The Only Thing

Does anyone out there have any New Year's Resolutions?  Mine last year was simple - well, at least, simple to verbalise.  It was, simply, to be happy for the majority of the 365 days.

Whether or not I was successful I will not say.  I will, however, say that I'm aiming lower this year, with my resolution to brush my teeth daily before leaving the house.

But I am grateful for this year.  Absolutely.  It was one hell of a ride.  And before I get too philosophical, let me just continue on.

And now, the song.  It was born in Barbados - when we were in Barbados, that is.  14 August.  See?

The melody just popped into my head and I don't even know if the words fit the melody, or the music fit the words; it was just that seamless.  The next day, we were riding around Saint Kitts in the back of one of those Caribbean taxis and I could not stop coming up with new rhymes, new images, new things to say in this song.  My sister, at one point, was reading over my shoulder a little bit, and asked, "New song?"  When I said yes, and told her the name, she riffed with it and made it a Caribbean-themed ditty:  "the only thing I need is sunshine and a beach."

But, as you will see shortly, it is not that kind of song.

The Only Thing

there was a time you were my sunrise

my early morning sleepy eyes

my chocolate milk in the kitchen, 'cause I don't drink coffee

you used to be my holiday

my damn, you take my breath away

my that cloud up there looks just like you laughing at me

there was a time you were my fast car

my adventurous beating heart

my I'll go anywhere as long as you'll be there with me

you used to be my applause

my midday phone call just because

my this heart of mine is so full that I can't even speak

CHORUS:

but now, you're just a page in my diary

a bright and burning memory

the mascara running down my cheek

you're the alcohol I pour in my drink

a sleepless night spent remembering

'cause I let you become everything

and I relive it all the time

but the only thing you won't ever be again, is mine

there was a time you were my movie quotes

my just between us inside jokes

my let's stay sitting after dinner, slowly sipping tea

you used to be my slow dance

my inseparable hand-in-hand

my safe midnight arms to hold me 'til I fall back asleep

CHORUS:

but now, you're just a page in my diary

a bright and burning memory

the mascara running down my cheek

you're the alcohol I pour in my drink

a sleepless night spent remembering

'cause I let you become everything

and I relive it all the time

but the only thing you can't ever be again, is mine

BRIDGE:

the realisation comes crashing in, of how much we were

and just how much we lost when we lost each other

and I understand now, why and just how much it hurts

'cause we were always more than friends, never just lovers

so, please remember me as your sunrise

your across-the-table brown eyes

your skipping for no reason as we're walking down the street

remember me as your northern lights

your this is our song taking flight

your everything you are is all I'll ever need

because yours, is the only thing I ever wanted to be... (end)

I had a big huge, profound, in-depth analysis of the song written up, thinking that I needed it, that it needed something to accompany it - but having just re-read it, I think the song stands alone and needs nothing else.  It is quite a lovely (albeit melancholy) way to bring the year to a close.

My next post (next year!) will be the 100th on this blog.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

p.s.  Fingers crossed that Michael Schumacher, the Formula 1 legend himself, pulls through his skiing injury.  I have been unable to think about anything else these past few days, and I am sick with worry about him.  All my love and positive thoughts going to his hospital room in Grenoble. 

Now I don't know what to be without you around / and we know it's never simple, never easy / never a clean break, no one here to save me / you're the only thing I know like the back of my hand / and I can't breathe without you, but I have to.

No One Else's Heartbreak

Seeing as today is the last day of the year 2013, I would like to wish anyone who is reading (and everyone else who isn't, as well) a very healthy and happy and wonderful new year.  And I hope that everyone also celebrated the holidays in a loving, and joyous way.

I forgot to mention that in the previous post.

Here's another unusual song for me - but it's because of the writing style, not so much the structure (see: previous post).

So here's a song that is so fun, mostly because I completely made it up.  There's nothing that makes sense with where I am now, really, and it's the first song in a while (or, ever, except for maybe "Zach Is Looking Hot Tonight") that doesn't really have a granule of truth that comes from something I've experienced, emotionally or otherwise, and I think that's what makes it so cool for me.  Because that's just it - I don't need to have experienced these things to have come up with the song anyway.  I just wrote it without having it pertain to me.

But that's also where the bridge/chorus thing comes into play, as being the most similar to my other songs, because it has the most of me in it.  (And I say "bridge/chorus thing" because I originally conceptualised those lines as the bridge, with the song not having a repeating pseudo-chorus, but then I came up with "this ain't no one else's heartbreak, but mine," and I loved it so much and put it as the song title, too, that I couldn't help but want to repeat it.)

Anyway, otherwise, this song came quickly.  I really didn't think about it too long, or work on it too hard (I know, I know).  The idea came to me on a Monday evening in mid-October, between the first and second periods of a Devils game in Edmonton (against the Oilers); I remember so because I was standing in the kitchen, and as I was thinking up lines (the bridge actually came first, but it was followed closely by the "sages" line) I just knew it was going to be something good.  I just didn't know it would come so quickly - by that Wednesday, I was done.

No One Else's Heartbreak

the girl who bagged my groceries gave me an extra chocolate bar

she winked and said, "there, that oughta help with your broken heart,"

and last night I got a phone call from my aunt Giselle

who told me it's high time I got under someone else

the man I sat next to on the bus said, "it's his loss,"

and my best friend who's never been in love thinks I'm better off

I don't remember asking their opinion, or maybe they're trying to be nice

but all the sages come out in a small town, when you don't want their advice

my cousin's boyfriend's roommate offered to beat you up for me

and asked if I need to borrow a bottle from his stash of whiskey

the woman who does my mama's hair's talked on and on and on

about how she always said that one day you'd be gone

the teachers I had all throughout school tell me, "it's his loss,"

and the neighbor who never much liked you thinks I'm better off

I don't remember asking their opinion, or maybe they're trying to be nice

but all the sages come out in a small town, when you don't want their advice

and they all make it sound so simple, just like walking away

but I can still remember the way you used to say my name

so I just smile, bite my lip, and say, "thank you, I'm fine,"

because this ain't no one else's heartbreak, but mine

your first ex came over because she thought I could use the company

she laughed and said, "don't worry, there's plenty other fish in the sea,"

and my great-aunt has already been trying to set me up

so I got a call from her best friend's favourite grandson

everyone I meet keeps telling me this is your loss

and people who never even knew you think I'm better off

I don't remember asking their opinion, or maybe they're trying to be nice

but all the sages come out in a small town, when you don't want their advice

and they all make it sound so simple, just like walking away

but I can still remember the way you used to say my name

so I just smile, bite my lip, and say, "thank you, I'm fine,"

because this ain't no one else's heartbreak, but mine

no, this ain't no one else's heartbreak, but mine...

So, yeah.  There's that.  I like the idea of the misguided assistance and advice from everyone who knows her (and a few people who don't), and how she just has to deal with it because people are never gonna change.  I love the idea of "all the sages" in a small town, because there's such sarcasm in the way she says it.  Like she's just humouring them - which, obviously, she is.  But then there are those moments beyond that, moments where her actual hurt (and heart) is showing through - like how she can still remember how he used to say her name.  And the fact that it's addressing him ("you") is almost conspiratorial, and confiding, and serves as juxtaposition to the lighthearted tone of the rest of it.

And that thing with her being able to remember how he said her name is something I came up with a few years ago.  I won't go into detail, but I went to China in the summer of 2007 with People to People (it's a student ambassadors program that I may have already mentioned once upon a time on this blog) and about 35 other kids from the area.  The girl with whom I was closest while on the trip, and I got to talking once and I was telling her about this guy I had seriously been crushing on at home who told me he was gay that January (yeah), and how I discovered that I was over him when I couldn't remember how he said my name.  (This was a trick she later used to convince herself it was okay to hook up with a guy on the trip, that it wasn't cheating on her boyfriend back home because she couldn't remember how he said her name.  ...No comment.)

Much love, happy New Year, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

I heard, from a friend of a friend of a friend, that you finally got rid of that girlfriend...whole town nearly hooped and hollered.

For Good

I know it's been a while.  And I've only just recently realised just how close we are to the end of the year, so I should probably get in my last three posts for the year (to get to 19 posts for 2013) before it ends and I can no longer do so.

And I'll just dive right in, shall I?

You will probably be able to tell immediately that the structure of this song is a little bit different; usually I end on a chorus, or something.  But I also think it's cool to get away from the traditional form from time to time, and it doesn't hurt this song to be a little different.

This one is also a departure, thematically, from most of my others.  It speaks to that moment when someone whose company you've been enjoying says to you, after a nice evening, "Oh, by the way, I'm deploying to Afghanistan (or wherever) next month."  And suddenly you have to decide what your reaction to the situation is going to be.  You're stripped of the illusion of a perfect world preoccupied only with simple, trivial, feel-good things, and things just absolutely get real.  You have to make the decision of whether or not you're going to make the commitment to him, after only a few months of knowing him - which, I imagine, is a difficult situation.  And it's like something dark and scary has creeped in between these two people, because being together got hard and serious and stressful and grown-up right when it should have been at its most carefree and fun and easy.  But you don't want to let go of him and of what you've started, and you don't want to get in the middle of what he always wanted to do (and what would give him a sense of purpose and meaning), so you grow up on the spot and make the decision to stick with him, even thought that opens up a series of other fears and worries and what ifs.  (I'd very much imagine.)

So the "for good" has a double meaning there.

As does the "leaving you behind," of course.  (Or is it a triple meaning?)  Slight connections to be made with that one, too.

It's written in the second person, to maintain a sort of bizarre surreality, because nothing about war feels real to the people staying home (and yet, simultaneously, it feels extremely real).  There's a disconnect there.  And it's especially hard to fathom when it's someone you love (or have begun to love) going away to a place you barely know anything about, to do something you never even wanted to think about.  It challenges your whole perception of life, and what you expected from it.  (I assume.)

And then there's the circuity, where it ends with a variation on the first little couplet of the opening verse.  Which makes it come full circle, somewhat.  Like life.

For better or worse.  And,

For Good

it happens when you least expect it,
that reality comes knocking on the door
and the safe little world you've constructed
isn't unassailable anymore

it might come as a phone call,
or it might be something you already know
either way, there's nothing that can break the fall
when suddenly he's halfway across the globe

CHORUS:
next thing you're holding on, with everything you have
and he's getting on the plane, and he's not looking back
you won't stop him from doing, what he always said he would
but what if it means he's leaving you behind for good

you find you've aged too much, much too fast
and you forget about forever
because this may be the only chance you'll have
for you to grow old together

BRIDGE:
oh, nothing has changed yet,
but everything feels different already
and the place he carved for you with his own two hands
suddenly feels empty

CHORUS:
next thing you're holding on, with everything you have
and he's getting on the plane, and he's not looking back
you won't stop him from doing, what he always said he would
but what if it means he's leaving you behind for good

so you hold on to what makes you strong
just as you decide to hold back your tears
and things could change once again, before too long
you can't stop these days from passing into years

still you're scared behind your smiles
where your heartbeat was easy before
'cause you didn't expect to be blindsided
when reality came knocking on the door

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

And I'm lonely for the way I was.

Oh, she just couldn't believe it, she heard the trumpets from the military band / and the flowers fell out of her hand / baby, why'd you leave me, why'd you have to go / I was counting on forever, now I'll never know / I can't even breathe / it's like I'm looking from a distance, standing in the background...

Forget Me Not

Get ready for a very picture-heavy post.  This one has a very different, very long, very sweet (maybe too sweet?) story attached to it.  And I'm trying to figure out the best way to tell it, without coming across as a crazy person.

Even though, you know.  We're all crazy.  In one way or another.

But anyway, that's a discussion for another time, another blog, another lifetime.  Today we're talking "Forget Me Not," and not just the flower.  But how pretty!

Latin name: myosotis sylvatica (or so I am given to understand).

But this song originates from the word for the phrase in a completely different language: the Sotho language, which they speak in a small, landlocked African country named Lesotho.  Here:

See?  Tiny, tiny, compared with the rest of the continent (and the world).  But beautiful nonetheless, and sad.  It has one of the highest rates of HIV infection in the world, and it's tragic because everyone deserves to live a long, healthy life.  Well, except for really bad people, but I don't think Lesotho has that many of those.

So, how did I get to writing a song based on a phrase in the Sotho language?  Here's where the long story part comes in.

Earlier this year (March), I fell in love with the House of Windsor.  To date, I have read thirteen books (just this year!) about the House itself, and about its various personages, and I could rattle off the names of every British king - or queen! - since Queen Victoria in the late 1800s.  (But I won't.)  And the history interests me, but so do the people, and who they are today.  And part of who they are today is their charity work, so when one of the books mentioned Prince Harry co-founding a charity for Lesotho (with the nation's own Prince Seeiso), inspired by his trip there during his gap year, I was interested and looked it up.  It's called Sentebale, and it has a beautiful, noble mission: to support and enrich the lives of vulnerable children (particularly those affected in any way by HIV).  And I was moved to action.

Worth noting: in the Sotho (or Sesotho) language, "sentebale" means "forget me not."

I donated some money, but it felt impersonal to me (and I also don't have enough to give, or I'd give everything away), and I wanted to do something sensitive, more heartfelt.  And so I was inspired to write this song (only now am I realising how flimsy it sounds, compared to the fact that donating money might actually help someone live, and live well).

I became obsessed with making this a perfect song, researching the nation (so the natural imagery in the first verse is accurate) and weighing the merits of every word I chose.  I tried to make it multilayered, and I'll explain more after I put it here.

Forget Me Not

you might find me, where the sunshine meets the stone
you might find me, where the grass is overgrown
but few every really come to this spot
you might find me, where the mountain scrapes the sky
you might find me, where shadows come to hide
and although I'm out of sight, forget me not

CHORUS:
there's not a single petal of life too young to care about,
nothing too small
and the more forgotten the seeds, the louder the sound,
when they fall
so when you reach out your hand, hold on with everything you've got
and never let the last word, fall from "forget me not"

you might find me, waving in the wind and in colour
you might find me, with my sisters and my brothers
and although I'm one of many, forget me not
you might find that sometimes, beauty has to bow its head,
where there's only darkness to face instead
and sometimes, it only comes as an afterthought

CHORUS:
there's not a single petal of life too young to care about,
nothing too small
and the more forgotten the seeds, the louder the sound,
when they fall
so when you reach out your hand, hold on with everything you've got
and never let the last word, fall from "forget me not"

you might find me, where old footsteps lead the way
you might find me, where tomorrow begins today
and although I'm not here long, forget me not

BRIDGE:
plant just one seed and it will grow for you,
a dozen flowers of the brightest blue
forget me not, forget me not

CHORUS:
there's not a single petal of life too young to care about,
nothing too small
and the more forgotten the seeds, the louder the sound,
when they fall
so when you reach out your hand, hold on with everything you've got
and never let the last word, fall from "forget me not"

So you see, hopefully, what I mean by multi-layered: "I/me," the narrator, can be the children the foundation is helping, or the flowers (in which case, it would be a delicate kind of metaphor), or the country of Lesotho itself.  As I said, the natural imagery in the opening verse is fairly accurate; then, the second verse introduces just a little bit of a sinister tone, but then it changes right back with the third half-verse, in which optimism mixes with just a little view to the past (the charity is dedicated to both founders' late mothers, which is where "old footsteps" come into significance).

And, of course, with the bridge, it manifestly talks about flowers, but it really doesn't mean just flowers: you don't ever help just one child, because there's a snowball effect of good.  At least, that's what I like to believe.  The chorus was the trickiest part, whereas I was wary of being too heavy-handed about it.

Of course, the actual flower of forget-me-not doesn't actually grow in Lesotho, I don't believe.  But I do rather like the poetry of the whole thing.

...

(The remainder of this blog post has very little to do with music.  So, you have been forewarned, if you do find your attention wearing thin at some point.)

So, to continue on with the narrative with which I started this post (a long, long time ago, doesn't it feel like?), I then decided I would not only write the song, but actually make it count somehow.  So I did something crazy, and wrote a letter to accompany it, and, on 10 June of this year, sent it to Clarence House.  To Prince Harry himself.

It was a rainy morning, and my hand was shaking as I dropped the envelope into the mailbox.  Then I tried my best to forget about it.

(Next, I'm planning to send it the Sentebale headquarters in London.  I just haven't written a good enough letter yet.)

But of course I didn't forget about it, and I kept imagining my letter, with the envelope on which I wrote Prince Harry's name and address by hand in purple ink, as it travelled across the ocean and continued its journey to a city where I myself have not yet been.

And, on 2 July, I got a reply.  FROM BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

I know it's childish to be so excited about this, and you're probably sitting there, rolling your eyes and just about to exit this webpage.  But my hand was, again, shaking as I took the envelope out of the mailbox, amid bills and junk mail, and up the stairs into the kitchen.  The envelope, by the way, had these stamps on it:

(I am, obviously, not including a picture of the entire envelope, replete with my name and address on it.  We are not that intimate with each other, you and I.)

I took a few deep breaths, and I think I even managed to convince myself that it was no big deal, so that when I opened the letter I think I had a split second of a hipster-like moment of just a mild, "Oh, cool," before I very nearly screamed like a fangirl.

Because what followed was this:

Sorry the lighting is so bad.  I would take a better picture of the letter, only I don't have it with me at the moment.  Maybe I'll go back and edit it in later.  But here's a transcription (I left out the address, for she greeted me by name).  (Claudia Spens, M.V.O., is the head of general correspondence for the younger Mountbatten-Windsors.)  She wrote:

Prince Harry has asked me to to thank you for your letter and enclosure of 10th June in connection with your gift for songwriting. 

It was most kind of you to take the trouble to write as you did.  His Royal Highness was touched by your words of support and encouragement and has asked me to thank you very much indeed for the copy of your beautiful song, "Forget Me Not." 

Prince Harry has asked me to send you his warmest thanks for writing and his very best wishes. 

So, yes, I have no idea if HRH actually read it.  But she did, Ms. Claudia Spens read it, and for me, that's enough.  And the letter has Prince Harry's beautiful initial/crest on it, which is nice.

See?

I apologise if it seems as though this post is dripping with self-importance (I assure you, it was not my intention), but I just felt as though the story went with the song, and I wanted to be true to it.

Anyway, that was my drama for the summer.  My moment of glory, me touching a corner of greatness.  There was a time I carried the letter around with me wheresoever I went, but I don't anymore.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

The smallest parts of who you are, are everything to me.

Finding out you're only human is hard / I want to change the world, but I don't know where to start / and I am fool enough to believe, there's hope among the ruin...

Slow Dancing on the Edge of a Flame

Okay, people, bear with.  It's time for a story that has very little relevance to the song at hand.

Once upon a time, I was in high school.  I know.  Crazy.

And, in my tenth grade pre-calculus class, there was a guy who sat one seat up and one seat over from where I used to sit.  One shirt he wore more often than any other (and I notice things like that, even if I don't remember what he looked like), and it was from a concert of some artist or other; I think it may have been John Mayer (?).  On the back of the shirt (which was the only thing I saw, sitting behind him as I did) was a list of the artist's songs - one of which was "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room."  Ever since then, I have loved that phrase.  I've never actually cared enough to go look it up, or to look up the song itself, but I have always remembered it.  I guess it's sort of grown in my mind to a really amazing image and a really evocative song - and I don't even know if it is.  I just know that some part of the title to this song was inspired by that long-ago shirt.

(It wasn't that long ago.  Let's not go nuts.)

And here is the song.  More afterwards.

Slow- Dancing on the Edge of a Flame

whenever you cross my mind, I wonder if you know

my resolve not to fall for you goes up in smoke

like moths to a candle we draw each other in

we melt 'til I can't tell where we end or begin

and the embers, they fall onto subway tracks

and it feels like there's no going back

CHORUS:

and every time I see you it's always the same

it's like we're slow-dancing on the edge of a flame

you say, "we're just close enough to warm our hearts,"

but maybe one more step is a step too far

if playing with fire is such a dangerous thing,

why does it feel so damn good and exciting?

I touch your face and I want to fall deeper

like catching a firefly and wanting to keep her

so we go on and glow, for as long as we can

and I'll take it, when you offer your hand

CHORUS:

and every time I see you it's always the same

it's like we're slow-dancing on the edge of a flame

you say, "we're just close enough to warm our hearts,"

but maybe one more step is a step too far

still I don't, I don't care if you burn me

BRIDGE:

we might light up like fireworks, or turn into ashes

either way, it might be safer to break all the matches

still I don't, I don't care if you burn me

we were never going to shine eternally

CHORUS:

and every time I see you it's always the same

it's like we're slow-dancing on the edge of a flame

you say, "we're just close enough to warm our hearts,"

but maybe one more step is a step too far

still I don't, I don't care if you burn me

we were never going to shine eternally

no, I don't care if you burn me

we were never going to flame eternally... (end)

To me, this is a beautiful song.  I know that's self-serving and all, but I really like it.  I really like the concept, and the way the fire motif and imagery really carry through all the way (also notice how the chorus builds continually throughout the song, just as a fire/flame grows).  I hope it's not too much - just as with "Coda," the song/music imagery there.  I just really like the double meaning/possibility/connotation of the image, of slow dancing on the edge of a flame - it's kind of exciting and dangerous and thrilling and cautionary and bad and good all in one.  Flame can mean actual fire, of course, or it can mean love here, and I think that's what really makes this song work.  When it first crossed my mind, I meant it as the dangerous alternative, but I think what I love so much about it is that there's always the possibility that it's not that dangerous.  It's like being with someone you know isn't good but who does it all for you.

Also recall the line in "Less in Love" that was, "I guess I only held you like smoke."  There's that connection, too.  Which I actually put down on the paper on which I was writing this song, because I thought it was ever so clever.  My resolve not to fall for you goes up in smoke...

Oh, and I love the firefly line.  There's something so beautiful yet ephemeral about fireflies, and I thought that was perfect and significant in the context in which it was.  Oh, and also, the part about the embers falling onto subway tracks: that started as "the flowers, they fall onto subway tracks," and I really liked the sound of it (even though I realised, after that inspirational subway carried me home, that it had actually been my library card that fell on the subway tracks that day, out of the pocket of my coat, which was a very sad experience (I'd had it since I was seven)).  But it didn't fit into this song, even though I really wanted to keep the subway tracks (it's like a way out but a way in, too), so I'm thankful that the word "embers" occurred to me when it did, because it is kind of perfect.

The Glee tribute episode to Cory Monteith was kind of perfect, too.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

I can't decide if it's a choice, getting swept away.

And I hope that I don't fall in love with you.

Coda

So, you know what songs I have recently discovered, and love?  One is "Royals," by Lorde.  And another is "Dust to Dust," by The Civil Wars (who are this great duo on whom I've apparently been completely missing out).  Also, "Lips of An Angel," by Hinder (this made me cry, even though it's an uptempo Nickelback-type rock song), and "Try," by P!nk (good to listen to while working out - "just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die").  Lots of fun.

Oh, and I can't forget "High Noon (Do Not Forsake Me, Oh My Darlin')."  It's from the film High Noon, and won the Academy Award for Best Original Song in 1953 - and it's such a good song.  With or without the movie (even though the movie is pretty fantastic as well - Grace Kelly!).

I also recently discovered that the woman who sings "Colours of the Wind," from, yes, Pocahontas is actually the same woman (Judy Kuhn), who voiced Florence in the disastrous 1988 Broadway version of Chess!  My favourite musical!  (Even if not at all my favourite version!)  It was a "fan-girling" moment for me.

So, yeah.  Good times.

And we're moving on.

You know what a coda is, right?  It's mostly used in symphonic performances and classical music, when a piece seems to end and then the music swells once more and replays a few bars of the dominant melody, an echo to an earlier moment in the piece, and then ends after that.  (And yes, that is the technical definition.)  (Not really.)

So that's the image I was going for in the song - likening the relationship to a musical piece that had a little bit more left in it, a coda as the extra to their relationship.  As such, I wanted to excite as much musical imagery as I could, without seeming too over-the-top; I also occasionally balanced it out with natural imagery (there's a fire motif, for example).

This song all began with a single phrase: "blaze of fury."  A play on "blaze of glory," I think.  A line about cymbals followed, and I loved that for the way it really seems to capture the way things went down.  But aside from that.  I think I started this song in February or so, but it took a long while to fully form.  The chorus was the most difficult part, to formulate and to finalise.  Oh, I also like the bridge - it may be a bit wordy, but it also says a lot about the coda itself.  I think if you're in something that you know will be short-lived, you want to make it as pleasant as possible, so I let my protagonists not be weighed down by any concerns (or arguments, hence the "trying not to say," trying not to lay blame) other than the music around them - and when it's hard to say something, you let something else, anything else (a song, a Hallmark card) say it for you.  And it all tied nicely together with my musical theme, so I used it and I like it.

And then I also love "we were a chord that turned minor, somewhere along the way" - it's just such a succinct, imagery-laden way to express that things were good until they went bad and discordant.  Of course, the best word to use would have been "dyad," because there were only two people in the relationship*, but that's a little more of an obscure musical term and I wanted this to be approachable.

*Otherwise it would have been a bit crowded.  Ha.

The rest I will let you discover for yourself.

Coda

we went out in a blaze of fury
with the drama of a symphony, but with none of the thrill
like cymbals crashing wildly and then, suddenly, are still
and so it felt kind of bittersweet
when we were both here tonight, and between us passed a moment
that reignited all the things we must have been

CHORUS:
I thought this was over, our song played out
a beat of silence took too long, and built up a little rust
but like a melody that comes back around
we took a breath and realised we had one more week left in us
and this is our coda, our coda

somehow it was easy to break the pause,
going back to our old harmonies, and trying not to say,
we were a chord that turned minor, somewhere along the way
now our heartbeat's as loud as it ever was
and the notes stay the same, even if we don't follow the rules
because unlike before, we have nothing to lose

CHORUS:
I thought this was over, our song played out
a beat of silence took too long, and built up a little rust
but like a melody that comes back around
we took a breath and realised we had one more week left in us
and this is our coda, our coda

BRIDGE:
so we let the songs playing in the background say all the things we were feeling
and we let the songs playing all around fill up the time that we were stealing
we took advantage of the chance to rekindle what we had,
but all the same we always knew it still wouldn't last
so we played along the best we could until the echo faded,
until we went out in a blaze of fury all over again

CHORUS:
I thought this was over, our song played out
a beat of silence took too long, and built up a little rust
but like a melody that comes back around
we took a breath and realised we had one more week left in us
and that was our coda, our coda

I'm grateful that despite the dust,
we had one more week left in us
thank you for our coda, our coda...

Of course, I realise, now, that there is some kind of shifting of tenses going on there.  It felt natural to me as I was writing it, but if it's distracting (which it may or may not be) I should go and try to change it.  Let me know.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

I see clearer in the rearview mirror than I ever did looking out over the hood.

I guess we never really moved on.

Less in Love

I'm going to do a little something different with this one.  Switchin' it up, so to speak.  I'm going to have the song first, and then I'll talk about it afterwards.  I feel like that would make more sense, at least for this one.  I finished this sometime in early May (having gotten the idea in early April), and I really loved it then.  And, of course, still do.  It is, in many ways, my most finished and polished song, I think.  But I will let you be the judge of that.

So.  Catch you on the other side of,

Less in Love

you said, "I could stay forever this way,"

and that was maybe my favourite day

there was something so warm in your eyes, even though the sky outside was grey

oh, we made hot chocolate and we sat down on the floor

I told you how I'm scared of spiders and revolving doors

you laughed when I said changing lightbulbs must be easy for you

because you were the tallest man that I ever knew

and then you started whistling the song they were playing the night I met you

CHORUS:

but I don't think I'd go back, even if I could

because only bad things happen, to end something so good

and even as I picture us, it's becoming clearer to me

that I was ever less in love with you, than with the memories

we stayed all day in each other's arms,

and Christmas music played, even though it was March

then we turned on some movie, when staying awake got a little too hard

we talked over the film, because we knew it by heart

and watched each other's faces, at our favourite parts

and I might never have grown tired of you looking at me

because that made me everything I've always wanted to be

and you always kissed me on the forehead just as I was falling asleep

CHORUS:

but I don't think I'd go back, even if I could

because only bad things happen, to end something so good

and even as I picture us, it's becoming clearer to me

that I was ever less in love with you, than with the memories

BRIDGE:

I guess I only held you like smoke,

I read too much in your face

I must have been alone in forever,

because you threw us away

it was good, it was sweet,

we were doomed, you and me

I used to be afraid of losing you,

but I think somehow I've made it through

still it'll take some time for a spider not to send me screaming for you

for now I dance by myself, to songs only I know

and I don't have to worry about you stepping on my toes

if I'd been less in love, I could have been first to let go

instead of left stranded, out here in the cold

but if I keep playing it all back again, I can't ever be alone

CHORUS:

but I don't think I'd go back, even if I could

because only bad things happen, to end something so good

and even as I picture us, it's becoming clearer to me

that I was ever less in love with you, than with the memories

I was ever less in love with you, than with the memories

This song.  I love this song, as vain as it may be to say so, mostly because it has so many elements, but they all seem to fit well together.  The line, "that was maybe my favourite day," was the first to come to me - and I feel as though the word "maybe" makes it so much more profound than it would have been without it.  Then the first two lines of the chorus came, already attached to the melody I hear when I read this song back (sorry that you can't!).  The second of those lines, "because only bad things happen, to end something so good," was actually inspired by something one guy said on The Bachelorette one season.  (It's a habit, I can't stop myself watching it.)  This guy, Ben, who later became the next worst ever Bachelor, as he was leaving the Bachelorette upon getting turned down, said, "Good things don't end unless they end badly."  And I'll never forget it because I remember loving it at the time.  So, here, I sort of appropriated it for my own uses, in a paraphrase, and tried to imbue the line with the feeling that although the scenes from that maybe-favourite day were part of something good, she wouldn't go back because then she'd have to endure the something bad all over again.  And it was bad enough to overpower the good.  That's the point of the song.

The final two lines of the chorus came as one of the last things I wrote for the song (it was a strange scenario, where I was writing everything else but didn't know what the chorus would really feel like yet, what the title of the song was), and it came from something I saw online.  It's a picture that someone posted somewhere of a page in a book (?) that reads, "How do you know when it's over?  Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you." I wrote it down so I'd remember it verbatim, and because I was so in awe of it.  So that's the tone I wanted to convey, but of course I had to put my own slightly-convoluted spin on it.  I also was thinking about switching up one of the choruses and having the word "possibilities" take the place of "memories" - because being more in love with possibilities than with the actual person is probably also something that happens sometimes.  But then, it didn't feel right here, because the song is a tableau of memory, not of possibility.

I also love the spiders and revolving doors line.  Not actual spiders and revolving doors, to be sure.  But the line, and how it comes back up at the end.

I also think the trans-versal juxtaposition of being "stranded out here in the cold" with the "something so warm in your eyes, even though the sky outside was grey" is a nice one.  It was almost accidentally profound.

But yeah.  I think that's it.  The last three/four lines of the second verse kind of kill me because I find them to be so real and extraordinarily, delicately beautiful.

Thoughts?

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

Photo album on the counter, your cheeks're turning red / you used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed / your mother's telling stories about you on the T-ball team / you tell me 'bout your past, thinking your future was me / and I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do / and I forget about you long enough, to forget why I needed to / but there we are again...

And Her Name is Lonely

I consider this song a great triumph.  And my friend, to whom I've been sending these things during the various hiatuses of the blog, said it was his new favourite and "something truly special."

Not to toot my own horn, of course.  Please feel free to disagree.

But sometimes things crash into your mind, and all you can do is listen.  This is one of those things - it just appeared in my head out of nowhere, and all I could do was try to capture it and write it down.  So I'm proud of it, but for some reason don't feel as though I can entirely take all the credit for it (even though it was completely my work).

It happened during the week I had been working on "Left Behind."  And then, on a Thursday (and not just any Thursday - 14 February, Valentine's Day), I was waiting at the bus stop and a phrase flew into my mind: "And her name is Lonely."  With the "and," and the capital "L," and everything, which to me just begged to be used.  And it was like the whole song just spread out before me, and I couldn't wait to start writing it down.

So I won't really describe it too much, because there's not much to say that's not in the song already.  And being too verbose about it beforehand might ruin the effect of it.  Just some technical stuff: there isn't much of a chorus, specifically - a few lines do repeat, but they're mostly attached to the verses, so there's a flow that doesn't necessarily need a chorus.  The way the penultimate line of each verse in my mind sounds is quite dramatic, with cymbals crashing and drums (like in "The Moment I Knew," one of the bonus tracks off of Red).  A sort of escalation in instrumentation, if you will.  Retrospectively, I started thinking that maybe it's my own sort of response to my favourite Sugarland song, "Little Miss."  For instance, response to lines like, "little miss I'll take less when I always give so much more"; and "little miss hid your scars / little miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about."  It's a genius song, and it hits home every time.  But this was an after-the-fact thought, so my song is just that: mine.

Because, I know this girl.  I am this girl.

And Her Name is Lonely

she's not the kind of girl that you would notice on the street
with a face you can't remember, and her shadow passing quietly
she never ruffles any feathers, always tries so hard to please
and the world that doesn't see her is exactly the one she sees
she comes home every evening, where "Eleanor Rigby" plays on repeat
she hums along with the melody,
and her name, her name, her name is Lonely
and her name is Lonely

she developed a habit of saying "I'm sorry" with every breath that she takes
because someone once broke her by saying she was in the way
now she waits to be asked before she'll open her mouth to speak
and she bites her tongue to keep herself humble and meek
she comes home every evening, where "Eleanor Rigby" plays on repeat
she hums along with the melody,
and her name, her name, her name is Lonely
and her name is Lonely

BRIDGE:
sometimes she searches for something to destroy
when the stillness closes in on her
and she sings in the shower, just to hear her own voice
but the silence is still taking over

(break in music)
she comes home every evening, where "Eleanor Rigby" plays on repeat
she hums along with the melody,
(music escalates, rejoins)
and her name, her name, her name is Lonely
and her name is Lonely

she's fallen in love with a man she likes to pretend is real
because at the very least it gives her something to feel
she stays up late at night thinking 'bout how her life could be
but maybe she'd be something great with just a few more hours' sleep
she comes home every evening, where "Piano Man" plays on repeat
she's uncertain and shy, but mostly, mostly:
her name, her name, her name is Lonely
and her name is Lonely

So there it is.  It's one of the more personal ones, I suppose.  I didn't even need to make anything up, because I know all of this a little too well.  I wonder what you think about it.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

You and I know, how the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving / you'll be dancing once again, and the pain will end.

Loved You Best

As promised, this is the pseudo-follow-up to the previous song, to "Charming."  They both work as stand-alone songs, but I think they're imbued with a little bit more meaning when put together in such close proximity and chronology.  They're bookends, if you will.  "Charming" was kind of the beginning of a story, and "Loved You Best" is the end of it.  Well, basically, all of the songs posted this year have been the end, but there is a direct link, obviously, between those two specifically.  The whole charming thing.  Which you'll see.

And once you read it, hopefully, you'll see why "Loved You Best" is the continuation of the evening described in "Charming."  As I said, the charming part of somebody is the way you get drawn into wanting to know him or her better, but the "when you weren't being charming, is when I loved you best" (from the chorus of the song below) is all the moments afterwards, when the walls of trying to impress somebody come down and you don't have to try to be cute or appealing and can just be completely yourself because you know he won't mind and that's the best part.  So this is a song that speaks to that, the moments beyond the charisma and the construction of the charm, the moments when it was isolated from anyone who was on the outside looking in, the moments when it was okay to be crazy and fearless and stupid and joyful and funny (I love the line "we were funny before we got too stressed"), because it was just two people.  No one was judging, no one else was there when the walls came down, who wouldn't understand the relationship.  So, yeah.

I might be repeating myself here, from the previous post.

So I'll move on and try to explain where this song came from, as itself.  And the truth is that I have no idea how I came up with this song so quickly; I was writing one song during class one April Wednesday earlier this year, and then this one came out of nowhere.  I'd been mulling around the final line in the chorus (the "charming" one) for a long time, and I had the first two lines waiting for me on my iPhone notes application, also for a while, but I originally meant them in a different context.  It's kind of strange how that happens, that something which seemed right in one circumstance suddenly makes more sense in quite another.  But it was astonishing, how this song came out of that.  Suddenly, I'd found my "Holy Ground," referencing the song from Taylor Swift's Red.  And what was even more amazing was that I still have so many phrases and memories and lines that I wanted to put into a song, but it was too much to fit just into this one.  I've been writing so many sad and lonely songs lately (more coming) that it felt kind of wonderful to write this one, focusing on happier things, more positive things.  There's always something good that can come out of the bad, I think.  I always try to look for a silver lining, no matter how difficult it can be.

So, yeah.  I really like this song.  It's lighthearted, and it tries (I say "tries," because I don't want to be too assertive or self-congratulatory in saying that it flat-out does) to capture that joy and exuberance and ease and youth.  For instance, I can't get over that phrase, "it was wonderful and crazy" - I don't know why.  But at the same time, the undercurrent is that you (the reader, you) know it doesn't last, so the fleetingness of the moments being described comes across with a certain bittersweetness that is beautiful in its own delicate way.

Enjoy.

Loved You Best

do you remember, I was sixteen and you were everything I wanted to know
together, we were stardust and a firecracker, and we weren't exactly taking it slow
we used to drive to a place we picked on the map, and we wouldn't tell a soul
and I loved to be in the car with you, your arm hanging out the window
we'd turn on the radio, and make up new words to every song we knew
our cocoon of steel shut out the world 'til it was just me and you

CHORUS:
and that's how I remember it, the time I passed with you
it was wonderful and crazy, and went by just a little too fast
looking back now and then it still leaves me kind of breathless
that we were funny before we got too stressed
you were mine before you were anyone else's
and when you weren't being charming, is when I loved you best

it's been a while, but still the sound I remember most is both of us laughing
together, we were sunrise and a hurricane, and we made silly faces in photographs
we used to stay up late for no reason but that we didn't want to sleep
and I loved feeling like we were the only two awake in the whole city
we'd close the door and be far away from people who could ridicule
and we wore out the bedroom floorboards dancing around like a pair of fools

CHORUS:
and that's how I remember it, the time I passed with you
it was wonderful and crazy, and went by just a little too fast
looking back now and then it still leaves me kind of breathless
that we were funny before we got too stressed
you were mine before you were anyone else's
and when you weren't being charming, is when I loved you best

and I loved that all the girls that were dying to know you never had a prayer
and in all the time I don't think there was a single second I was scared

CHORUS:
and that's how I remember it, the time I passed with you
it was wonderful and crazy, and went by just a little too fast
looking back now and then, it still leaves me kind of breathless
that we were funny before we got too stressed
you were mine before you were anyone else's
and when you weren't being charming, is when I loved you best

(outro:)
I loved you in starlight, I loved you in bare feet
I loved you in sunglasses, and I loved you with me
I loved you in black and white, I loved you in red
I loved you in army green, and I loved you best
I loved you in starlight, I loved you in bare feet
I loved you in sunglasses, and I loved you with me
I loved you in black and white, I loved you in red
when you weren't charming, is when I loved you best

Oh, man.  "You were mine before you were anyone else's" just struck me as so beautiful.

I also think there's something nice about saying "I loved you best" instead of "I loved you most."  I don't quite know what it is about that phrasing, but it somehow means more.  I don't know.

But maybe you do.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

You carried romance in the palm of your hand, you called the plays for us...and it drove me, and it drove me, and it drove me wild.

Charming

This is a song I love, one that will herald in a quasi-new "period," so to speak, of my songs.  It's the one that most, out of all of the songs I've ever written, speaks to the little girl in me (and that part of my mind that is still) fascinated by fairy tales and romantic, carefree stories that are meaningful in their meaninglessness.

Welcome.

This is also a song I wrote about three times.  Once, a long time ago.  (No, not once upon a time - too early.)  And then, because I wrote a song called "Loved You Best," which is upcoming and is thoroughly connected to "Charming," I wanted to revisit it.  And I couldn't find it.  So I tried to re-create it.  But as I was doing so, earlier this year, I misplaced that sheet of looseleaf as well, so I had to start again.  And that is the version you will see here, transcribed.

So, no, this is not the "original," as it were.  I have filled three notebooks with songs, but I am only left with two now, so I think this might have been a casualty of that.  For better or worse, I suppose.  Instead, I set about trying to recreate it from memory, which is a bit more difficult than it may sound (unless, of course, it does actually sound difficult).  I remembered a few of the major themes, and the bridge is basically a carbon copy of the original, I think.  So what you get here is a melding of sorts, of the person and the writer I used to be when I wrote it originally and of the person and writer I am now.

And I hope you'll see what I mean by that.  There's a nice, sweet, almost magical confluence of more childish images (the happily ever after, for starters, or the glass slipper moment) and the feeling of nostalgia (as in the second verse).  And when I introduce you to "Loved You Best," I'll get more into it, too, but this is the precursor to all that.  The charming part of somebody is how one gets drawn into wanting to know him/her better.  And that's what you have here - it's a song about being drawn into loving somebody. And it doesn't matter how long the "I think I could love you for a while" ends up being - a single night, or six and a half years, or forever.  Because it started with a dance, it started with an evening, and it started with someone being charming.

But then, of course, you have the "charming" meaning a little something else, as well.  Because, obviously, the fairytale imagery is STRONG here (maybe a little too much, but that's what makes it sweet).  I used so much from what I remembered, to make it work.  I think a part of everyone is just searching for the pieces to fit right - like a pair of glass slippers being made to fit just one person - and wants to feel like nothing is going to go wrong, especially with a beginning that's perfect, and that there really will be a happily ever after, etc.  So the use of the word "charming" is deliberate - namely, as in Prince Charming.  And there's an additional bit of cleverness that I won't go into, but it's something that makes it all just a little more meaningful than is inherent in the multilayered themes.

Additionally, you might be able to figure out why all of my recent songs incorporated an image of dancing.  It started with this.

Charming

your eyes were the first thing I saw, following me across the room
and I don't think anything's ever shined so bright
I should have prepared my heart, for what I was getting it into
but I didn't know, when I walked in here tonight
that you would be so charming, I'd want you to be mine
I heard about someone like you, once upon a time

CHORUS:
out of everyone in this crowded room, you're the only one I want to know better
and it's like I can't stop grinning like crazy, 'cause that's what you do to me
you catch my eye with a wink and a smile
and it makes me think I could love you for a while
careful now, or you might have me dreaming for once about happily ever after

it's just one moment in a life, but I'll remember it always
how you came over and asked me to dance right there
our hands met and I caught my breath, so close that I could touch your face
and I don't know who tried harder not to stare
all the lights in the room lit up your hair like a crown
and you looked at me like I was the only girl around

CHORUS:
out of everyone in this crowded room, you're the only one I want to know better
and it's like I can't stop grinning like crazy, 'cause that's what you do to me
you catch my eye with a wink and a smile
and it makes me think I could love you for a while
careful now, or you might have me dreaming for once about happily ever after

BRIDGE:
would you mind if I called you beautiful tonight?
you're charming and crazy, you've brought me to life
I hope I didn't dream this, don't let me be wrong
shouldn't you have a glass slipper for us* to try on?

CHORUS:
out of everyone in this crowded room, you're the only one I want to know better
and it's like I can't stop grinning like crazy, 'cause that's what you do to me
you catch my eye with a wink and a smile
and you whisper, "I think I could love you for a while"
careful now, or you might have me dreaming for once about happily ever after
oh, you've gotten me dreaming for once about happily ever after

your eyes were the first thing I saw, following me across the room
and I don't think anything's ever shined so bright... (end)

*This is something that could have been corny but ended up being really great.  Of course, the traditional fairytale image is the guy (that is, Prince Charming) whipping out a glass slipper for Cinderella to try on, to see whether or not she fits, which would mean that she's The One.  But including him in this phrase (as in, having the word "us" rather than "me"), in this more modern image, makes it all just a little less idealised, and a little more inclusive and unified.

At least I think so.  I wonder what you might think.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

And I don't know how it gets better than this / you take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless.  And I don't know why, but with you, I'd dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless.

Left Behind

And so, now we have this song.

But first, something I haven't done in a while: mention new music which has caught my ears and captured my heart.  (Okay, so that was lame and cheesy.  Getting away from the point.)  First, I would like to mention Tegan and Sara.  AMAZING.  They're an indie-rock duo from Canada (identical twin sisters, too), and their music (particularly the most recent album, Heartthrob) is just brilliant.  I got the CD barely two weeks ago, and it has gotten to the point with me that I can't remember what my life was like before I heard their songs.  Of course, "Closer" is the pair's biggest hit, but I don't think it's the best song.  My favourites are "Now I'm All Messed Up" and "How Come You Don't Want Me," although honourable mentions go to "I Was a Fool," "Drove Me Wild," and "I'm Not Your Hero."  Or you could just listen to the album and see (as it were) for yourself.

The other bit of new music is just a single song, "I Hope That I Don't Fall in Love With You."  It's Tom Waits, I think, originally, but I'm particularly fond of the Marc Cohn cover which was in a film I watched recently.  The music is wonderful, but the lyrics just get me.  They radiate such delicate, extraordinary beauty-laced-with-pain.  I hope that I don't fall in love with you / 'cause falling in love just makes me blue / the music plays, and you display your heart for me to see...  Oh, it's just beautiful.  I could go on, but I promise I won't.  Just check it out, please.

And now here I go with my own song.  As promised.

Now, I really ought to try and explain its origins, and its conception, and perhaps even its meaning, but at the same time I feel as though it sort of defies explanation.  What more is there to say about it that isn't in the song already?  Plenty, probably, just none of it seems to want to come out right now.  You'll see pretty quickly (right from the "chorus," which begins the song, or at least from the last line of the first verse) that it has something to do with a soldier.  But, it's not in the way that you might think.

Because I get it - I write country music (or what I think is country music), and country music is ostensibly America's genre, right?  So it depends heavily on military stories for song inspiration, and on patriotic themes, and if even as a joke between songs in a set you say, for example, that you are ashamed that the President is from Texas, you get black-listed (I am a fan of the Dixie Chicks, by the way).  Right?  But you see, I am a pacifist, and have always been a little too selfish to be able to identify with a military story enough to want to write a song about it.  Up until the moment I found myself far too close to one to keep myself away from writing this song, that is.  (And a few others.)  Although there are so many reasons why the inspiration for the song will never actually read it (but don't worry, his not coming home is not one of them, mostly because he did, in fact, come home), but that doesn't mean I didn't borrow things he has said, and insert them into it.  He'd know, for instance, if he were to stumble upon it somehow, that he's the man in the song.  But it's not a military song in the way that country usually does it (which is in a very patriotic, sympathetic way).  And that's addressed right off the bat, I think.  When I made the decision to have the "chorus" begin the song, I did so because I knew I wouldn't have to go into a long, drawn-out explanation as to the song's subject in the first verse, because it would introduce it from the beginning instead, in a more subtle, nuanced way, which thrilled me.  And then as the song develops throughout the verses, more and more of the backstory comes out - and it's really just the story of a girl lying awake and missing someone, as one would miss a recent ex, only that it is in the context of them not only having broken up but him having gone off to war, so she's both heartbroken and worried for him, both sad/lonely and trying to get over him at the same time.  This is such an emotional song, to the point where writing it was exhausting and had to be done in small doses (over a long period of time - I came up with the concept in January or so, and finished it for good only in April), but it's not too in-your-face about it.  There's a stoicism behind her emotion, as well as a yearning behind her rationalism.  And part of it is that it's written to suggest it's a letter, so there's the connotation of that distance, but also a sort of omnipresent intimacy (in that you know she's talking to him but also she knows she won't be sending it so that allows it to be just a bit more honest than if she were actually going to send it).  If any of this makes any sense.

Sorry for the long paragraph.

I've just realised how much I like to analyse my own songs.  Oh, well.  Here's one more thing to look out for: see if you can catch the subtle - or perhaps, not-so-subtle - words and phrases that have double meanings, both civilian and military (hint: "conquer"; "occupied"; "martyr"; and even "fight" in the second verse can be seen as the war, which was the original context, or the "fight we had before you went overseas" mentioned in the first verse, which occurred to me after I had written the song and the realisation nearly knocked my off my seat).  Just some fun stuff.

And I think by now you may have had enough of an exposition to the song.  So, finally, here's:

Left Behind

this is a letter I won't ever send
it's not so much a "Dear John," as an "I wish you were here tonight"
and so much for thinking that writing it would help,
'cause now I'm not only missing you, but I'm feeling left behind

these words that I'm writing I wouldn't ever dare say, but I know you can't hear me tonight
maybe I should start with something like "how are you," maybe I should say I'm alright
but I remember well the fight we had before you went overseas
so I don't want to waste your time, if you've been getting over me
and I'm guessing you've forgotten what such pleasantries are for
since there it's "take a life to save a life, " but I know nothing of war
all I know is loneliness has settled in, and I can't fall asleep
because I gave my heart to a milit'ry man to keep

this is a letter I won't ever send
it's not so much a "Dear John," as an "I wish you were here tonight"
and so much for thinking that writing it would help,
'cause now I'm not only missing you, but I'm feeling left behind

I wonder just how much this fight will change you, and if you will ever be the same
these months without you might just make me understand exactly why you had to go away
but now I can't even call your phone, whenever I would like
and I'm not convinced that I would answer, if you were to call mine
because sometimes love doesn't conquer all, whatever I believed
but this distance and our silence say more than could any words like these
I've heard "absence makes the heart grow fonder," but mine's only more confused
about our once-sweet meant-to-be we made a mess of, and misused

this is a letter I won't ever send
it's not so much a "Dear John," as an "I wish you were here tonight"
and so much for thinking that writing it would help,
'cause now I'm not only missing you, but I'm feeling left behind

lately my days feel more like a string of bad daydreams, but it's better than facing the truth
'cause it scares me that if we die you're the one who wins, and if you come back, I lose
you've always found this life exciting, but I feel like a martyr
with you travelling and moving on, this isn't our adventure
I've signed every letter "love, my name," since I first held a pen
but here that wouldn't be right, because we broke up before you went
maybe in my heart I always knew I couldn't keep you occupied
not when you spent your time being too much army, not enough mine

And there's no "chorus" to end the song, because I think that last line is just powerful enough to drive the point home without having to fall back into the "chorus" one last time.  It is, so to speak, killer.

Anyway, there it is.  Thanks, as always, for reading.

Next two songs coming up: "Charming" and "Loved You Best."  In that order.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

So what happened to bulletproof weeks in your arms?...What happened to thinking the world was flat? / What happened, yeah, what happened to that?

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much / but maybe this thing was a masterpiece, 'til you tore it all up...

Weren't We

As promised.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend - the last full one of August.  Crazy.  My Sunday was spent at a pig roast with a bunch of chefs (please excuse the passive voice), and it was lovely.

Except that one of them looked exactly - and I mean EXACTLY - like somebody that I used to know, only with dark hair (actually making him even more my type than his blonder doppelgänger).  And I felt bad for becoming instantly withdrawn upon being introduced to him, because obviously he didn't know the history there, and he had no way of knowing that I'm not usually that way, or that just seeing him look so much like someone I used to fruitlessly love was breaking me apart all over again.

So while all that was happening, I just said, "Hi, nice to meet you," after which he walked off with his girlfriend, and I limped off after my sister, having slammed my foot into a sharp, painful something a little while before.  (It's still swollen.)

But aside from that, it was really a nice - not to mention delicious - way to spend the last Sunday in August.

And now let me move on, to discuss the song you are about to read (unless, of course, you've already closed the window in which this blog appeared on your Internet browser and haven't gotten this far).  It's called, as you have probably noticed, "Weren't We."

When I originally thought of the song (sometime in March), I meant the choruses (the various "weren't we..."s) to be a way to honour something that used to be.  Something that was really great and wonderful and flawless for a while.  I meant it purely as celebration.

But then I connected it to a first verse I had arbitrarily come up with a week earlier, that fully rhymed upon conception (which is rare), and it took on a whole new meaning.  The "weren't we..."s became a lament, in addition to a celebration, and it was so powerful I was nearly bowled over.  They became a bereavement, a plea, a yearning, but also a sort of reproach, and took on a life of their own that completely overshadowed what I had as the second verse.

So I wrote it (during a Wednesday evening class about the history of the American financial system, I might add), and set it aside, knowing that I wasn't completely satisfied with it.  And then, as I was waiting for the train home and kind of talking to myself, as I do, I pulled out the sheets of paper upon which I write songs (I have about seven, no joke, seven shoved loosely into my folder) and read it over again.  And then I was on the train, surrounded by people who couldn't care less about the internal adventure I was living, when it hit me.  A new "weren't we..." took over what I had already written ("young and joyous" was the original, but then I came down with "invincible / ...bulletproof and beautiful" in place of "weren't we beautiful..." etc) and I suddenly had to sit down - thankfully, at this point, we had hit a station where a lot of people get out - and restructure most of the song.

The train was bumpy, and some of my handwriting came out kind of loopy, but I was on fire.  There were two policemen, I think, standing right by where I was sitting, and I swear they were staring at me in disbelief, because of the way I was scribbling like a madwoman, with my purple pen (of course, I only saw their shoes, but the feeling stands).  But I knew that inspiration had struck my memories like a match, and ignited something amazing I just had to get out on paper, so I didn't care.  By the time I got home, I had one line left to write, and that came to me a little after midnight that same day.  Then, I was spent.  And it was done.

The subject is the same as in "From Across the Room," and "Left Behind," which will be the next post.  Promise.

Weren't We

have you ever noticed how it always rains on Tuesdays,
no matter where we happen to be?
I remember you once saying there's good luck in all the rain,
but now I think I disagree

CHORUS:
weren't we young and joyous?
weren't we young and joyous?
didn't we have the whole world before us?
weren't we invincible?
weren't we invincible?
weren't we bulletproof and beautiful?

it was like slow motion, watching all of that break down
and standing there covered in the dust
I could feel myself suddenly fading into the background
staring at those pieces of us

CHORUS:
weren't we invincible?
weren't we invincible?
weren't we bulletproof and beautiful?
weren't we triumphant?
weren't we triumphant?
didn't we have all that we could want?

BRIDGE:
a part of me will always hurt, a part of me will love,
and most of me will feel that I was never good enough

CHORUS:
weren't we triumphant?
weren't we triumphant?
didn't we have all that we could want?
weren't we young and joyous?
weren't we young and joyous?
didn't we have the whole world before us?

I remember you once saying that nothing can be planned,
and now I think I understand

CHORUS:
weren't we young and joyous?
weren't we young and joyous?
didn't we have the whole world before us?
weren't we invincible?
weren't we invincible?
weren't we bulletproof and beautiful?
weren't we triumphant?
weren't we triumphant?
didn't we have all that we could want?
weren't we young and joyous?
weren't we young and joyous?
didn't we have the whole world before us?
didn't we have the whole world before us?
didn't we have our whole lives before us?

I really like how the phrases rotate from one chorus to another, revealing another different emotional side to the piece.  And I know that's a lot of question marks, but I hope that you'll agree that they were all necessary.  So there it is, and please do let me know what you think.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

All that I know is I don't know how to be something you'd miss / never thought we'd have a last kiss / never imagined we'd end like this / your name, forever the name on my lips...

p.s.  Major disclosure:  I like the phrase "pieces of us," from the last line of the second verse, so much, that if I had a record deal that's what I would name my album.  It's a perfect name for a collection of these songs.

Next up, "Left Behind," as I said.

How It Feels

Okay, I know I said I would be back with this post during the weekend (not this past weekend, of course, but the previous one), but please excuse my delay.  Sometimes I give myself a deadline for something, and then willfully surpass it.  It's a horrible habit, I know.  But there it is.

And here is this.  As I mentioned before, this is another song that is not my favourite that I've ever written.  I came up with it last winter, finishing it around 6 December, but something about it has always continued to feel unfinished for me.  I think it's the chorus.

But I'll get to that in a little bit.  First, as usual, I'd like to explain the song itself.  It's not, as I've said, my favourite.  There are parts that kind of make me cringe (as the writer, of course - they probably won't have the same effect on you as the reader, I hope), but at the same time, it also features one of my favourite lines that I've ever written.  So there's that.

I'm posting it now, because it is the first song (chronologically and emotionally), the first piece in which I address the story which prompted tens of other songs (I'm not even exaggerating with that number; I have about thirteen songs lined up to post here that deal with the same exact thing, all in different ways), and as it is not the best one of that group I'd like to get it over with as soon and as quickly as possible.

Not that it's a bad song, of course.  Let me be clear with that.  It's just that there are so many better ones coming up that the difference is very perceptible.

There's a song I will be putting up on here in a few posts that I named, "And Her Name Is Lonely," and I liken this one to a poor man's "And Her Name Is Lonely."  There was a lot of loneliness preempting both songs (as you shall see shortly).  I was extremely lonely last fall, and all during the winter, and very miserable, so my songs verily reflected that.

Excuse me, I've been reading Jane Austen.

So yes, it reflects that greatly.  And that pertains to the favourite line I mentioned above.  I've always loved that line I wrote in "Holding Out For You," in the beginning of the second verse: "but no one ever had a cookie cutter for the rest of your life."  I liked that so much I changed my Twitter handle (is that what usernames are called on there?) to accommodate it.  But the one from this song, the last line of the chorus, definitely rivals that: "but I go off in my car, just to park somewhere and cry."

'Cause that's so where I was last fall.  And I'm good at it, by now.  (Also at driving through tears.  Oh, and with bare feet.  Which apparently is frowned upon?)

So that was the first line, and once I came up with that I had to try and figure out a way to write a song around it.  In the song's early iterations, it was actually known as, "How It Feels (A Stone, Personified)," but then that kind of started to feel pretentious.  I don't think people really expect the word, "personified," to come into their songs.

Anyway, I like that it's more of an abstract thing, in the verses, and then it progresses and comes to an explication, really, of what preceded it, by the time it comes to the chorus.  But all the same, as I've mentioned before, it's almost felt unfinished to me, as though there were something missing in the chorus (and don't even get me started on the bridge, which is kind of lacking in subtlety and originality, I feel).  But there's a pervasive sense of pain and sadness that there's no mistaking.

The verses are definitely my favourite part, aside from the last line of the chorus.  There's just so much there, that exhibits feeling yet transcends the moment.  But I don't know, maybe it's just me.  I went through a lot of edits of the chorus, but sometimes you have to stick with what you already have, even if it's not entirely satisfying, because it might be as good as it'll get.

So here it is.  I'll stop now.

How It Feels

loneliness comes creeping in when you're giving up a fight
the sunrise comes awful early when you've stayed up all night
lately staring out the window takes up so much of my time
and it gets easier to lie each time I tell myself I'm fine

CHORUS:
so this is how it feels, without you in my life
caution and slow motion, second-guessing all the time
I wish I could be cold: a stone, personified,
but I go off in my car, just to park somewhere and cry

the cold and dark come soon after blowing out a flame
and who you were the day before won't ever be the same
now I'm getting used to falling, after we flew too high
because sometimes you walk away, without saying goodbye*

CHORUS:
so this how it feels, without you in my life
caution and slow motion, second-guessing all the time
I wish I could be cold: a stone, personified,
but I go off in my car, just to park somewhere and cry

BRIDGE:
sometimes I wonder if you feel it, too
how cold the world has gotten,
still I can't forget a single thing about you,
even though I'm probably forgotten

CHORUS 2:
I guess this is how it feels, without you in my life
caution and slow motion, second-guessing all the time
I wish I were indifferent: a stone, personified,
then I wouldn't even care that you cheated and lied,
and I could be cold and unbroken, not just pushed aside
instead I go off in my car, just to park somewhere and cry

now I'm here in my car, 'cause I've parked somewhere to cry...

*Anyone catch the brief Crazy Heart tribute in the previous line?  It's meant to be subtle, but noticeable if you've fallen in love with the soundtrack, as I have.  Additionally, in the actual line with the asterisk, I had an issue figuring out if the line should be "without saying goodbye," or "instead of saying goodbye."  Thoughts?  I finally settled on the first, after many scribbles in my notebook, vacillating between one and the other.  I guess I thought it was sadder, but so is the latter one.  Let me know what you think!

Next song I'll post: "Weren't We."  I adore this one.  (From here on out, that's basically how I feel about all of the songs.)  It has a good story behind it, too.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

Baby, I was naive, got lost in your eyes, never even had a chance.

Rooftops

This should be a very quick post - but I did want to put up a new one, since I haven't in a while -  because (a) I'm about to catch a flight, and (b) I want to breeze through this song and the next one I will post.  And apparently, brevity will quickly have the song become a distant memory.  (And if you could see how quickly my fingers are flying across this keyboard, you would have no need to doubt my dedication to being quick about this.)  I don't really like this one so much, but I did (somewhat) at the time I was writing it, so there it is.

I think I kind of like the concept, far more than I do the execution of it.  You know what I mean?

This song was inspired (however tangentially) by my second favourite film of all time.  And when I first came up with the idea, I had originally intended to stay a bit more closely to the concept of the film, especially one of the earlier scenes.  Somewhere in the various guises this song has taken since that time, it has taken on a new meaning, a new significance that is more personal than it is voyeuristic. 

In the end, it turned out to be a more difficult song to write, actually.  I had the hardest time figuring out where I wanted to go with it, what I wanted to say, after coming up with the idea.  I had the last two lines of each verse (the same lines) written in mid-January, but something about that just made it impossible to continue - maybe it's because "below" is a surprisingly difficult word with which to rhyme things, or maybe because I was hesitant to write about a romance because I felt like I couldn't come up with new ways to talk about love.  It was all "moon and June," so to speak, and fanciful, and I didn't want it to come across that way.  I wanted a serious, yet ephemeral, kind of tone to the lyrics.  That's why it took me so long to get some words down - and when I did, I'd cross them all out again, because it was infantile.  And if there was one thing I didn't want, it was for "Rooftops" to be infantile.

And so I strayed away from what I had originally wanted, and became disheartened with the whole song endeavour, putting it away in favour of other lyrics (forthcoming, I promise you).   And the further I got from it, the less feeling I had about the song, and about the circumstance that inspired it.  I was only brought back to brainstorming with a furious purpose for this song when I concentrated on listening to the soundtrack of the aforementioned film.  And specifically, one song called "This Time."  And suddenly, I knew the words I wanted, and they came.

I'm still not emotionally invested, or crazy, about the song.  There's a detachment there for me, but maybe you don't feel it.  I'd like that.

And I like the idea of throwing one's problems over the side of a building and just having an evening of being careless and carefree and weightless.  It's falling in love for the night, and for the memory.  There's a balance, I think, between ethereality and concreteness that floats through the song, enough to make it substantial without making it too consequential.  There's also some sort of collusion of the natural world with the human world, in the song, to make the subjects seem so important, and yet so small at the same time.  I don't know, I'm probably analysing it too much.

At any rate, it does repeat the word "here" enough.

Rooftops

the way the wind blows through here makes it sound like a symphony

won't you come to me, won't you come to me?

high above the ordinary streets, the sky is so close

and we can be weightless the whole night through

there's a guitar man playing in the park below

but I'd rather be, I'd rather be on this rooftop with you

CHORUS:

let's take all our worries and drop them over the side

we'll watch them fall, and then we can leave them behind

away from the people, near enough to the stars

let's stay on this rooftop, up here in the dark

you look so good here, above the shining lights of the city

won't you sing to me, won't you sing to me?

if tonight is all you and I have, let's make this time glow

take me for a ride on the wings of a tune

there's a guitar man playing in the park below

but I'd rather be, I'd rather be on this rooftop with you

CHORUS:

let's take all our worries and drop them over the side

we'll watch them fall, and then we can leave them behind

away from the people, near enough to the stars

let's stay on this rooftop, up here in the dark

BRIDGE:

everything is simpler, here

love is love and your eyes are clear

I wish we could stay forever, away from reality

won't you think of me, won't you think of me?

this is the night we'll remember when the world's beneath snow

the night only we had the greatest view

there's a guitar man playing in the park below

but I'd rather be, I'd rather be on this rooftop with you

CHORUS:

let's take all our worries and drop them over the side

we'll watch them fall, and then we can leave them behind

away from the people, near enough to the stars

let's stay on this rooftop, up here in the dark

CHORUS 2:

let's take all our troubles and throw them over the side

we'll watch them fall, and then we can leave them behind

far from the people, halfway to the stars

let's stay on this rooftop, and give in to our hearts... (end)

Ugh.  My poor computer.

I know the rhyme scheme of the verses (AABCBC) is a bit of a strange one, but I think it works.  Let me know what you think!

And Yalina, I love that you're commenting (please don't delete what you write!)!  Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, and I'm glad that you're finding something worthwhile as you visit my little blog.  I agree about "Nobody Does it Better" - that was always my favourite Bond song, before I heard "All Time High," I have to admit.  And "Skyfall" has suddenly become an instant classic, too.  Again, thank you for taking the time to reply to my (somewhat rambling, at times) posts.

Off to fly across the country.  I may post another one ("How It Feels") later tonight, depending on what time my jet lag subsides.  If not, then definitely at some point during the weekend.

Much love, and thank you for the musik,

Just Another Ordinary Girl

I've been sitting, watching life pass from the sidelines.