Things I have learned about myself in the past month and a half, or so (this list is sincere, and not intended as any kind of self-indulgent or self-pitying monologue - it's an unemotional reflection on things as I see them):
1. I am going to die young.
I don't belong in this world. I care too much, and have no proper defense mechanism, to survive long in the great wide somewhere. And that's okay. This world destroys stardust, you know. It so repels beauty as to send it back upon itself to self-destruct. That's sad.
I spend too much time lost in daydreams and fantasies, living in a world infinitely more beautiful than this one.
And so it'll swallow me, too, eventually.
2. I will never be able to kiss someone without being made to feel bad about it afterwards.
3. This is my last post.
I've made the choice to let go of this blog. It was a thought that just passed through my mind in the making of this list, and as soon as I gave it a voice I knew it to be true. And it's not going to be a trumped-up, pretentious farewell as was my last leave-taking from this blog. It's just happening, and then all of this will, for better or worse, slowly fade away.
But maybe I'll return one day. Who knows.
I've never been able to stay away for long before.
(Goodbye) Never Crossed My Mind
I don't like to think about the future
because I know all the sadness it can bring
and it scares me to think, over the next few years,
what all I can lose that someone else will win
used to be I never for a second thought like this
but that was before I had something I didn't want to lose
now every moment might bring some magic I might miss
so I don't want to close my eyes around you
I remember you said "I love you" in the middle of a different sentence
it was so quick I didn't notice until a few hours had gone by
and still here we are, our time somehow nearing the end
but of all the things I always thought I'd say to you,
goodbye, never crossed my mind
some people come into our lives so suddenly
and others leave exactly in the same way
it makes me wonder which one of those you are to me
and just how much more there is for us to say
'cause when I said "I love you," I wrote it on a piece of paper
but you came to me so you could see me say it with your own eyes
and still here we are, these moments fading into a blur
but of all the things I always thought I'd say to you,
goodbye, never crossed my mind
BRIDGE:
maybe you've been getting ready for this from the day that we first met
but I never wanted to think about how hard you'll be to forget
we kissed for the first time in your car after you drove me home
just as the sun was going down the day before the fourth of July
still here we are, about to be all on our own
but of all the things I always thought I'd say to you,
goodbye, never crossed my mind
oh, of all the things I always thought I'd be saying to you
goodbye, it never crossed my mind
(goodbye, goodbye)
(goodbye, goodbye)
(goodbye, goodbye)
I don't like to think about the future (goodbye, goodbye)
because I know all the sadness it can bring (goodbye, goodbye)
(goodbye, goodbye)
(goodbye, goodbye)...
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
I knew it from the start: someday you'd break my heart.
You're afraid it's all been wasted time.
13 August 2014
23 July 2014
What I'm Doing With You
Apparently, it has been exactly a month since I lasted posted.
And what a month it was. I can't even begin to conceptualise what the hell all happened in the past few weeks, so I won't even try to put it into words.
Instead, I guess I'll just progress to the song, then, to avoid my customary brand of unnecessary verbosity.
I will say this, though: it has a weird structure, this song (as will the next song, "(Goodbye) Never Crossed My Mind"); I'm avoiding choruses, I think, in order to imbue the songs with more imagery. Because I like to think that the way I handle words makes everything a little bit more beautiful. Case in point - the image of standing under a streetlight in a parking lot with a boy, about which I wrote in the previous entry, apparently came out quite romantic, which is nice. It wasn't meant as a romantic moment, and I will try never to admit to the fact that I lived it that way, but I will say that my friendship with this person is the most exciting thing that has happened to me, as I have told him on several occasions.
It's a friendship I trust most openly, as well. (But it's also just a friendship. And will only ever be.) It's one of the truest, least capricious things in my life right now, and I am profoundly grateful for it.
It's also not something I can really explain. Nor, perhaps, do I want to.
As is to be depicted below.
What I'm Doing With You
I wish I knew what the point of knowing you is
'cause that might make you easier to understand
but I don't think anyone could ever explain this
you're such a strange and beautiful man
even though I sometimes wish the world were more like me,
so that I wouldn't always feel so alone,
you're the one I would never change, out of everybody
but why not, I can't pretend to know
still you were there once when I started to cry
and you were my first kiss on the cheek
and even though I have no clue what I'm doing with you
I like to think it's completely unique
I wish I knew better than getting to know you
but then I never did know what was good for me
and who can guess which day will bring something new
things can change so suddenly
sometimes I want to strangle you, sometimes I'd rather kiss you
but I know I'll spend the next thirty years
pretending every day that I don't miss you
even if you never know what I need to hear
but you caught me in your arms in the middle of the room
so suddenly that I rocked back on my heels
and even though I still don't know what I'm doing with you
I've never been held so tightly
and it must not mean anything to you,
that you're my favourite person in the world
'cause sometimes you look right past me
and I'd like to think that when this is over
you'll think of me as more than just forgettable
but of course there's no guarantee
but you caught me in your arms in the middle of the room
so suddenly that I rocked back on my heels
and even though I still don't know what I'm doing with you
I've never been held so tightly
and even though I'll never know what I'm doing with you,
I'll never be held so tightly, again...
I keep re-reading this song, because I love it so much. It probably won't mean anything to you, but for some reason this is something that has provided fodder for songs for me. As I told someone yesterday (shout-out, again, to Alex) some people just passing through your life could inspire a dozen songs, while someone more significant might not inspire any. It's a strange relationship, words and the heart.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
It's a million miles from there to here, and how we got here isn't clear / I wonder if we'd do it all again / I've retraced every step, trying to find the moment when / you and I became more than friends.
And what a month it was. I can't even begin to conceptualise what the hell all happened in the past few weeks, so I won't even try to put it into words.
Instead, I guess I'll just progress to the song, then, to avoid my customary brand of unnecessary verbosity.
I will say this, though: it has a weird structure, this song (as will the next song, "(Goodbye) Never Crossed My Mind"); I'm avoiding choruses, I think, in order to imbue the songs with more imagery. Because I like to think that the way I handle words makes everything a little bit more beautiful. Case in point - the image of standing under a streetlight in a parking lot with a boy, about which I wrote in the previous entry, apparently came out quite romantic, which is nice. It wasn't meant as a romantic moment, and I will try never to admit to the fact that I lived it that way, but I will say that my friendship with this person is the most exciting thing that has happened to me, as I have told him on several occasions.
It's a friendship I trust most openly, as well. (But it's also just a friendship. And will only ever be.) It's one of the truest, least capricious things in my life right now, and I am profoundly grateful for it.
It's also not something I can really explain. Nor, perhaps, do I want to.
As is to be depicted below.
What I'm Doing With You
I wish I knew what the point of knowing you is
'cause that might make you easier to understand
but I don't think anyone could ever explain this
you're such a strange and beautiful man
even though I sometimes wish the world were more like me,
so that I wouldn't always feel so alone,
you're the one I would never change, out of everybody
but why not, I can't pretend to know
still you were there once when I started to cry
and you were my first kiss on the cheek
and even though I have no clue what I'm doing with you
I like to think it's completely unique
I wish I knew better than getting to know you
but then I never did know what was good for me
and who can guess which day will bring something new
things can change so suddenly
sometimes I want to strangle you, sometimes I'd rather kiss you
but I know I'll spend the next thirty years
pretending every day that I don't miss you
even if you never know what I need to hear
but you caught me in your arms in the middle of the room
so suddenly that I rocked back on my heels
and even though I still don't know what I'm doing with you
I've never been held so tightly
and it must not mean anything to you,
that you're my favourite person in the world
'cause sometimes you look right past me
and I'd like to think that when this is over
you'll think of me as more than just forgettable
but of course there's no guarantee
but you caught me in your arms in the middle of the room
so suddenly that I rocked back on my heels
and even though I still don't know what I'm doing with you
I've never been held so tightly
and even though I'll never know what I'm doing with you,
I'll never be held so tightly, again...
I keep re-reading this song, because I love it so much. It probably won't mean anything to you, but for some reason this is something that has provided fodder for songs for me. As I told someone yesterday (shout-out, again, to Alex) some people just passing through your life could inspire a dozen songs, while someone more significant might not inspire any. It's a strange relationship, words and the heart.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
It's a million miles from there to here, and how we got here isn't clear / I wonder if we'd do it all again / I've retraced every step, trying to find the moment when / you and I became more than friends.
23 June 2014
Enough
I want to start today by thanking a very mysterious reader, QuiteTheFanofYou. It's been such a long time since I've received a comment on one of my posts that I'd all but forgotten the butterflies in my stomach that I get when I receive the notification. Your words are kind and sweet, and I'm thrilled and honoured that you decide not only to visit but also to stay every so often. Please continue to come. Maybe I'll bring scones and tea next time.
Truly, thank you. Please continue to be yourself.
Now.
I had been meaning to post this song last week, but it was absolutely nuts and I couldn't. I had, to put it mildly, a very intense week. I got very little sleep, and spent most of my time either working at home on my computer, or at one of my three(!) jobs. It all happened so fast that I didn't know if I'd come up out of the madness in one piece.
But it was also fantastic in a beautiful way. Last night I found myself, several hours after midnight, in a parking lot under a streetlight talking to the kindest friend I've ever had, about fear and love and time and family and life. When it started getting cold, he held me in his arms for a little while before we drove away, and he smelled so good and I rested my head on his shoulder as he said, "Thank you," like in the movies. And I nearly missed when I went to kiss his cheek. "For what?" I asked, because he was the one who had listened to my inane drivel, and I had done nothing, I thought, to warrant gratitude on his part. And, using a line from one of my songs (not that he knew that, of course), he said, "For being you."
I drove all the way home in silence because no song that I could have wanted to play would have been able to precisely match the beating of my heart then.
This song has nothing to do with that. I just wanted to share that experience because if I hadn't been there I wouldn't have thought it could happen to me.
And that's all that will happen, because - so many barriers.
Especially around my heart. They've been recently constructed, but I'm going to allow them to cement themselves in there, shutting out anyone who could possibly hurt me again. I refuse to do this again, ever.
Ever.
I've been broken too irreparably this time.
No, this song came about when I was watching an episode of Glee, which has devolved into something really unwatchable - at least, in my opinion. But there was this one episode where the "kids" were at a dog shelter, and they were singing a song that I can't remember anymore. Despite that, I do remember that there was a line that I totally misheard, and then I ran with the way I had heard it because I just knew in that moment it would be amazing. And that line is, "close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?" So I wrote that down, not knowing where it would lead me but knowing that I wanted to use it. And then it hit me: I'll just write about everything I pretend is love, so that the song will take on its own bittersweet quality. The little moments that you can read into, or the little things that make your heart flutter, even if they weren't meant in any way but friendliness. I wrote about that stuff, and you'll see what I did.
I let the title be a direct answer to the incessant questions of "is it enough." Because I thought "Yes" might be too obvious and obnoxious, I went with "Enough" instead. It's just pathetic enough to be profound, I feel.
Enough
is it enough, to see him when he looks at you?
his eyes so honest you might almost read his mind
is it enough, the way he holds himself as he moves?
one foot after the other, in almost too straight a line
and when he catches you staring and smiles back, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
is it enough, to hear his voice when he speaks?
to be so close you can hear everything he says
is it enough, that he knows you know what he means?
his words like water washing over you then slipping away
trading jokes and getting him to laugh at one, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
BRIDGE:
is it enough to miss him every day,
to be holding each other and be still so far away?
not to want him but to want him, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
is it enough, to pretend this is how it really is?
to expect nothing else than what you've never had
is it enough, to be afraid of anything more than this?
drawing an ever-thicker line between what's good and bad
to be lost in a daydream before you fall asleep, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
to give your heart and get nothing in return, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
doesn't it, doesn't it, doesn't it almost feel like love?
(repeat until fade out)
I don't know what you're going to think but I love this song. It's a triumph, and I think it's trumped "And Her Name is Lonely" as what I consider my best. But you tell me, because I am wrong about just about everything, so this could be just another misconception on my part.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
In an ordinary fairy tale end, there's a promise of a perfect happy end / and I imagine having just short of that is better than nothing...
Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart.
Truly, thank you. Please continue to be yourself.
Now.
I had been meaning to post this song last week, but it was absolutely nuts and I couldn't. I had, to put it mildly, a very intense week. I got very little sleep, and spent most of my time either working at home on my computer, or at one of my three(!) jobs. It all happened so fast that I didn't know if I'd come up out of the madness in one piece.
But it was also fantastic in a beautiful way. Last night I found myself, several hours after midnight, in a parking lot under a streetlight talking to the kindest friend I've ever had, about fear and love and time and family and life. When it started getting cold, he held me in his arms for a little while before we drove away, and he smelled so good and I rested my head on his shoulder as he said, "Thank you," like in the movies. And I nearly missed when I went to kiss his cheek. "For what?" I asked, because he was the one who had listened to my inane drivel, and I had done nothing, I thought, to warrant gratitude on his part. And, using a line from one of my songs (not that he knew that, of course), he said, "For being you."
I drove all the way home in silence because no song that I could have wanted to play would have been able to precisely match the beating of my heart then.
This song has nothing to do with that. I just wanted to share that experience because if I hadn't been there I wouldn't have thought it could happen to me.
And that's all that will happen, because - so many barriers.
Especially around my heart. They've been recently constructed, but I'm going to allow them to cement themselves in there, shutting out anyone who could possibly hurt me again. I refuse to do this again, ever.
Ever.
I've been broken too irreparably this time.
No, this song came about when I was watching an episode of Glee, which has devolved into something really unwatchable - at least, in my opinion. But there was this one episode where the "kids" were at a dog shelter, and they were singing a song that I can't remember anymore. Despite that, I do remember that there was a line that I totally misheard, and then I ran with the way I had heard it because I just knew in that moment it would be amazing. And that line is, "close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?" So I wrote that down, not knowing where it would lead me but knowing that I wanted to use it. And then it hit me: I'll just write about everything I pretend is love, so that the song will take on its own bittersweet quality. The little moments that you can read into, or the little things that make your heart flutter, even if they weren't meant in any way but friendliness. I wrote about that stuff, and you'll see what I did.
I let the title be a direct answer to the incessant questions of "is it enough." Because I thought "Yes" might be too obvious and obnoxious, I went with "Enough" instead. It's just pathetic enough to be profound, I feel.
Enough
is it enough, to see him when he looks at you?
his eyes so honest you might almost read his mind
is it enough, the way he holds himself as he moves?
one foot after the other, in almost too straight a line
and when he catches you staring and smiles back, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
is it enough, to hear his voice when he speaks?
to be so close you can hear everything he says
is it enough, that he knows you know what he means?
his words like water washing over you then slipping away
trading jokes and getting him to laugh at one, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
BRIDGE:
is it enough to miss him every day,
to be holding each other and be still so far away?
not to want him but to want him, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
is it enough, to pretend this is how it really is?
to expect nothing else than what you've never had
is it enough, to be afraid of anything more than this?
drawing an ever-thicker line between what's good and bad
to be lost in a daydream before you fall asleep, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
to give your heart and get nothing in return, is that enough?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
close your eyes, doesn't it almost feel like love?
doesn't it, doesn't it, doesn't it almost feel like love?
(repeat until fade out)
I don't know what you're going to think but I love this song. It's a triumph, and I think it's trumped "And Her Name is Lonely" as what I consider my best. But you tell me, because I am wrong about just about everything, so this could be just another misconception on my part.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
In an ordinary fairy tale end, there's a promise of a perfect happy end / and I imagine having just short of that is better than nothing...
Keep on dreaming, even if it breaks your heart.
17 June 2014
Closed Doors
Tonight, I can't fall asleep to save my life. Not a wink. I don't know why.
So I'm here, with you.
I have this one friend who reads this blog, and after reading the last few posts he asked me why I didn't write more "happy songs." That apparently the last ones were sad. Which, I will concede, they were. I guess.
But I don't do happy. I suppose that's why I'm on anti-depressants. (They don't work, obviously. But I dutifully still take them because I never met a rule I didn't follow.)
So I told him to brace himself - if he thought those were sad, that I can't even think what he'll see in these next few coming up.
Shout out to Alex. Brace yourself, my dear friend.
This is the song I mentioned in the previous post, the one speaking to me shutting down my heart for good. It's because I can't do this, anymore or again. I can't. I need to figure out how to get over this first, which I never will. So this is the easier way to go about it.
When that part about him laughing at something someone else said happened I was so angry I went home and cried for hours. She had been incredibly unpleasant to me, and he was so sweet to her after that, that it dawned on me that he'll never be on my side. And that broke me all over again.
This song was born that night.
It's one verse too long, but it's what had to be said, so please forgive this particular display of verbosity.
Closed Doors
if anyone had asked me I would have said I'm over him
and that it's been a few weeks since his eyes set me on fire
but today I heard him laughing at something someone else said
and the million pieces I broke into would've made me a liar
then somehow it happened that I found myself crying
but we'd been doing so well pretending that we're friends lately
that I didn't have the heart to say I was anything but fine
and I smiled when he looked my way so that he couldn't see through me
CHORUS:
and from now on, I'm locking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors
if one more person tells me that I'll find someone someday
I'll escape from this place and never look back
but I'm trying to be someone better than I was yesterday
and I'll never get anywhere running away like that
CHORUS:
so from now on, I'm looking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors
BRIDGE:
today he said, "oh, there you are,"
and lent me a book of short stories about love
I don't know what it means
but he still won't take me seriously
so at least I'm done trying to figure it out
I have no right to be jealous since he was never even mine
and it's not so much that I want a piece of his heart
but for once I'd like to feel like someone would take my side
maybe if I didn't always jump right it it wouldn't be this hard
CHORUS:
so from now on, I'm locking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors
behind closed doors... (repeat until fade out)
No longer will my heart be too soft.
The next song that's coming is called "Enough," which I finished tonight at work. And I am so proud of it.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
No more "you're the only one," 'cause that's all done with now - this is the last love song I'll ever write for you, this is the last love song I'll ever write for you...
So I'm here, with you.
I have this one friend who reads this blog, and after reading the last few posts he asked me why I didn't write more "happy songs." That apparently the last ones were sad. Which, I will concede, they were. I guess.
But I don't do happy. I suppose that's why I'm on anti-depressants. (They don't work, obviously. But I dutifully still take them because I never met a rule I didn't follow.)
So I told him to brace himself - if he thought those were sad, that I can't even think what he'll see in these next few coming up.
Shout out to Alex. Brace yourself, my dear friend.
This is the song I mentioned in the previous post, the one speaking to me shutting down my heart for good. It's because I can't do this, anymore or again. I can't. I need to figure out how to get over this first, which I never will. So this is the easier way to go about it.
When that part about him laughing at something someone else said happened I was so angry I went home and cried for hours. She had been incredibly unpleasant to me, and he was so sweet to her after that, that it dawned on me that he'll never be on my side. And that broke me all over again.
This song was born that night.
It's one verse too long, but it's what had to be said, so please forgive this particular display of verbosity.
Closed Doors
if anyone had asked me I would have said I'm over him
and that it's been a few weeks since his eyes set me on fire
but today I heard him laughing at something someone else said
and the million pieces I broke into would've made me a liar
then somehow it happened that I found myself crying
but we'd been doing so well pretending that we're friends lately
that I didn't have the heart to say I was anything but fine
and I smiled when he looked my way so that he couldn't see through me
CHORUS:
and from now on, I'm locking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors
if one more person tells me that I'll find someone someday
I'll escape from this place and never look back
but I'm trying to be someone better than I was yesterday
and I'll never get anywhere running away like that
CHORUS:
so from now on, I'm looking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors
BRIDGE:
today he said, "oh, there you are,"
and lent me a book of short stories about love
I don't know what it means
but he still won't take me seriously
so at least I'm done trying to figure it out
I have no right to be jealous since he was never even mine
and it's not so much that I want a piece of his heart
but for once I'd like to feel like someone would take my side
maybe if I didn't always jump right it it wouldn't be this hard
CHORUS:
so from now on, I'm locking my heart behind a set of closed doors
because that's easier than letting him get to me
and even if, even if my heart's dying for something more
I'll only let myself be a little weak, behind closed doors
behind closed doors... (repeat until fade out)
No longer will my heart be too soft.
The next song that's coming is called "Enough," which I finished tonight at work. And I am so proud of it.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
No more "you're the only one," 'cause that's all done with now - this is the last love song I'll ever write for you, this is the last love song I'll ever write for you...
29 May 2014
Long Way Home
I decided to make a point of finishing this one, since I had been putting it off for a while (started it on 17 April). Also, since I had teased it in the last post.
But, yeah. I know, I know. Nothing for a nearly a month and a half, and then bam! two in as many days. Sorry about that. But there are things, like lyric muses, that you just can't plan. Also, you never know when procrastination might set in and you want to do something, ANYthing, else but what you actually have to do.
Today was one of those days.
This whole month has been one of those days.
I really wish I had written this song earlier, when I had originally wanted to write it. So much of the glory in which it was conceived had faded by yesterday evening, when I finished it, and that which is left will eventually be eroded the rest of the way, just by the most unexciting, ordinary interactions of the everyday. It's a shame, but that's the way it is.
And it's all my own fault, really.
Anyway. This song is about finally putting things out in the open, about saying things you needed to say and he kept putting off discussing, until the dams broke wide open and there you were, both of you being more honest than you've ever been, in the name of making things right and coming to terms with what on earth has happened between the two of you. And, at some point during this conversation - which, inexplicably but logically, happens in the front seat of his car, because that's the only place you've ever been alone together - the most amazing thing happens, and it's not what you expected, or even thought you wanted: you realise that somewhere over the past months, in between falling in love with him and killing that love with each time he hurt you unwittingly, the two of you became such damn good friends. Because you and he are way too similar to be so far apart.
So you make a pact to remain friends. Because that's what he liked best.
And, at the same time, you silently promise yourself to run, far away and as fast as you possibly can, from anyone you meet in the future whose name is David.
Long Way Home
he could drive anything in the world with four wheels
and the only place I'd want to be
is right there next to him in that front seat
looking through the windshield at the small-town streets
'cause sometimes the only way to tell the truth
is to not look each other in the eye
and you just might find yourself when you try
to destroy some broken bridges and start anew
he said, "I know I just drove past a shortcut,
but I want to take you back the long way home"
so, without constraints, we just let it go
and two hours passed before I even knew what
CHORUS:
by the end, I was cross-legged, barefoot in the front seat
he said something funny about the colour on my toes
I'd been angry for so long I had forgotten how friendship feels
so I let myself fall back into it, head over heels
and every mile he drove was one more step on the long road back to me
I was relearning who I am as he was driving us the long way home
he drove along without anywhere specific in mind
and the music went in circles, too
he closed the window when I got the shivers halfway through
and we both agreed to a pact not to apologise
'cause sometimes the only way to tell the truth
is to promise not to take it personally
when you're both afraid of your words being mean
but things have to break completely in order to begin anew
CHORUS:
by the end, I was cross-legged, barefoot in the front seat
he said something funny about the colour on my toes
I'd been angry for so long I had forgotten how friendship feels
so I let myself fall back into it, head over heels
and every mile he drove was one more step on the long road back to me
I was relearning who I am as he was driving us the long way home
BRIDGE:
but when he opened the car door, I still left him with a lie
'cause I wouldn't be me without a little something to hide
but sometimes the only way to tell the truth
is to not give it all away at once
and to stand on your own and not be anyone's
you first have to know what it's like to lose you
CHORUS:
by the end, I was cross-legged, barefoot in the front seat
he said something funny about the colour on my toes
I'd been angry for so long I had forgotten how friendship feels
so I let myself fall back into it, head over heels
and every mile he drove was one more step on the long road back to me
I was relearning who I am as he was driving us the long way home
he said, "I know I just drove past a shortcut,
but I want to take you back, the long way home..."
The lie I left him with was a vital one (necessary for self-preservation), but still one I regret somehow. I told him I no longer like him. But that was the price to pay, I guess, to remain friends, so it's one I have to live with.
And I also wanted to say this: I hereby resign from writing love songs. The sad ones, the painful ones, the broken ones were always my best, anyway. And I've resigned myself to the fact that those latter experiences are the only ones I'll ever know, so that makes my walking away from love songs ever so much easier. Seriously, did I ever write one that was even somewhat decent? I don't think so; pain is my strong suit.
The next song, "Closed Doors," will deal with this. I may post it later today.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
But secretly they're saviours.
But, yeah. I know, I know. Nothing for a nearly a month and a half, and then bam! two in as many days. Sorry about that. But there are things, like lyric muses, that you just can't plan. Also, you never know when procrastination might set in and you want to do something, ANYthing, else but what you actually have to do.
Today was one of those days.
This whole month has been one of those days.
I really wish I had written this song earlier, when I had originally wanted to write it. So much of the glory in which it was conceived had faded by yesterday evening, when I finished it, and that which is left will eventually be eroded the rest of the way, just by the most unexciting, ordinary interactions of the everyday. It's a shame, but that's the way it is.
And it's all my own fault, really.
Anyway. This song is about finally putting things out in the open, about saying things you needed to say and he kept putting off discussing, until the dams broke wide open and there you were, both of you being more honest than you've ever been, in the name of making things right and coming to terms with what on earth has happened between the two of you. And, at some point during this conversation - which, inexplicably but logically, happens in the front seat of his car, because that's the only place you've ever been alone together - the most amazing thing happens, and it's not what you expected, or even thought you wanted: you realise that somewhere over the past months, in between falling in love with him and killing that love with each time he hurt you unwittingly, the two of you became such damn good friends. Because you and he are way too similar to be so far apart.
So you make a pact to remain friends. Because that's what he liked best.
And, at the same time, you silently promise yourself to run, far away and as fast as you possibly can, from anyone you meet in the future whose name is David.
Long Way Home
he could drive anything in the world with four wheels
and the only place I'd want to be
is right there next to him in that front seat
looking through the windshield at the small-town streets
'cause sometimes the only way to tell the truth
is to not look each other in the eye
and you just might find yourself when you try
to destroy some broken bridges and start anew
he said, "I know I just drove past a shortcut,
but I want to take you back the long way home"
so, without constraints, we just let it go
and two hours passed before I even knew what
CHORUS:
by the end, I was cross-legged, barefoot in the front seat
he said something funny about the colour on my toes
I'd been angry for so long I had forgotten how friendship feels
so I let myself fall back into it, head over heels
and every mile he drove was one more step on the long road back to me
I was relearning who I am as he was driving us the long way home
he drove along without anywhere specific in mind
and the music went in circles, too
he closed the window when I got the shivers halfway through
and we both agreed to a pact not to apologise
'cause sometimes the only way to tell the truth
is to promise not to take it personally
when you're both afraid of your words being mean
but things have to break completely in order to begin anew
CHORUS:
by the end, I was cross-legged, barefoot in the front seat
he said something funny about the colour on my toes
I'd been angry for so long I had forgotten how friendship feels
so I let myself fall back into it, head over heels
and every mile he drove was one more step on the long road back to me
I was relearning who I am as he was driving us the long way home
BRIDGE:
but when he opened the car door, I still left him with a lie
'cause I wouldn't be me without a little something to hide
but sometimes the only way to tell the truth
is to not give it all away at once
and to stand on your own and not be anyone's
you first have to know what it's like to lose you
CHORUS:
by the end, I was cross-legged, barefoot in the front seat
he said something funny about the colour on my toes
I'd been angry for so long I had forgotten how friendship feels
so I let myself fall back into it, head over heels
and every mile he drove was one more step on the long road back to me
I was relearning who I am as he was driving us the long way home
he said, "I know I just drove past a shortcut,
but I want to take you back, the long way home..."
The lie I left him with was a vital one (necessary for self-preservation), but still one I regret somehow. I told him I no longer like him. But that was the price to pay, I guess, to remain friends, so it's one I have to live with.
And I also wanted to say this: I hereby resign from writing love songs. The sad ones, the painful ones, the broken ones were always my best, anyway. And I've resigned myself to the fact that those latter experiences are the only ones I'll ever know, so that makes my walking away from love songs ever so much easier. Seriously, did I ever write one that was even somewhat decent? I don't think so; pain is my strong suit.
The next song, "Closed Doors," will deal with this. I may post it later today.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
But secretly they're saviours.
28 May 2014
All a Lie
I have a strange relationship with this song.
The reason I haven't posted in ages - though I've written two full and many, many partial songs - is because I was waiting for myself to finish a specific one ("Long Way Home"), as though that would be the ONE song worth waiting for.
It's not.
It might be, when I finish it. But right now, it's not. I have three verses and a chorus, but it's not enough. And the mind-space in which I was when I started writing it (nearly two months ago!) is one with which I am no longer familiar, which is the primary problem. But I will try to bring it all back, because I have to. I owe it to the girl I was then to finish it.
None of which, of course, has anything to do with this song. So I'll start again.
I have a strange relationship with this song.
It's a relationship based on the fact that I love the moment it's about. Love it completely - and relive it often, still getting goosebumps after all this time.
But I wrote the song out of some masochistic motivation to force myself to hate the moment instead. Because it's safer. It's easier.
(It also didn't work - mostly because it's hard for even me to convince myself of something that's not true.)
So I wrote this because I got scared, and thought that hurting myself (by disfiguring a sweet memory) would be the best way to deal with that - which, obviously, it wasn't. It never is, no matter how often I try it.
Because here we are.
I don't know how much background you may need for this, but it's about a friend of mine. A friendship I lucked into, and I think both of us got there by accident. He's someone I didn't know I needed, didn't know I wanted to have at this point in my life - but when he's not around, or we are of necessity aloof to each other, I miss him. We don't even have that much in common, aside from our interests in hockey (thank goodness he's also a Devils fan) and other sports. But we are both, in one way or another, broken, even if in this we also differ: he stubbornly (but perhaps wisely, given what he's told me) wishes to remain permanently so, whereas I am afraid of never getting all of my pieces back together.
And I think I would, or could, fall for him, if I weren't so hell-bent on breaking my own heart. (Well, also, if he who has my heart weren't so hell-bent on breaking it, over and over, for me.)
This song is about the first time he hugged me.
I was hurting, one Friday night the first week of March. I had come so close to spending the evening with the aforementioned "he who has my heart," but things broke between us and, even though I didn't know at the time how much more would break before things got "better," I must have sensed something, because I was, as I said, hurting. Badly. Nearly as badly as possible.
And he could tell.
Later, I got so afraid of just being another conquest* he'll discard just as soon as possible that I wrote this song.
*But it was just a freaking hug. I'm seriously insane.
All a Lie
you know, you really had me going for a pretty little while
things I'd never said before, I was saying to you
never thought I'd be taken in by a single pretty little line
but after four or five times it started to sound like the truth
CHORUS:
the feel of your shirt under the palm of my hand
you were holding me in an empty room
look at us, neither one was giving a damn
and I was leaning closer into you
I said, "damn, you smell good,"
and you said, "you feel good,"
and it felt like a perfect night
but wasn't it all, wasn't it all a lie?
you know, I'm starting to think you got what you wanted from me
it felt like a good idea then, but now I'm feeling sick
never thought I'd want you to be a discarded memory
and I can still smell you on me so I need to shower real quick
CHORUS:
the feel of your shirt under the palm of my hand
you were holding me in an empty room
look at us, neither one was giving a damn
and I was leaning closer into you
I said, "damn, you smell good,"
and you said, "you feel good,"
and it felt like a perfect night
but wasn't it all, wasn't it all a lie?
BRIDGE:
I lived every day for someone else, and you fell for it
this has twisted up in my mind and now I'm over it
but still I said we should make a habit of it
CHORUS:
the feel of your shirt under the palm of my hand
you were holding me in an empty room
look at us, neither one was giving a damn
and I was leaning closer into you
I said, "damn, you smell good,"
and you said, "you feel good,"
and it felt like a perfect night
but wasn't it all, wasn't it all a lie?
oh-whoa, wasn't it all a lie?
In the weeks since, he became my first kiss on the cheek. It sounds so silly, I know, but it means more to me - especially the way he said "thank you" - than my first (and last) kiss.
Four years ago, already?
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
Every day, to make myself feel bad, I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do.
The reason I haven't posted in ages - though I've written two full and many, many partial songs - is because I was waiting for myself to finish a specific one ("Long Way Home"), as though that would be the ONE song worth waiting for.
It's not.
It might be, when I finish it. But right now, it's not. I have three verses and a chorus, but it's not enough. And the mind-space in which I was when I started writing it (nearly two months ago!) is one with which I am no longer familiar, which is the primary problem. But I will try to bring it all back, because I have to. I owe it to the girl I was then to finish it.
None of which, of course, has anything to do with this song. So I'll start again.
I have a strange relationship with this song.
It's a relationship based on the fact that I love the moment it's about. Love it completely - and relive it often, still getting goosebumps after all this time.
But I wrote the song out of some masochistic motivation to force myself to hate the moment instead. Because it's safer. It's easier.
(It also didn't work - mostly because it's hard for even me to convince myself of something that's not true.)
So I wrote this because I got scared, and thought that hurting myself (by disfiguring a sweet memory) would be the best way to deal with that - which, obviously, it wasn't. It never is, no matter how often I try it.
Because here we are.
I don't know how much background you may need for this, but it's about a friend of mine. A friendship I lucked into, and I think both of us got there by accident. He's someone I didn't know I needed, didn't know I wanted to have at this point in my life - but when he's not around, or we are of necessity aloof to each other, I miss him. We don't even have that much in common, aside from our interests in hockey (thank goodness he's also a Devils fan) and other sports. But we are both, in one way or another, broken, even if in this we also differ: he stubbornly (but perhaps wisely, given what he's told me) wishes to remain permanently so, whereas I am afraid of never getting all of my pieces back together.
And I think I would, or could, fall for him, if I weren't so hell-bent on breaking my own heart. (Well, also, if he who has my heart weren't so hell-bent on breaking it, over and over, for me.)
This song is about the first time he hugged me.
I was hurting, one Friday night the first week of March. I had come so close to spending the evening with the aforementioned "he who has my heart," but things broke between us and, even though I didn't know at the time how much more would break before things got "better," I must have sensed something, because I was, as I said, hurting. Badly. Nearly as badly as possible.
And he could tell.
Later, I got so afraid of just being another conquest* he'll discard just as soon as possible that I wrote this song.
*But it was just a freaking hug. I'm seriously insane.
All a Lie
you know, you really had me going for a pretty little while
things I'd never said before, I was saying to you
never thought I'd be taken in by a single pretty little line
but after four or five times it started to sound like the truth
CHORUS:
the feel of your shirt under the palm of my hand
you were holding me in an empty room
look at us, neither one was giving a damn
and I was leaning closer into you
I said, "damn, you smell good,"
and you said, "you feel good,"
and it felt like a perfect night
but wasn't it all, wasn't it all a lie?
you know, I'm starting to think you got what you wanted from me
it felt like a good idea then, but now I'm feeling sick
never thought I'd want you to be a discarded memory
and I can still smell you on me so I need to shower real quick
CHORUS:
the feel of your shirt under the palm of my hand
you were holding me in an empty room
look at us, neither one was giving a damn
and I was leaning closer into you
I said, "damn, you smell good,"
and you said, "you feel good,"
and it felt like a perfect night
but wasn't it all, wasn't it all a lie?
BRIDGE:
I lived every day for someone else, and you fell for it
this has twisted up in my mind and now I'm over it
but still I said we should make a habit of it
CHORUS:
the feel of your shirt under the palm of my hand
you were holding me in an empty room
look at us, neither one was giving a damn
and I was leaning closer into you
I said, "damn, you smell good,"
and you said, "you feel good,"
and it felt like a perfect night
but wasn't it all, wasn't it all a lie?
oh-whoa, wasn't it all a lie?
In the weeks since, he became my first kiss on the cheek. It sounds so silly, I know, but it means more to me - especially the way he said "thank you" - than my first (and last) kiss.
Four years ago, already?
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
Every day, to make myself feel bad, I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do.
16 April 2014
A Million Ways
Do you think it's okay to want something, and then be scared by the prospect of it possibly happening?
That's unrelated to the song, for the most part. But I just thought I'd provide some food for thought.
I've been walking around in this fog of extreme hurt for nearly a month, so I get that my songs are depressing lately. But so is having a bruised and beaten - and exasperated - heart. It's like my insides are black and blue.
And I'm trying to figure out if I have a right to be angry at the perpetrator.
A Million Ways
you could have said hello a time or two
or you could've asked me, "how are you?"
instead of making me wonder what about me made you turn away
and maybe you could have smiled back
you could have let me make you laugh
because all I wanted was for you to let me in more than halfway
how much time would that really have taken?
but instead, now my heart is breaking
CHORUS:
oh, all the times I happen to cross your path during the day
you could have made me happy in a million little ways
but you're the beautiful tears rolling down my cheek
and the cloud of anger that's making me weak
you see, now I'm sitting here, thinking of all the things you might have done
'cause there were a million ways to make me smile, without making me cry once
you didn't have to ask me out one time
and then change your mind the very next night
because I can take a hint that's not even a little cruel
maybe you could have realised your mistakes
the ones made from our very first handshake
and instead of me always apologising, you could have said, "I'm sorry," too
how much time would that really have taken?
but instead, now my heart is breaking
CHORUS:
oh, all the times I happen to cross your path during the day
you could have made me happy in a million little ways
but you're the beautiful tears rolling down my cheek
and the cloud of anger that's making me weak
you see, now I'm sitting here, thinking of all the things you might have done
'cause there were a million ways to make me smile, without making me cry once
BRIDGE:
it really wouldn't have taken much,
'cause there was a time I thrilled at the slightest touch
and I promise that it used to be
that just the sight of you would make me happy
but you're the beautiful tears rolling down my cheek
and the cloud of anger that's making me weak
still, here I am, thinking of all the things you might have done
'cause there were a million ways to make me smile, without making me cry once
So much of me wishes I could bring back the exquisite wordplay of the songs I was writing at this time last year. "Less in Love," "Weren't We," "Slow-Dancing on the Edge of a Flame," "The Only Thing." I miss those moments - those were stories worth living, stories worth remembering. What I'm writing about now is something not even worth living through the first time.
I guess I also miss the person I was this time last year. I wasn't perfect (never will be), but at least I didn't walk around feeling the way I do now. And I'm never going to be as good a writer as I was back then.
I'm never going to be the same.
Thank you for the musik.
You've got one foot in and one foot out the door / and, baby, I can't take it anymore.
What do you get when you fall in love? / a guy with a pin, to burst your bubble / that's what you get for all your trouble / I'll never fall in love again / I'll never fall in love again.
30 March 2014
I'm Not Running
Somehow, over the first few months of this year (2014), I have discovered that there is less and less that I want to say in introduction to the songs I am posting here.
(And yes, don't worry, I can hear your collective sighs of relief.)
And I'm not entirely sure why - I just know that I have curtailed my verbosity, which may just turn out to be the best thing. But I guess what I can say about this song is that it was born almost two months ago, when my closest friend was going through some difficulty (though he never told me quite what it was), and also when I was in the process of learning that even the most beautiful people have some of the ugliest secrets.
And in those cases, it is so hard to curb the impulse to shut people out.
I'm Not Running
you say that you're no stranger to darkness
you've been brought to your knees so much it's hard now for you to stand
and it might be easy to hide from this
but you say every hardship you've faced has made you into a man
PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now
CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay
you should know I'd go through it all with you
I'm not just another thing you need to be afraid will break
and if you ever don't know what to do
I'll always be here, wanting to help you try to find the right words to say
PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now
CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay
BRIDGE:
here, where no one else can hurt you
because I promise I never will want to
and if you ever do see me running,
I'll only be running, running toward you
PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now
in case you haven't noticed by now
(crescendo)
CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay
here, where no one else can hurt you,
because I promise I never will want to
and if you ever do see me running,
I'll only be running toward you
toward you...
It's been a while, I think, since I've done a song with a pre-chorus. Oh, how things change.
Even if sometimes, you wished they didn't.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
And no one knows that you cry, but you don't tell anyone that you might not be the golden one.
(And yes, don't worry, I can hear your collective sighs of relief.)
And I'm not entirely sure why - I just know that I have curtailed my verbosity, which may just turn out to be the best thing. But I guess what I can say about this song is that it was born almost two months ago, when my closest friend was going through some difficulty (though he never told me quite what it was), and also when I was in the process of learning that even the most beautiful people have some of the ugliest secrets.
And in those cases, it is so hard to curb the impulse to shut people out.
I'm Not Running
you say that you're no stranger to darkness
you've been brought to your knees so much it's hard now for you to stand
and it might be easy to hide from this
but you say every hardship you've faced has made you into a man
PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now
CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay
you should know I'd go through it all with you
I'm not just another thing you need to be afraid will break
and if you ever don't know what to do
I'll always be here, wanting to help you try to find the right words to say
PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now
CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay
BRIDGE:
here, where no one else can hurt you
because I promise I never will want to
and if you ever do see me running,
I'll only be running, running toward you
PRE-CHORUS:
please don't say it's hard to look at me
we've all been through something
and in case you haven't noticed by now
in case you haven't noticed by now
(crescendo)
CHORUS:
I'm not running
I haven't hit the ground trying to get away
I'm not gonna leave,
don't you worry about me
I'm not running, so you and I will stay
here, where no one else can hurt you,
because I promise I never will want to
and if you ever do see me running,
I'll only be running toward you
toward you...
It's been a while, I think, since I've done a song with a pre-chorus. Oh, how things change.
Even if sometimes, you wished they didn't.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
And no one knows that you cry, but you don't tell anyone that you might not be the golden one.
24 March 2014
Razors
It is extremely difficult to sit all night next to someone who has your heart, and not reach out and touch him. This I learned last night. One day, I might just give up self-control and grab his hand.
But the song is not about that.
It's about as angry (and probably hurt) as I get.
Razors
Maybe it was me, and this is my fault
pretending you were wonderful and dancing right into your hands
but you never broke my fall
so you're the only reason this is how this ends
you've gotten rid of me, swept me aside like a pawn
well congratulations,
isn't that what you wanted all along?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions might speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
like razors
oh, they burn like razors
maybe one day, years from now,
I'll meet someone who is willing to love me somehow
and won't it be funny
when I break him, like you've broken me?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions might speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
like razors
oh, they burn like razors
BRIDGE:
I hope one day you can explain
why I don't have anything left to give away
'cause you cut it all out of me
until scars were all I could see
and I'm done chasing after flashes
(break)
well, congratulations,
isn't that what you wanted all along?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions may speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
oh-whoa, they both burn
they both burn like razors
like razors...
The bridge is intended to tie it all together. And I think it does.
Please let me know what you think, if there's anyone out there.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
Wrote a couple of notes - one in love, one in anger; they're lying there, dying, in the dresser drawer.
Did I plan, doing all of this for the love of a man? / Well, I let it happen anyhow / and what I'm feeling now / has no easy explanation, reason plays no part / heaven help my heart...
But the song is not about that.
It's about as angry (and probably hurt) as I get.
Razors
Maybe it was me, and this is my fault
pretending you were wonderful and dancing right into your hands
but you never broke my fall
so you're the only reason this is how this ends
you've gotten rid of me, swept me aside like a pawn
well congratulations,
isn't that what you wanted all along?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions might speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
like razors
oh, they burn like razors
maybe one day, years from now,
I'll meet someone who is willing to love me somehow
and won't it be funny
when I break him, like you've broken me?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions might speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
like razors
oh, they burn like razors
BRIDGE:
I hope one day you can explain
why I don't have anything left to give away
'cause you cut it all out of me
until scars were all I could see
and I'm done chasing after flashes
(break)
well, congratulations,
isn't that what you wanted all along?
CHORUS:
did you rehearse the things you said to me,
or did they just come naturally?
they were sharp like razors
were you afraid to get my hopes too high,
or did you plan it the whole time?
the memories cut like razors
actions may speak louder than words
but they both burn, they both burn
oh-whoa, they both burn
they both burn like razors
like razors...
The bridge is intended to tie it all together. And I think it does.
Please let me know what you think, if there's anyone out there.
Much love, and thank you for the musik.
Wrote a couple of notes - one in love, one in anger; they're lying there, dying, in the dresser drawer.
Did I plan, doing all of this for the love of a man? / Well, I let it happen anyhow / and what I'm feeling now / has no easy explanation, reason plays no part / heaven help my heart...
19 February 2014
Valentine's Day
Now this would have been the song to post on Friday, the fourteenth.
Too bad I didn't actually think of it until Sunday. The sixteenth.
And I started writing it en route to a funeral. It was my next-door neighbor's, who had been very sick for many years, for as long as I had known her (about twenty years). And I was standing there, listening to her life's story being told, holding my dad's hand and wishing that there were a way he would never leave me. Of course, not two minutes later, he moved away, to go stand with my mom. Fair enough, I suppose.
On the way home, I was listening to Pure Heroine, Lorde's ridiculously amazing debut album, and composing this song of my own. Which has nothing to do with funerals or anything, just to be clear. But of course, almost as if on purpose, as I was coming up with the first verse (I had finished the chorus and the bridge by then), I got a text from the person who inspired it. And all I wanted was for the song to not even be necessary, but it was because this is reality and not something I can pretend isn't happening. And it goes back to what I was saying at the very end of the last post, about starting to get over him.
Or trying to, at least.
Valentine's Day
today I decided to learn just how to put away my heart
and you're on my list of things not to think about, tonight
I guess some battles are lost before they even start
it's sad, but I missed watching the sun going down, tonight
CHORUS:
now I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day
it feels like ages since I've smiled, going on fourteen hours
and I've been defeated by not even trying, tonight
the taste your name left on my tongue is turning sour
it's sad, but I think the butterflies I used to feel are dying, tonight
CHORUS:
and I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that used to shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day
BRIDGE:
there has to be something between giving up and holding out forever
but it's taking all I have just to hold myself together
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool
CHORUS:
so I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool
here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day...
Maybe it's just me, but I think it's powerfully sad, and I'm quite happy with it (as contradictory as it sounds).
I'm not going to analyse this song to death, but I like that it's mostly written in metaphor - like the turning off the lights part. And my favourite line is, "little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you / and I'm washing away the stars..." I came up with that part sitting in the passenger's seat of a car he was driving, along snow-covered back roads.
Well, that's it from me.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
We're so happy, even when we're smiling out of fear.
Too bad I didn't actually think of it until Sunday. The sixteenth.
And I started writing it en route to a funeral. It was my next-door neighbor's, who had been very sick for many years, for as long as I had known her (about twenty years). And I was standing there, listening to her life's story being told, holding my dad's hand and wishing that there were a way he would never leave me. Of course, not two minutes later, he moved away, to go stand with my mom. Fair enough, I suppose.
On the way home, I was listening to Pure Heroine, Lorde's ridiculously amazing debut album, and composing this song of my own. Which has nothing to do with funerals or anything, just to be clear. But of course, almost as if on purpose, as I was coming up with the first verse (I had finished the chorus and the bridge by then), I got a text from the person who inspired it. And all I wanted was for the song to not even be necessary, but it was because this is reality and not something I can pretend isn't happening. And it goes back to what I was saying at the very end of the last post, about starting to get over him.
Or trying to, at least.
Valentine's Day
today I decided to learn just how to put away my heart
and you're on my list of things not to think about, tonight
I guess some battles are lost before they even start
it's sad, but I missed watching the sun going down, tonight
CHORUS:
now I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day
it feels like ages since I've smiled, going on fourteen hours
and I've been defeated by not even trying, tonight
the taste your name left on my tongue is turning sour
it's sad, but I think the butterflies I used to feel are dying, tonight
CHORUS:
and I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw you do
and I'm washing away the stars that used to shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day
BRIDGE:
there has to be something between giving up and holding out forever
but it's taking all I have just to hold myself together
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool
CHORUS:
so I'm going room to room, just turning off the lights
running out of reasons to keep this hope alive
little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you
and I'm washing away the stars that would shine when I looked at you
so here's to tonight, nothing left to do,
goodbye to pretending, and to feeling like a fool
here's to tonight, nothing left to say,
goodbye to sweet dreams, on this Valentine's Day...
Maybe it's just me, but I think it's powerfully sad, and I'm quite happy with it (as contradictory as it sounds).
I'm not going to analyse this song to death, but I like that it's mostly written in metaphor - like the turning off the lights part. And my favourite line is, "little by little, I'm letting go of everything beautiful I ever saw in you / and I'm washing away the stars..." I came up with that part sitting in the passenger's seat of a car he was driving, along snow-covered back roads.
Well, that's it from me.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
We're so happy, even when we're smiling out of fear.
15 February 2014
Because You're Wonderful
I originally intended to post this yesterday, as I was writing up the draft earlier this week. I'm keeping the original text, below, even though it is now another day.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
As it is the fourteenth of February, I feel it would be remiss of me if I were not to wish anyone reading this a very happy Valentine's Day.
At the same time, what the hell do I know about that? I have never had the pleasure(?) of being in love on Valentine's Day. But I do wish it for everyone else. At least I have my songs - some people well and truly have nothing. I cannot, for better or worse, say the same thing about myself.
But because it is that famed day of love, I thought I'd share with you this song. There are many things it's not - but loving is definitely not one of them. (Enjoy figuring out that double negative.) Also, complicated. In fact, it's really quite simple.
And I think part of it is that it's been difficult for me to write songs lately. I'm not sure why. But I would come up with a line here, or a chorus there, while never exactly being able to continue with the idea, even when I was otherwise quite pleased with it. So I have a plethora of little slips of paper all together in a folder that I just never could get around to (or could compel myself to pay attention to). This one, for example, I started 3 December, and finished only about two weeks ago - and only then because I thought it might help me if I concentrated on a single song, and I chose this one.
It's about someone with whom I don't stand a chance, but who still, whenever I see him, makes the thought, "My god, he's beautiful," run through my mind as though I were in a Taylor Swift song. And he knows I think he's wonderful (in fact, that seems to be my word of choice to describe him, as I have yet to use another) - and he enjoys it. A little too much.
So it was this that inspired me to write. And the song itself began as a poem, which I shall reproduce in full here (it's an unbelievably short poem):
Your face.
Two words on my lips:
Wonderful, and ridiculous.
That last, for me, and the other
is yours alone.
And that's it. It accurately presents the state of things. But it also serves as a jumping-off point for the full-length song, which I didn't think would actually manage to grow from something so small.
But it did. And even though falling for him was a mistake - and will never not be - I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. And the reason? Three guesses.
Because You're Wonderful
sometimes when I'm sleeping, you come to me and we dream all night, laughing
and then I'm surprised when I see you the next day and it didn't actually happen
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love the way you walk, with your black jacket on
and I love the way it smells, like cigarettes and gum
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
sometimes during the day, my eyes find your face and my heart skips a beat
and I hope no one notices in that moment how I'm struck by electricity
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
BRIDGE:
I could stand with you forever, you would only have to ask and I'd stay
and I would tell you that you're wonderful every day
'cause I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
more than anything
I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful,
because you're wonderful
oh-whoa, you're wonderful
(fade out)
As I said, it's quite simple. I imagine a very simple guitar line, with an explosive crescendo on the line "because you're wonderful," in each verse. But then again, I have no idea if it's a good one, because, as I've said, I have lost the ability to write songs (at least, it certainly feels that way). But it's everything I'm feeling now - which, true to form, has no easy explanation. But I suppose it's my way of honouring the good I see. I don't know, maybe it's stupid. I'm sure at least he would think I was a fool if he knew this song existed.
But whatever. I gave myself until yesterday (14 February) to pretend that being blissed out on him would have a happy ending - and today starts the getting-over-him process. But just for once - for ONCE - I would love to fall for someone without the exquisite agony of knowing that it's a lost cause. Not that it matters, now, anyway, as I have decided to put my heart away. For how long, I'm not sure. But at least for a substantial period of time, because I can't do this anymore.
If there's anybody out there, let me know any reactions to the song you might have.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
Stay beautiful, every little piece, love.
p.s. I should really find a new moniker. I think I've outgrown the angst of this one.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
As it is the fourteenth of February, I feel it would be remiss of me if I were not to wish anyone reading this a very happy Valentine's Day.
At the same time, what the hell do I know about that? I have never had the pleasure(?) of being in love on Valentine's Day. But I do wish it for everyone else. At least I have my songs - some people well and truly have nothing. I cannot, for better or worse, say the same thing about myself.
But because it is that famed day of love, I thought I'd share with you this song. There are many things it's not - but loving is definitely not one of them. (Enjoy figuring out that double negative.) Also, complicated. In fact, it's really quite simple.
And I think part of it is that it's been difficult for me to write songs lately. I'm not sure why. But I would come up with a line here, or a chorus there, while never exactly being able to continue with the idea, even when I was otherwise quite pleased with it. So I have a plethora of little slips of paper all together in a folder that I just never could get around to (or could compel myself to pay attention to). This one, for example, I started 3 December, and finished only about two weeks ago - and only then because I thought it might help me if I concentrated on a single song, and I chose this one.
It's about someone with whom I don't stand a chance, but who still, whenever I see him, makes the thought, "My god, he's beautiful," run through my mind as though I were in a Taylor Swift song. And he knows I think he's wonderful (in fact, that seems to be my word of choice to describe him, as I have yet to use another) - and he enjoys it. A little too much.
So it was this that inspired me to write. And the song itself began as a poem, which I shall reproduce in full here (it's an unbelievably short poem):
Your face.
Two words on my lips:
Wonderful, and ridiculous.
That last, for me, and the other
is yours alone.
And that's it. It accurately presents the state of things. But it also serves as a jumping-off point for the full-length song, which I didn't think would actually manage to grow from something so small.
But it did. And even though falling for him was a mistake - and will never not be - I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. And the reason? Three guesses.
Because You're Wonderful
sometimes when I'm sleeping, you come to me and we dream all night, laughing
and then I'm surprised when I see you the next day and it didn't actually happen
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love the way you walk, with your black jacket on
and I love the way it smells, like cigarettes and gum
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
sometimes during the day, my eyes find your face and my heart skips a beat
and I hope no one notices in that moment how I'm struck by electricity
but I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful
because you're wonderful
and I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
I love how it sounds when you say my name
BRIDGE:
I could stand with you forever, you would only have to ask and I'd stay
and I would tell you that you're wonderful every day
'cause I love to watch your eyes, the way they smile when your mouth does
and I love hearing your voice, and when you laugh just because
and sometimes, more than anything,
more than anything
I can't help it, if I think you're wonderful,
because you're wonderful
oh-whoa, you're wonderful
(fade out)
As I said, it's quite simple. I imagine a very simple guitar line, with an explosive crescendo on the line "because you're wonderful," in each verse. But then again, I have no idea if it's a good one, because, as I've said, I have lost the ability to write songs (at least, it certainly feels that way). But it's everything I'm feeling now - which, true to form, has no easy explanation. But I suppose it's my way of honouring the good I see. I don't know, maybe it's stupid. I'm sure at least he would think I was a fool if he knew this song existed.
But whatever. I gave myself until yesterday (14 February) to pretend that being blissed out on him would have a happy ending - and today starts the getting-over-him process. But just for once - for ONCE - I would love to fall for someone without the exquisite agony of knowing that it's a lost cause. Not that it matters, now, anyway, as I have decided to put my heart away. For how long, I'm not sure. But at least for a substantial period of time, because I can't do this anymore.
If there's anybody out there, let me know any reactions to the song you might have.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
Stay beautiful, every little piece, love.
p.s. I should really find a new moniker. I think I've outgrown the angst of this one.
22 January 2014
Good Night for Whiskey
Every January, I have this thing (call it neurosis, call it perfectionism, call it compulsion, call it spring cleaning) where I have to listen to all of the songs in my iTunes library. And every year, of course, it gets a bit more difficult because I obtain so many more new songs over the course of a year that my library gets more and more full. January is, in short, the month I go deaf. This year, I have 4994 songs over which to go deaf, and so far I'm a little over halfway through. I'm hoping to get it done before the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics, which is on 7 February. Fingers crossed!
Something I really like about this whole bizarre enterprise of mine is that, every year, I fall in love (again, or sometimes perhaps for the first time) with a different album, and it's almost as though I'm rediscovering it again. It's a very nice feeling.
But, of course, sometimes it isn't. Because I just...I feel too much, and it gets me into trouble.
And there's a line in this song that's at the heart of everything I've ever felt. Well, there are two lines that are particularly apt, but one is more fact, whereas the one I'm talking about is a poetic observation of a fundamental truth that is at the core of all of my heartache over the years. I'll let you know which one it is...after the song.
Good Night for Whiskey
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I'm betting he don't even miss me
and the makeup on my face feels like I'm trying too hard
to cover up the fact that I've got a forgotten heart
and I don't think I know how to smile anymore
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I've been drowning in a lifetime of lonely
and right now it feels like there ain't nothing else in store
than dying and crying and all the wrong sides of closed doors
and I don't think I want to make another start
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, chill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
but tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I need to forget these old foolish dreams
and hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear
whose worst mistake was taking too much time to stare
still I've never called anyone mine
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause it'll turn today into hist'ry
and I've made a fool of myself enough for a lifetime
just for being myself for a moment in time
and nothing about this is fair
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
BRIDGE:
but somehow I doubt I'll get over him like that
it might be easier to turn my heart cold and black
and my life could be a good life for whiskey
so I might get over how much he don't miss me
and burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I won't remember how much this night stings...
Oh, the irony. Goddamn the irony.
First things first: I realise it's not my best song. And it's not (really) meant to be. It's kind of wordy, and maybe a bit fuzzy, and it's perhaps a little too angst-y. But (a) I don't want to go back and rewrite it, because the melody (the one I hear and you can't, sorry) is really nice and the words fit to it nicely, and (b) the individual lines are what make it what it is, I think, because they're stronger than is the song as a whole.
As such, I won't analyse it too much. There's, actually, not too much to analyse. I threw it together, really, with lines that all made sense to me, because I've felt, and I feel them all.
The one line in this song that just kills me is hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear. And I should qualify that: it's fruitless hope that's the hardest thing, the hope you just know will never turn out to happen, because it only throws into sharper relief the loneliness of that lonely heart, and dashes its hopes of ever getting out of that. And I know the song isn't the perfect carrier for the line, but it settled into my heart like a truth that has been there for years but has never quite been named. Because that's what it is.
And it's a truth that makes me want to drink until I can't feel anything anymore. (But I don't drink, so I just feel, if not weather, the pain and write songs about it.) Hence, this song. It doesn't mean much, other than the song is the me I wish I weren't. The me I wish I didn't have to be.
Also, I think the chorus is addressing the whiskey. Those are all directives for the alcohol.
Something I really like about this whole bizarre enterprise of mine is that, every year, I fall in love (again, or sometimes perhaps for the first time) with a different album, and it's almost as though I'm rediscovering it again. It's a very nice feeling.
But, of course, sometimes it isn't. Because I just...I feel too much, and it gets me into trouble.
And there's a line in this song that's at the heart of everything I've ever felt. Well, there are two lines that are particularly apt, but one is more fact, whereas the one I'm talking about is a poetic observation of a fundamental truth that is at the core of all of my heartache over the years. I'll let you know which one it is...after the song.
Good Night for Whiskey
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I'm betting he don't even miss me
and the makeup on my face feels like I'm trying too hard
to cover up the fact that I've got a forgotten heart
and I don't think I know how to smile anymore
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I've been drowning in a lifetime of lonely
and right now it feels like there ain't nothing else in store
than dying and crying and all the wrong sides of closed doors
and I don't think I want to make another start
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, chill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
but tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause I need to forget these old foolish dreams
and hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear
whose worst mistake was taking too much time to stare
still I've never called anyone mine
tonight is a good night for whiskey
'cause it'll turn today into hist'ry
and I've made a fool of myself enough for a lifetime
just for being myself for a moment in time
and nothing about this is fair
CHORUS:
so burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
BRIDGE:
but somehow I doubt I'll get over him like that
it might be easier to turn my heart cold and black
and my life could be a good life for whiskey
so I might get over how much he don't miss me
and burn me, break me, tease me, kill me
and maybe all this emptiness will fill me up
dance with me, trip me up, make me unrecognisable
'cause I wanna be someone else, someone beautiful tonight
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I can face it when a new day begins
take me out of my skin and maybe tomorrow
I won't remember how much this night stings...
Oh, the irony. Goddamn the irony.
First things first: I realise it's not my best song. And it's not (really) meant to be. It's kind of wordy, and maybe a bit fuzzy, and it's perhaps a little too angst-y. But (a) I don't want to go back and rewrite it, because the melody (the one I hear and you can't, sorry) is really nice and the words fit to it nicely, and (b) the individual lines are what make it what it is, I think, because they're stronger than is the song as a whole.
As such, I won't analyse it too much. There's, actually, not too much to analyse. I threw it together, really, with lines that all made sense to me, because I've felt, and I feel them all.
The one line in this song that just kills me is hope is the hardest thing for a lonely heart to bear. And I should qualify that: it's fruitless hope that's the hardest thing, the hope you just know will never turn out to happen, because it only throws into sharper relief the loneliness of that lonely heart, and dashes its hopes of ever getting out of that. And I know the song isn't the perfect carrier for the line, but it settled into my heart like a truth that has been there for years but has never quite been named. Because that's what it is.
And it's a truth that makes me want to drink until I can't feel anything anymore. (But I don't drink, so I just feel, if not weather, the pain and write songs about it.) Hence, this song. It doesn't mean much, other than the song is the me I wish I weren't. The me I wish I didn't have to be.
Also, I think the chorus is addressing the whiskey. Those are all directives for the alcohol.
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another Ordinary Girl
Now I'm all messed up, wondering...whose life you're making worthwhile.
07 January 2014
Before My Eyes
Happy January to all of you lovely people.
Would you believe it if I told you that this is the 100th post on this blog? It seems sort of crazy, almost impossible. And yet...
Thank you for being along for the ride.
I thought this was a good song with which to begin a new year. It looks to the future, to the other years ahead, and pins hopes and dreams onto them. Which is kind of nice, and very thematically sensical with the time of year in which we are at this current moment.
The title is something I'm not sure about yet. So that doesn't have to remain the same.
The melody that kept resounding in my head as I wrote this one was some kind of bizarre, mellifluous mashup of "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift, and "Little Things" by One Direction (which is, surprisingly, a completely beautiful song, as it was actually written by the brilliant Ed Sheeran, and also, it's possible that there's a line in there about drinking tea before bed and talking in one's sleep that is completely about me).
Before My Eyes
I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me, and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name, but I know I could love you
I can picture your face as you ask me to dinner
and I will say yes because I've only been waiting my whole life for that
you'll take me somewhere warm 'cause it's getting to be winter
and I'll spend all night trying to make you laugh
and we'll both be surprised when it's suddenly midnight
so you'll drive really slowly when you take me back home
you'll park your car and kiss me under the flick'ring streetlight
and I'll know in that moment that I won't anymore be alone
a few months later you'll take me to meet your family
I'll bring flowers for you mother, and a bottle of wine
your feet will touch mine under the table, and your dad'll love me
you'll come to my place around Christmastime
and my parents will find you as lovely as I do
because you can reach the top of the tree, they'll let you hang the star
my sister might ask some hard questions just to test you
but you'll handle them with grace 'cause that's just how you are
I'll wait for you to say "I love you" first
even though I will have felt that way for many more days
and when we make love, you'll be my only and my first
but we'll pretend to my parents we don't, 'cause I always swore I'd wait
it'll be a secret that makes us smile in public and giggle behind closed doors
and it'll only be a matter of course when you ask my dad for my hand
because he'll know you were made for me, and I was meant to be yours
so you'll take me back to this place, where it all began
where I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name but I know I could love you
I can picture a white dress as day turns to night
and you'll wear a tux for maybe the first time in your life
we'll have his and hers rings after we walk down the aisle
my name will be engraved in yours, and yours will be in mine
you'll be proud when I take your last name for my own
and over the next years, we'll help each other grow into ourselves
we'll turn this old house we bought into our perfect home
and celebrate with champagne the day we pay off our student debts
we'll have a boy who looks like you, and a girl who has my eyes
we'll decide that I will be the one to stay at home with them
and I'll watch you fall asleep as you read to them every night
it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined
some days you'll work too much overtime, and that will annoy me
then we'll really learn just why they say this life is so hard
and you'll hate that I'm like my dad and don't speak when I'm angry
there might be slamming doors but we'll never fall completely apart
we'll drop our babies off at college and I'll cry all the way home
but in the quiet evenings, I'll get the chance to rediscover you
and suddenly we'll be glad for the time we have together alone
everything between us will again be both comfortable and new
you'll be the reason I'm not afraid of things like time, and growing old
because I will get to experience everything with you
and when the end comes, yours will be the hand I get to hold
I will have loved you every day, from that first afternoon,
when I thought I saw my future flash before my eyes
when you walked past me and my life was never the same
these are the daydreams hiding behind my distant smile
in this moment, where I don't even know your last name... (end)
This song brings out so many emotions for me. I cried at least four times while writing it, typing it up just now made me cringe, and reading it over today is making me so sad. So sad, and it's not supposed to (so much has changed since I wrote it, in early November), which just makes it even more sad for me today.
But let's make this much clear: I'm no longer stupid enough to believe that this will actually happen. That's why I dream about it, and put it into songs like this. So, for at least a few minutes, it does become real for me, and I fall into this fantasy that shouldn't be so fantastical. And I guess this song was just me putting down on paper everything I once held in my heart.
But of course, as evidenced, the fantasies I have and create are very much grounded in reality - I really tried to keep this song from getting too fanciful. So I mention paying off student debts (all too real) and arguing (which happens, or so I'm told), because that's all part of the picture.
As much as it made me cringe just now, I did once like the line "it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined," because, of course, the whole thing is an imagined image, so it's a tongue-in-cheek perforation of the constructed image that the entire song is. As are the intro/modified intros peppered throughout. The verses are longe enough (or were supposed to be so) to actually make you forget that it's fake, and then it's a slight reminder of the present reality. And it's a variation on a frame tale narrative, in that way. I don't know if it works, but it was intended to.
Anyway.
Next song to be posted: "Good Night for Whiskey."
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another (very) Ordinary Girl
If ever I could love, I think it could be with you.
What you are is a daydream I'll never get to hold.
Would you believe it if I told you that this is the 100th post on this blog? It seems sort of crazy, almost impossible. And yet...
Thank you for being along for the ride.
I thought this was a good song with which to begin a new year. It looks to the future, to the other years ahead, and pins hopes and dreams onto them. Which is kind of nice, and very thematically sensical with the time of year in which we are at this current moment.
The title is something I'm not sure about yet. So that doesn't have to remain the same.
The melody that kept resounding in my head as I wrote this one was some kind of bizarre, mellifluous mashup of "Last Kiss" by Taylor Swift, and "Little Things" by One Direction (which is, surprisingly, a completely beautiful song, as it was actually written by the brilliant Ed Sheeran, and also, it's possible that there's a line in there about drinking tea before bed and talking in one's sleep that is completely about me).
Before My Eyes
I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me, and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name, but I know I could love you
I can picture your face as you ask me to dinner
and I will say yes because I've only been waiting my whole life for that
you'll take me somewhere warm 'cause it's getting to be winter
and I'll spend all night trying to make you laugh
and we'll both be surprised when it's suddenly midnight
so you'll drive really slowly when you take me back home
you'll park your car and kiss me under the flick'ring streetlight
and I'll know in that moment that I won't anymore be alone
a few months later you'll take me to meet your family
I'll bring flowers for you mother, and a bottle of wine
your feet will touch mine under the table, and your dad'll love me
you'll come to my place around Christmastime
and my parents will find you as lovely as I do
because you can reach the top of the tree, they'll let you hang the star
my sister might ask some hard questions just to test you
but you'll handle them with grace 'cause that's just how you are
I'll wait for you to say "I love you" first
even though I will have felt that way for many more days
and when we make love, you'll be my only and my first
but we'll pretend to my parents we don't, 'cause I always swore I'd wait
it'll be a secret that makes us smile in public and giggle behind closed doors
and it'll only be a matter of course when you ask my dad for my hand
because he'll know you were made for me, and I was meant to be yours
so you'll take me back to this place, where it all began
where I think I just saw my future flash before my eyes
you walked past me and it's like I just always knew
if only you could see what's now playing in my mind
I don't even know your last name but I know I could love you
I can picture a white dress as day turns to night
and you'll wear a tux for maybe the first time in your life
we'll have his and hers rings after we walk down the aisle
my name will be engraved in yours, and yours will be in mine
you'll be proud when I take your last name for my own
and over the next years, we'll help each other grow into ourselves
we'll turn this old house we bought into our perfect home
and celebrate with champagne the day we pay off our student debts
we'll have a boy who looks like you, and a girl who has my eyes
we'll decide that I will be the one to stay at home with them
and I'll watch you fall asleep as you read to them every night
it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined
some days you'll work too much overtime, and that will annoy me
then we'll really learn just why they say this life is so hard
and you'll hate that I'm like my dad and don't speak when I'm angry
there might be slamming doors but we'll never fall completely apart
we'll drop our babies off at college and I'll cry all the way home
but in the quiet evenings, I'll get the chance to rediscover you
and suddenly we'll be glad for the time we have together alone
everything between us will again be both comfortable and new
you'll be the reason I'm not afraid of things like time, and growing old
because I will get to experience everything with you
and when the end comes, yours will be the hand I get to hold
I will have loved you every day, from that first afternoon,
when I thought I saw my future flash before my eyes
when you walked past me and my life was never the same
these are the daydreams hiding behind my distant smile
in this moment, where I don't even know your last name... (end)
This song brings out so many emotions for me. I cried at least four times while writing it, typing it up just now made me cringe, and reading it over today is making me so sad. So sad, and it's not supposed to (so much has changed since I wrote it, in early November), which just makes it even more sad for me today.
But let's make this much clear: I'm no longer stupid enough to believe that this will actually happen. That's why I dream about it, and put it into songs like this. So, for at least a few minutes, it does become real for me, and I fall into this fantasy that shouldn't be so fantastical. And I guess this song was just me putting down on paper everything I once held in my heart.
But of course, as evidenced, the fantasies I have and create are very much grounded in reality - I really tried to keep this song from getting too fanciful. So I mention paying off student debts (all too real) and arguing (which happens, or so I'm told), because that's all part of the picture.
As much as it made me cringe just now, I did once like the line "it will be an image more beautiful than I could have imagined," because, of course, the whole thing is an imagined image, so it's a tongue-in-cheek perforation of the constructed image that the entire song is. As are the intro/modified intros peppered throughout. The verses are longe enough (or were supposed to be so) to actually make you forget that it's fake, and then it's a slight reminder of the present reality. And it's a variation on a frame tale narrative, in that way. I don't know if it works, but it was intended to.
Anyway.
Next song to be posted: "Good Night for Whiskey."
Much love, and thank you for the musik,
Just Another (very) Ordinary Girl
If ever I could love, I think it could be with you.
What you are is a daydream I'll never get to hold.
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