a lifetime of lonely
and right now it feels like there ain't nothing else in store
than dying and crying and all the wrong sides of closed doors
and I don't think I want to make another start
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, chill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
but tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I need to forget these old foolish dreams
and hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear
whose worst mistake was taking too much time to stare
still I've never called anyone mine
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause it'll turn today into hist'ry
and I've made a fool of myself enough for a lifetime
just for being myself for a moment in time
and nothing about this is fair
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
BRIDGE:
but somehow I doubt I'll get over him like that
it might be easier to turn my heart cold and black
and my life could be a good life for whiskey
so I might get over how much he don't miss me
and burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I won't remember how much this night stings...
Oh, the irony. Goddamn the irony.
First things first: I realise it's not my best song. And it's not (really) meant to be. It's kind of wordy, and maybe a bit fuzzy, and it's perhaps a little too angst-y. But (a) I don't want to go back and rewrite it, because the melody (the one I hear and you can't, sorry) is really nice and the words fit to it nicely, and (b) the individual lines are what make it what it is, I think, because they're stronger than is the song as a whole.
As such, I won't analyse it too much. There's, actually, not too much to analyse. I threw it together, really, with lines that all made sense to me, because I've felt, and I feel them all.
The one line in this song that just kills me is hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear. And I should qualify that: it's fruitless hope that's the hardest thing, the hope you just know will never turn out to happen, because it only throws into sharper relief the loneliness of that lonely heart, and dashes its hopes of ever getting out of that. And I know the song isn't the perfect carrier for the line, but it settled into my heart like a truth that has been there for years but has never quite been named. Because that's what it is.
And it's a truth that makes me want to drink until I can't feel anything anymore. (But I don't drink, so I just feel, if not weather, the pain and write songs about it.) Hence, this song. It doesn't mean much, other than the song is the me I wish I weren't. The me I wish I didn't have to be.
Also, I think the chorus is addressing the whiskey. Those are all directives for the alcohol.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
Now I'm all messed up, wondering...whose life you're making worthwhile.
07 January 2014
Before My Eyes
Happy January to all of you lovely people.
Would you believe it if I told you that this is the 100th post on this blog? It seems sort of crazy, almost impossible. And yet...
Thank you for being along for the ride.
I thought this was a good song with which to begin a new year. It looks to the future, to the other years ahead, and pins hopes and dreams onto them. Which is kind of nice, and very thematically sensical with the time of year in which we are at this current moment.
The title is something I'm not sure about yet. So that doesn't have to remain the same.
The melody that kept resounding in my head as I wrote this one was some kind of bizarre, mellifluous mashup of "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift, and "Little Things" by One Direction (which is, surprisingly, a completely beautiful song, as it was actually written by the brilliant Ed Sheeran, and also, it's possible that there's a line in there about drinking tea before bed and talking in one's sleep that is completely about me).
Before My Eyes
I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me, and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name, but I know I could love you
I can picture your face as you ask me to dinner
and I will say yes because I've only been waiting my whole life for that
you'll take me somewhere warm 'cause it's getting to be winter
and I'll spend all night trying to make you laugh
and we'll both be surprised when it's suddenly midnight
so you'll drive really slowly when you take me back home
you'll park your car and kiss me under the flick'ring streetlight
and I'll know in that moment that I won't anymore be alone
a few months later you'll take me to meet your family
I'll bring flowers for you mother, and a bottle of wine
your feet will touch mine under the table, and your dad'll love me
you'll come to my place around Christmastime
and my parents will find you as lovely as I do
because you can reach the top of the tree, they'll let you hang the star
my sister might ask some hard questions just to test you
but you'll handle them with grace 'cause that's just how you are
I'll wait for you to say "I love you" first
even though I will have felt that way for many more days
and when we make love, you'll be my only and my first
but we'll pretend to my parents we don't, 'cause I always swore I'd wait
it'll be a secret that makes us smile in public and giggle behind closed doors
and it'll only be a matter of course when you ask my dad for my hand
because he'll know you were made for me, and I was meant to be yours
so you'll take me back to this place, where it all began
where I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name but I know I could love you
I can picture a white dress as day turns to night
and you'll wear a tux for maybe the first time in your life
we'll have his and hers rings after we walk down the aisle
my name will be engraved in yours, and yours will be in mine
you'll be proud when I take your last name for my own
and over the next years, we'll help each other grow into ourselves
we'll turn this old house we bought into our perfect home
and celebrate with champagne the day we pay off our student debts
we'll have a boy who looks like you, and a girl who has my eyes
we'll decide that I will be the one to stay at home with them
and I'll watch you fall asleep as you read to them every night
it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined
some days you'll work too much overtime, and that will annoy me
then we'll really learn just why they say this life is so hard
and you'll hate that I'm like my dad and don't speak when I'm angry
there might be slamming doors but we'll never fall completely apart
we'll drop our babies off at college and I'll cry all the way home
but in the quiet evenings, I'll get the chance to rediscover you
and suddenly we'll be glad for the time we have together alone
everything between us will again be both comfortable and new
you'll be the reason I'm not afraid of things like time, and growing old
because I will get to experience everything with you
and when the end comes, yours will be the hand I get to hold
I will have loved you every day, from that first afternoon,
when I thought I saw my future flash before my eyes
when you walked past me and my life was never the same
these are the daydreams hiding behind my distant smile
in this moment, where I don't even know your last name... (end)
This song brings out so many emotions for me. I cried at least four times while writing it, typing it up just now made me cringe, and reading it over today is making me so sad. So sad, and it's not supposed to (so much has changed since I wrote it, in early November), which just makes it even more sad for me today.
But let's make this much clear: I'm no longer stupid enough to believe that this will actually happen. That's why I dream about it, and put it into songs like this. So, for at least a few minutes, it does become real for me, and I fall into this fantasy that shouldn't be so fantastical. And I guess this song was just me putting down on paper everything I once held in my heart.
But of course, as evidenced, the fantasies I have and create are very much grounded in reality - I really tried to keep this song from getting too fanciful. So I mention paying off student debts (all too real) and arguing (which happens, or so I'm told), because that's all part of the picture.
As much as it made me cringe just now, I did once like the line "it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined," because, of course, the whole thing is an imagined image, so it's a tongue-in-cheek perforation of the constructed image that the entire song is. As are the intro/modified intros peppered throughout. The verses are longe enough (or were supposed to be so) to actually make you forget that it's fake, and then it's a slight reminder of the present reality. And it's a variation on a frame tale narrative, in that way. I don't know if it works, but it was intended to.
Anyway.
Next song to be posted: "Good Night for Whiskey."
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another (very) Ordinary Girl
If ever I could love, I think it could be with you.
What you are is a daydream I'll never get to hold.
Would you believe it if I told you that this is the 100th post on this blog? It seems sort of crazy, almost impossible. And yet...
Thank you for being along for the ride.
I thought this was a good song with which to begin a new year. It looks to the future, to the other years ahead, and pins hopes and dreams onto them. Which is kind of nice, and very thematically sensical with the time of year in which we are at this current moment.
The title is something I'm not sure about yet. So that doesn't have to remain the same.
The melody that kept resounding in my head as I wrote this one was some kind of bizarre, mellifluous mashup of "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift, and "Little Things" by One Direction (which is, surprisingly, a completely beautiful song, as it was actually written by the brilliant Ed Sheeran, and also, it's possible that there's a line in there about drinking tea before bed and talking in one's sleep that is completely about me).
Before My Eyes
I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me, and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name, but I know I could love you
I can picture your face as you ask me to dinner
and I will say yes because I've only been waiting my whole life for that
you'll take me somewhere warm 'cause it's getting to be winter
and I'll spend all night trying to make you laugh
and we'll both be surprised when it's suddenly midnight
so you'll drive really slowly when you take me back home
you'll park your car and kiss me under the flick'ring streetlight
and I'll know in that moment that I won't anymore be alone
a few months later you'll take me to meet your family
I'll bring flowers for you mother, and a bottle of wine
your feet will touch mine under the table, and your dad'll love me
you'll come to my place around Christmastime
and my parents will find you as lovely as I do
because you can reach the top of the tree, they'll let you hang the star
my sister might ask some hard questions just to test you
but you'll handle them with grace 'cause that's just how you are
I'll wait for you to say "I love you" first
even though I will have felt that way for many more days
and when we make love, you'll be my only and my first
but we'll pretend to my parents we don't, 'cause I always swore I'd wait
it'll be a secret that makes us smile in public and giggle behind closed doors
and it'll only be a matter of course when you ask my dad for my hand
because he'll know you were made for me, and I was meant to be yours
so you'll take me back to this place, where it all began
where I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name but I know I could love you
I can picture a white dress as day turns to night
and you'll wear a tux for maybe the first time in your life
we'll have his and hers rings after we walk down the aisle
my name will be engraved in yours, and yours will be in mine
you'll be proud when I take your last name for my own
and over the next years, we'll help each other grow into ourselves
we'll turn this old house we bought into our perfect home
and celebrate with champagne the day we pay off our student debts
we'll have a boy who looks like you, and a girl who has my eyes
we'll decide that I will be the one to stay at home with them
and I'll watch you fall asleep as you read to them every night
it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined
some days you'll work too much overtime, and that will annoy me
then we'll really learn just why they say this life is so hard
and you'll hate that I'm like my dad and don't speak when I'm angry
there might be slamming doors but we'll never fall completely apart
we'll drop our babies off at college and I'll cry all the way home
but in the quiet evenings, I'll get the chance to rediscover you
and suddenly we'll be glad for the time we have together alone
everything between us will again be both comfortable and new
you'll be the reason I'm not afraid of things like time, and growing old
because I will get to experience everything with you
and when the end comes, yours will be the hand I get to hold
I will have loved you every day, from that first afternoon,
when I thought I saw my future flash before my eyes
when you walked past me and my life was never the same
these are the daydreams hiding behind my distant smile
in this moment, where I don't even know your last name... (end)
This song brings out so many emotions for me. I cried at least four times while writing it, typing it up just now made me cringe, and reading it over today is making me so sad. So sad, and it's not supposed to (so much has changed since I wrote it, in early November), which just makes it even more sad for me today.
But let's make this much clear: I'm no longer stupid enough to believe that this will actually happen. That's why I dream about it, and put it into songs like this. So, for at least a few minutes, it does become real for me, and I fall into this fantasy that shouldn't be so fantastical. And I guess this song was just me putting down on paper everything I once held in my heart.
But of course, as evidenced, the fantasies I have and create are very much grounded in reality - I really tried to keep this song from getting too fanciful. So I mention paying off student debts (all too real) and arguing (which happens, or so I'm told), because that's all part of the picture.
As much as it made me cringe just now, I did once like the line "it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined," because, of course, the whole thing is an imagined image, so it's a tongue-in-cheek perforation of the constructed image that the entire song is. As are the intro/modified intros peppered throughout. The verses are longe enough (or were supposed to be so) to actually make you forget that it's fake, and then it's a slight reminder of the present reality. And it's a variation on a frame tale narrative, in that way. I don't know if it works, but it was intended to.
Anyway.
Next song to be posted: "Good Night for Whiskey."
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another (very) Ordinary Girl
If ever I could love, I think it could be with you.
What you are is a daydream I'll never get to hold.
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