A Million Ways

Do you think it's okay to want something, and then be scared by the prospect of it possibly happening?

That's unrelated to the song, for the most part.  But I just thought I'd provide some food for thought.

I've been walking around in this fog of extreme hurt for nearly a month, so I get that my songs are depressing lately.  But so is having a bruised and beaten - and exasperated - heart.  It's like my insides are black and blue.

And I'm trying to figure out if I have a right to be angry at the perpetrator.

A Million Ways

you could have said hello a time or two

or you could've asked me, "how are you?"

instead of making me wonder what about me made you turn away

and maybe you could have smiled back

you could have let me make you laugh

because all I wanted was for you to let me in more than halfway

how much time would that really have taken?

but instead, now my heart is breaking

CHORUS:

oh, all the times I happen to cross your path during the day

you could have made me happy in a million little ways

but you're the beautiful tears rolling down my cheek

and the cloud of anger that's making me weak

you see, now I'm sitting here, thinking of all the things you might have done

'cause there were a million ways to make me smile, without making me cry once

you didn't have to ask me out one time

and then change your mind the very next night

because I can take a hint that's not even a little cruel

maybe you could have realised your mistakes

the ones made from our very first handshake

and instead of me always apologising, you could have said, "I'm sorry," too

how much time would that really have taken?

but instead, now my heart is breaking

CHORUS:

oh, all the times I happen to cross your path during the day

you could have made me happy in a million little ways

but you're the beautiful tears rolling down my cheek

and the cloud of anger that's making me weak

you see, now I'm sitting here, thinking of all the things you might have done

'cause there were a million ways to make me smile, without making me cry once

BRIDGE:

it really wouldn't have taken much,

'cause there was a time I thrilled at the slightest touch

and I promise that it used to be

that just the sight of you would make me happy

but you're the beautiful tears rolling down my cheek

and the cloud of anger that's making me weak

still, here I am, thinking of all the things you might have done

'cause there were a million ways to make me smile, without making me cry once

So much of me wishes I could bring back the exquisite wordplay of the songs I was writing at this time last year.  "Less in Love," "Weren't We," "Slow-Dancing on the Edge of a Flame," "The Only Thing."  I miss those moments - those were stories worth living, stories worth remembering.  What I'm writing about now is something not even worth living through the first time.

I guess I also miss the person I was this time last year.  I wasn't perfect (never will be), but at least I didn't walk around feeling the way I do now.  And I'm never going to be as good a writer as I was back then.

I'm never going to be the same.

Thank you for the musik.

You've got one foot in and one foot out the door / and, baby, I can't take it anymore.

What do you get when you fall in love? / a guy with a pin, to burst your bubble / that's what you get for all your trouble / I'll never fall in love again / I'll never fall in love again.

I'm Not Running

Somehow, over the first few months of this year (2014), I have discovered that there is less and less that I want to say in introduction to the songs I am posting here.

(And yes, don't worry, I can hear your collective sighs of relief.)

And I'm not entirely sure why - I just know that I have curtailed my verbosity, which may just turn out to be the best thing.  But I guess what I can say about this song is that it was born almost two months ago, when my closest friend was going through some difficulty (though he never told me quite what it was), and also when I was in the process of learning that even the most beautiful people have some of the ugliest secrets.

And in those cases, it is so hard to curb the impulse to shut people out.

I'm Not Running

you say that you're no stranger to darkness
you've been brought to your knees so much it's hard now for you to stand
and it might be easy to hide from this
but you say every hardship you've faced has made you into a man

PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now

CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay

you should know I'd go through it all with you
I'm not just another thing you need to be afraid will break
and if you ever don't know what to do
I'll always be here, wanting to help you try to find the right words to say

PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now

CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay

BRIDGE:
here, where no one else can hurt you
because I promise I never will want to
and if you ever do see me running,
I'll only be running, running toward you

PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now

in case you haven't noticed by now
(crescendo)

CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay

here, where no one else can hurt you,
because I promise I never will want to
and if you ever do see me running,
I'll only be running toward you

toward you...

It's been a while, I think, since I've done a song with a pre-chorus.  Oh, how things change.

Even if sometimes, you wished they didn't.

Much love, and thank you for the musik.

And no one knows that you cry, but you don't tell anyone that you might not be the golden one.

Razors

It is extremely difficult to sit all night next to someone who has your heart, and not reach out and touch him.  This I learned last night.  One day, I might just give up self-control and grab his hand.

But the song is not about that.

It's about as angry (and probably hurt) as I get.

Razors

Maybe it was me, and this is my fault
pretending you were wonderful and dancing right into your hands
but you never broke my fall
so you're the only reason this is how this ends
you've gotten rid of me, swept me aside like a pawn
well congratulations,
isn't that what you wanted all along?

CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions might speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
like razors
oh, they burn like razors

maybe one day, years from now,
I'll meet someone who is willing to love me somehow
and won't it be funny
when I break him, like you've broken me?

CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions might speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
like razors
oh, they burn like razors

BRIDGE:
I hope one day you can explain
why I don't have anything left to give away
'cause you cut it all out of me
until scars were all I could see
and I'm done chasing after flashes

(break)

well, congratulations,
isn't that what you wanted all along?

CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions may speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
oh-whoa, they both burn
they both burn like razors

like razors...

The bridge is intended to tie it all together.  And I think it does.

Please let me know what you think, if there's anyone out there.

Much love, and thank you for the musik.

Wrote a couple of notes - one in love, one in anger; they're lying there, dying, in the dresser drawer.

Did I plan, doing all of this for the love of a man? / Well, I let it happen anyhow / and what I'm feeling now / has no easy explanation, reason plays no part / heaven help my heart...

Valentine's Day

Now this would have been the song to post on Friday, the fourteenth.

Too bad I didn't actually think of it until Sunday.  The sixteenth.

And I started writing it en route to a funeral.  It was my next-door neighbor's, who had been very sick for many years, for as long as I had known her (about twenty years).  And I was standing there, listening to her life's story being told, holding my dad's hand and wishing that there were a way he would never leave me.  Of course, not two minutes later, he moved away, to go stand with my mom.  Fair enough, I suppose.

On the way home, I was listening to Pure Heroine, Lorde's ridiculously amazing debut album, and composing this song of my own.  Which has nothing to do with funerals or anything, just to be clear.  But of course, almost as if on purpose, as I was coming up with the first verse (I had finished the chorus and the bridge by then), I got a text from the person who inspired it.  And all I wanted was for the song to not even be necessary, but it was because this is reality and not something I can pretend isn't happening.  And it goes back to what I was saying at the very end of the last post, about starting to get over him.

Or trying to, at least.

Valentine's Day

today I decided to learn just how to put away my heart
and you're on my list of things not to think about, tonight
I guess some battles are lost before they even start
it's sad, but I missed watching the sun going down, tonight

CHORUS:
now I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day

it feels like ages since I've smiled, going on fourteen hours
and I've been defeated by not even trying, tonight
the taste your name left on my tongue is turning sour
it's sad, but I think the butterflies I used to feel are dying, tonight

CHORUS:
and I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that used to shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day

BRIDGE:
there has to be something between giving up and holding out forever
but it's taking all I have just to hold myself together
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool

CHORUS:
so I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool

here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day...

Maybe it's just me, but I think it's powerfully sad, and I'm quite happy with it (as contradictory as it sounds).

I'm not going to analyse this song to death, but I like that it's mostly written in metaphor - like the turning off the lights part.  And my favourite line is, "little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you / and I'm washing away the stars..."  I came up with that part sitting in the passenger's seat of a car he was driving, along snow-covered back roads.

Well, that's it from me.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

We're so happy, even when we're smiling out of fear.

Because You're Wonderful

I originally intended to post this yesterday, as I was writing up the draft earlier this week.  I'm keeping the original text, below, even though it is now another day.
________________________________________________________________________________________________

As it is the fourteenth of February, I feel it would be remiss of me if I were not to wish anyone reading this a very happy Valentine's Day.

At the same time, what the hell do I know about that?  I have never had the pleasure(?) of being in love on Valentine's Day.  But I do wish it for everyone else.  At least I have my songs - some people well and truly have nothing.  I cannot, for better or worse, say the same thing about myself.

But because it is that famed day of love, I thought I'd share with you this song.  There are many things it's not - but loving is definitely not one of them.  (Enjoy figuring out that double negative.)  Also, complicated.  In fact, it's really quite simple.

And I think part of it is that it's been difficult for me to write songs lately.  I'm not sure why.  But I would come up with a line here, or a chorus there, while never exactly being able to continue with the idea, even when I was otherwise quite pleased with it.  So I have a plethora of little slips of paper all together in a folder that I just never could get around to (or could compel myself to pay attention to).  This one, for example, I started 3 December, and finished only about two weeks ago - and only then because I thought it might help me if I concentrated on a single song, and I chose this one.

It's about someone with whom I don't stand a chance, but who still, whenever I see him, makes the thought, "My god, he's beautiful," run through my mind as though I were in a Taylor Swift song.  And he knows I think he's wonderful (in fact, that seems to be my word of choice to describe him, as I have yet to use another) - and he enjoys it.  A little too much.

So it was this that inspired me to write.  And the song itself began as a poem, which I shall reproduce in full here (it's an unbelievably short poem):

Your face.
     Two words on my lips:
     Wonderful, and ridiculous.
That last, for me, and the other
     is yours alone.

And that's it.  It accurately presents the state of things.  But it also serves as a jumping-off point for the full-length song, which I didn't think would actually manage to grow from something so small.

But it did.  And even though falling for him was a mistake - and will never not be - I couldn't help it.  I just couldn't.  And the reason?  Three guesses.

Because You're Wonderful

sometimes when I'm sleeping, you come to me and we dream all night, laughing
and then I'm surprised when I see you the next day and it didn't actually happen
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love the way you walk, with your black jacket on
and I love the way it smells, like cigarettes and gum
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name

sometimes during the day, my eyes find your face and my heart skips a beat
and I hope no one notices in that moment how I'm struck by electricity
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name

BRIDGE:
I could stand with you forever, you would only have to ask and I'd stay
and I would tell you that you're wonderful every day

'cause I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
more than anything

I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful,
because you're wonderful
oh-whoa, you're wonderful
(fade out)

As I said, it's quite simple.  I imagine a very simple guitar line, with an explosive crescendo on the line "because you're wonderful," in each verse.  But then again, I have no idea if it's a good one, because, as I've said, I have lost the ability to write songs (at least, it certainly feels that way).  But it's everything I'm feeling now - which, true to form, has no easy explanation.  But I suppose it's my way of honouring the good I see.  I don't know, maybe it's stupid.  I'm sure at least he would think I was a fool if he knew this song existed.

But whatever.  I gave myself until yesterday (14 February) to pretend that being blissed out on him would have a happy ending - and today starts the getting-over-him process.  But just for once - for ONCE - I would love to fall for someone without the exquisite agony of knowing that it's a lost cause.  Not that it matters, now, anyway, as I have decided to put my heart away.  For how long, I'm not sure.  But at least for a substantial period of time, because I can't do this anymore.

If there's anybody out there, let me know any reactions to the song you might have.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

Stay beautiful, every little piece, love.

p.s.  I should really find a new moniker.  I think I've outgrown the angst of this one.

Good Night for Whiskey

Every January, I have this thing (call it neurosis, call it perfectionism, call it compulsion, call it spring cleaning) where I have to listen to all of the songs in my iTunes library.  And every year, of course, it gets a bit more difficult because I obtain so many more new songs over the course of a year that my library gets more and more full.  January is, in short, the month I go deaf.  This year, I have 4994 songs over which to go deaf, and so far I'm a little over halfway through.  I'm hoping to get it done before the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics, which is on 7 February.  Fingers crossed!

Something I really like about this whole bizarre enterprise of mine is that, every year, I fall in love (again, or sometimes perhaps for the first time) with a different album, and it's almost as though I'm rediscovering it again.  It's a very nice feeling.

But, of course, sometimes it isn't.  Because I just...I feel too much, and it gets me into trouble.

And there's a line in this song that's at the heart of everything I've ever felt.  Well, there are two lines that are particularly apt, but one is more fact, whereas the one I'm talking about is a poetic observation of a fundamental truth that is at the core of all of my heartache over the years.  I'll let you know which one it is...after the song.

Good Night for Whiskey

tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I'm betting he don't even miss me
and the makeup on my face feels like I'm trying too hard
to cover up the fact that I've got a forgotten heart
and I don't think I know how to smile anymore

tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I've been drowning in a lifetime of lonely
and right now it feels like there ain't nothing else in store
than dying and crying and all the wrong sides of closed doors
and I don't think I want to make another start

CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, chill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins

but tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I need to forget these old foolish dreams
and hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear
whose worst mistake was taking too much time to stare
still I've never called anyone mine

tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause it'll turn today into hist'ry
and I've made a fool of myself enough for a lifetime
just for being myself for a moment in time
and nothing about this is fair

CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins

BRIDGE:
but somehow I doubt I'll get over him like that
it might be easier to turn my heart cold and black
and my life could be a good life for whiskey
so I might get over how much he don't miss me

and burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins

take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I won't remember how much this night stings...

Oh, the irony.  Goddamn the irony.

First things first: I realise it's not my best song.  And it's not (really) meant to be.  It's kind of wordy, and maybe a bit fuzzy, and it's perhaps a little too angst-y.  But (a) I don't want to go back and rewrite it, because the melody (the one I hear and you can't, sorry) is really nice and the words fit to it nicely, and (b) the individual lines are what make it what it is, I think, because they're stronger than is the song as a whole.

As such, I won't analyse it too much.  There's, actually, not too much to analyse.  I threw it together, really, with lines that all made sense to me, because I've felt, and I feel them all.

The one line in this song that just kills me is hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear.  And I should qualify that: it's fruitless hope that's the hardest thing, the hope you just know will never turn out to happen, because it only throws into sharper relief the loneliness of that lonely heart, and dashes its hopes of ever getting out of that.  And I know the song isn't the perfect carrier for the line, but it settled into my heart like a truth that has been there for years but has never quite been named.  Because that's what it is.

And it's a truth that makes me want to drink until I can't feel anything anymore.  (But I don't drink, so I just feel, if not weather, the pain and write songs about it.)  Hence, this song.  It doesn't mean much, other than the song is the me I wish I weren't.   The me I wish I didn't have to be.

Also, I think the chorus is addressing the whiskey.  Those are all directives for the alcohol.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

Now I'm all messed up, wondering...whose life you're making worthwhile.